


If it wasn't for the nights

by funny_little_frog



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Incomplete, Lesbian Marlene McKinnon, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), POV Sirius Black, Pining, Remus Lupin & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Slow Burn, To Read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:07:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 63,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29183760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funny_little_frog/pseuds/funny_little_frog
Summary: modern non-magic AU!sirius black is just your regular university student in london- he lives with his friends, james, mary and marlene- but when he catches eyes with remus lupin in a club, his world is turned upside down by this mysterious stranger. will he ever figure him out? and will remus ever let him?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Luna Lovegood/Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I hope you enjoy :) This is my first time writing something like this and i'm hoping for many more chapters, so let me know what you think in the comments!

Sirius Black was sick of mornings. 

“Wake up!” shouted a muffled voice somewhere to his left; and before he even had a chance to respond, he felt a sharp blow to his head buried under the covers.

“Ow- Prongs!” he protested futilely. “How did you even get in here?” He would have sworn he locked his door after he had stumbled into their shared house at somewhere around 4am that morning. Although the student house in Hammersmith which they shared with their friends, Mary and Marlene, was significantly smaller than his childhood home, he had instantly declared that he would never like to move again after signing the lease a couple months ago at the start of their second year of University. It was infinitely more ‘home’ to him than anything he had ever known- but then again, that was before he discovered James’ addiction to early mornings. 

Peeking his head out apprehensively from the duvet, he saw James struggling to pull a football sweatshirt over his head while simultaneously shoving a textbook into his rucksack- the heavy maths volume most likely the culprit for the welt beginning to form on the back of his head. Right. He had forgotten. 

“Ugh, James, you can’t have thought I was serious when I said I’d join football society! Like hell am I waking up at 7 to run around in the freezing dark, it’s a bloody Saturday for Christ’s sake!”

“No one told you to stay out so late last night! What were you even doing, anyway?” James asked curiously, a head of tousled dark hair and crooked glasses emerging from his maroon sweater. “Mary and Marlene said you didn’t want us to wait up for you, and we got back around 2.”

“Nothing!” Sirius replied slightly too quickly to be normal, and groaned, rolling over and shoving a pillow over his head. “Fine, I’ll come to the try-outs, but get out of my bloody room!” 

He heard the slam of a door and cheerful whistling that told him James had obeyed, and drowsily reached for his phone where it was perched on his bedside table, the screen lighting up causing his head to pound with the beginnings of a headache. The sight of a message- and above all, the name- sent a spike of adrenaline through him that chased away his drowsiness. 

Remus Lupin.

What kind of a name was that anyway? 

Sirius closed his eyes and thought back to the previous night, throwing his phone into the mess of blankets. 

(The previous night)

The floor of the club was a sticky, sweaty mass of bodies all shoving themselves into Sirius, the pulsing beat of the music echoing in his chest and seeming to take over his very heartbeat. Marlene and Mary slipped under the arm of the large man to his left, carrying two plastic cups each, James rushing from Sirius’s right to assist them. 

‘Here!” Marlene shouted over the music, shoving one of the cups into Sirius’ hands and spilling some of it onto his battered converse trainers, while Mary passed the other cup to James with a smile. 

“What is it? You know we have try-outs in the morning” James asked, his voice almost lost in the noise. 

“Ugh, we know, you hardly talk about anything else!” Mary grumbled, throwing her braids over a shoulder and standing up straighter, her heels making her almost as tall as Sirius. “Just trust us- look,” she demonstrated, throwing her head back and pouring the amber liquid down her throat. Marlene laughed, and followed suit, nudging James to do the same. 

Sirius acquiesced, the liquid burning its way down his throat to his stomach where he could feel it, glowing. James scrunched up his nose and copied the motion, throwing his arms into the air and smiling. “Here’s to the one more week before the Christmas holidays!” Marlene laughed, the sound bright and bubbly, and grabbed Mary’s hands to dance. 

“I hate clubs,” James yelled into Sirius’ ears, “and I hate Mary most of all for dragging us here!”

“Hey!” shouted Mary indignantly, twirling Marlene in circles to the point that Sirius felt slightly sick just watching them. 

“That’s not true. Prongs,” Sirius laughed. “Remember first year? I had to talk you out of going out every single night. Professor Flitwick even yelled at you for turning up to a tutorial drunk, remember?”

“I still did better than you, Padfoot!” James retorted. “You must have handed in only one tutorial sheet the whole year, it’s a miracle you even passed!”

Sirius shook his head, his shoulder length black hair swaying with the music, and laughed, losing himself to the beat of the bass. Together, the four of them danced in the centre of the floor, a unit of friendship that had only formed the previous year and was already stronger than anything Sirius had ever known. He was happy. 

“Hey, be a dear and get us some more drinks?” Mary shouted in James’ direction a while later, her dark skin flushed with a rosy tint from the exertion. 

James slipped away through the crowd of writhing bodies; Sirius made to follow him to give him a hand when he heard the sounds of a commotion from behind him. 

“Hey! I don’t know what you think you saw but I promise, it’s not what it looks like!” a tall, lanky boy with a mop of dark blond hair was pleading with a group of guys in the corner of the room. 

“Hey- come on, let’s get further away,” Marlene muttered, grabbing Mary’s hand and tugging her away. “Come on Sirius.” She made to take Sirius’ hand too, but something in the boy’s eyes made him turn around. 

“I’ll catch up with you guys later, I think I see someone I know,” Sirius lied. “Go find James- and you guys don’t have to wait up.”

Mary winked at him, clearly getting the wrong end of the stick, but Sirius was more worried about making sure the boy was okay- which would have been a lot easier to do if he hadn’t vanished entirely, along with the three others who had been ganging up on him. Sirius looked around wildly, his sweaty hair sticking to his face and getting in his eyes and pushed his way towards the wall where they had been standing just a moment ago. 

Well, there was no other place, and it had to be here. Half expecting a loud alarm to accompany his next actions- not that it would be heard over the noise of the club- Sirius pushed on the heavy metal bar of the fire exit and stumbled outside, the chill December air hitting him in the face like a slap. 

He found himself in a small cobblestone courtyard leading onto the dimly lit street with a pile of black garbage bags leaning precariously against the wall next to a few upturned wheely bins, but what caught his gaze was the messy-haired boy from before leaning against the wall of the club and panting, clutching a stitch in his side. 

He looked up, his green eyes meeting Sirius’ grey ones, and stood up straighter with some apparent difficulty. He was very tall, dressed in scruffy jeans, an oversized knitted brown sweater and a corduroy jacket despite the stifling warmth of the club behind them, and he was holding what looked like an old notebook. His hair was the dark blond colour of wet sand on a beach, and his features were delicate and finely boned. All in all, he looked like one stray gust of wind would snap him clean in half, and Sirius felt an odd protective instinct towards this stranger.

“Hi- I just wanted to- I mean, I saw in the club- those guys- you…” Sirius trailed off awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say. “Um, are you okay?” he finished somewhat feebly.

“Yeah. I mean, as fine as I could possibly be having just been thrown into a bunch of wheely bins,” the boy said drily, pushing himself off the wall and picking something shiny off the floor and slipping it into his pocket. “Are you okay?” he countered, raising an eyebrow and fixing Sirius with a piercing green stare. 

“Yeah…” Sirius finished, not quite knowing what to do now. He would have been sure that this boy would have needed rescuing- not that he would have been a huge help in that situation either- but now, Sirius had no clue what do and felt a strange sort of awkwardness in the air between them. “Sorry, I guess I’ll just go back inside then?” he gestured to the door of the club behind them.

“If you want,” the boy replied, fiddling with the object in his pocket. “What’s your name?” he asked suddenly.

“Um, Sirius.”

“Ha! No way. That’s way worse than my name. I’m Remus, by the way.”

“Wow. Well, if you think mine’s bad, it’s got nothing on my brother. My parents called him Regulus.”

“Hmm.” Remus’ eyes sparkled, and then he glanced around, looking shifty. “Listen, I have to go,” he started, but Sirius interrupted him.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I’ve seen my fair share of bullies, believe me, and those guys looked like they have it in for you!”

Remus’ eyes instantly hardened. “I know how to look out for myself, thanks,” he retorted coolly. “And besides, this isn’t fucking high school. What were you planning to do if they were beating me up, run and tell your friends, as if they could even help? Or are you secretly a karate black-belt yourself?” he appraised Sirius haughtily, who felt suddenly rather bare in his plain black t-shirt with the silhouettes of Agnetha, Anni-Frid, Björn and Benny printed on the front. Goosebumps raised on the skin of his arms from the cold. 

“Would you rather I didn’t care? Fine, lesson learned, sorry for trying to help” Sirius snapped and spun on his heel, fully intending to leave the boy out in the cold and forget that any of this ever happened. But the fire exit door and closed behind him and appeared to require a passcode to get back in. Sirius growled in frustration. “Fuck!” he exclaimed, spinning on his heels and stalking out towards the street where the bouncer would hopefully let him back in once he reached the front of the club. 

“Hey,” he heard from behind him when he had almost reached the front of the club once more, the queue reduced to a few dawdling people and a couple making out against the wall who, judging from the frown of the bouncer, had just been kicked out of the club. The air was surprisingly still despite the cold and seemed eerily quiet in comparison to the deafening noise of the club. “I’m sorry, I’m sure you meant well- I guess I’m just not really used to people looking out for me.” He gave a small smile and scuffed the pavement with the toe of his docs, the streetlamp above him casting his features in gold and making his hair glow in a dazzling halo. “If it would make you feel better- though I can’t see why that would be-” he gave an impatient sigh through his nose, “I’ll text you once I’m home. I guess some people just like to play the hero, who am I to judge.” However, the familiar sparkle in his eyes and small smile that played around his lips told Sirius that he was joking.

“Here.” Sirius extended his phone to Remus and shivered when his finely-bones fingers brushed his. Remus’ hair fell in his eyes as he swiftly entered his number into Sirius’ phone, a small furrow in his brow. 

“Now you’ll know that I’m fine and won’t have to resort to chasing me down dark alleys.”

“That was hardly a dark alley,” Sirius scoffed, but smiled in return and accepted his phone back from Remus. “But honestly, you should keep better company.”

The openness in Remus’ gaze instantly vanished, and he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, sniffing against the cold. “See you around, Sirius,” he said, and vanished around the corner, leaving Sirius alone in the light of the streetlamp to wonder what he had said to offend this mysterious stranger so much.


	2. Chapter 2

“Okay, only house parties for the rest of the year, there’s no way we are doing this again,” Sirius groaned, one hand rubbing his temples while the other lugged his football kit on the short walk to the tube station with James. Why was he awake at 7:30 in the morning? Curse his best friend and all he stood for. “And how the hell have you avoided a hangover? You definitely had more to drink than I did.”

“It’s just my amazing genetics,” James said modestly, “And I didn’t actually have that much- when I was on my way to the bar before you disappeared, I caught sight of someone I knew and ended up walking her home. And then came back for Mary and Marlene, of course.”

“Oh no, Prongs, you didn’t. Not Lily Evans? Please don’t say she’s filing a restraining order against you, there’s no way I believe that you walked her home rather than followed her home. An important distinction!”

“Sirius! Do you really think-” James spluttered, then regained his composure. “Why do you find it so hard to believe Evans could like me? Besides, it’s not like I’ve sent her anything since last February and-”

James was cut off by Sirius’ chortling laughter. “Oh my god, I had completely forgotten about your Valentine. Long shot, mate, she’s absolutely never coming round to you after that!”

James remained silent, but the tips of his ears turned a bright red. “Some would say that receiving a live kitten as a declaration of love is romantic.”

“Not when the recipient of that very bizarre gift is, in fact, allergic to kittens!” Sirius broke off, snorting, and then winced as the violent motion made his head pound even more. They descended the steps into the London Underground, the screeching of a slowing train on the tracks causing them both to break into a run, squeezing through the doors just at the last second.

“Yeah, well, you still haven’t told me where you went off for so long last night,” James retorted, his warm brown eyes staring down Sirius and making him feel suspiciously like a child. It wasn’t as though he had done anything wrong or even wanted to hide anything from his best friend- up to now he had told him everything, from his messed-up family to his breakfast cereal preference (mini chocolate chip Weetabix, of course) but something about his encounter with Remus made Sirius want to hide it from James. Something about last night felt special and fleeting and delicate- even though, for all intents and purposes, nothing had even happened.

“Oh! That was actually nothing. I just thought I saw someone I knew but it must’ve been my eyes, and then I decided to go for a walk through Hyde Park because it was way too hot in there and I had a headache. Still have one now, actually.” He levelled James a glare. “And my prick of a best friend not only put the damn lump on my head but is still forcing me to football.”

“Well, in all fairness, you promised,” James replied innocently, running a hand through his hair and making it stick up wildly in the back.

Sirius muttered something unintelligibly under his breath that was for the best that James didn’t hear, and fiddled with his phone, pulling up the message from Remus. It was sent at 5:02am, that morning, so Sirius must have been asleep, but already he had read it through no less than 15 times.

Home safe. Told you so ;) Thanks for looking out for me and sorry for being a jerk.. if everyone was like you I guess the world wouldn’t be half bad :) 

Reading it again on the tube sent butterflies careening through his stomach and his cheeks heated. What was he supposed to say to that! To be fair, he hadn’t entirely lied to James. After Remus had stalked off last night, he did find himself in Hyde park, hopping the fence which closed at sunset and walking the familiar route to University, stopping for a long time to stare at the ducks in the pond. It was peaceful and the soft drizzle against his face was a nice change after the stifling warmth of the club; so peaceful, in fact, that he had walked the whole way home instead of getting a taxi like the rest of them had done.

“Come on,’ James said, grabbing Sirius’ arm and yanking him out of his thoughts and out of the tube. “Football time!”

The pitch was soggy and shrouded in fog, the bright strobe lights at either end of the pitch cutting through the early morning gloom like a knife. Sirius gulped water from his bottle, willing his headache to go away; however much he grumbled about it, James was his best friend and had already made more sacrifices for him than Sirius could count, so he owed it to him to at least try to make it on the team. “Hang on- Prongs, isn’t this the men’s team? Um... What’s Evans doing here?”

For it was Lily Evans walking towards them- or more specifically, James- her wine red hair curling delicately from the moisture in the air and her emerald green eyes fixed on James as she strode through the pitch, looking furious. 

“James Potter!” she shouted, pointing a finger threateningly at him. “What were you thinking? Does anything actually penetrate that abnormally thick skull of yours? I mean- what were you thinking!” she spluttered, her face turning almost as red as her hair. “What the bloody hell is this?” She yanked her rucksack off her back and threw it the final few metres between them, where it landed at James’ feet with a loud thump. James had the good grace to look ashamed.

There, written in black sharpie on the red fabric of her back, said ‘James Potter’ inside a wobbly love heart. 

“I mean, do you really think people would think that I wrote that?” Lily spat. “You’re an adult for crying out loud, why don’t you act like one! I agreed to go on one walk with you- a walk, not even a bloody date- and already you think you have some sort of claim on me?” Her eyes were glowing with a sort of manic light- the rest of the group trying out for the team had just emerged from the changing rooms and were hovering nervously at the edge of the pitch, eyeing Lily with apprehension. 

“Hey- James, is that your girlfriend?” someone in the small crowd shouted. “She looks mad.” Nervous laughter came from the group. “Maybe you should skip try-outs and walk her home.”

“I will never be his girlfriend!” Lily shrieked, and stomped the final few yards between them. Despite her short stature, James cowered, his arms outstretched in supplication.

“Evans, wait-” he began, but she only grabbed her back of the floor by the straps and stomped off the pitch in the opposite direction she had come from. “It was a joke! I didn’t mean-” he called after her, but she had already gone. 

“Prongs, how could you have thought that would be a good idea? You always take things too far with her, and one day-” Sirius began.

“Leave it mate, okay? I know.” James ran a frustrated hand through her forehead. “I just can’t think straight around her.” He stated off towards where she had exited the pitch with a funny sort of frown creasing his forehead. “This’ll be a story to tell our kids.’

Sirius couldn’t help it, he let out a snort. “Um, mate, I don’t know if you realised, but I think that was her telling you she’s never gonna have your kids.” 

Despite himself, James smiled, and clapped Sirius hard on the shoulders. “Come on then, let’s get on this team.”

—-

An hour later, the two boys were making their way back to their house, having just got off the tube. Sirius’ muscles were aching and he was covered head to toe in freezing cold mud- James was the same, but despite this, he still wore a dazzling smile on his face. “I mean, can you believe it? Me, goalie!” James gushed.

“Sure, yeah,” Sirius began, then cleared his throat. He was truly happy for his best friend, but couldn’t help but feel as though he had let him down. “Honestly, mate, I knew you could do it. I’m just sorry I won’t be around to watch all your brilliant saves.” He had missed out on being on the team by a hair’s breadth- he had been offered a space on the reserve team, but had declined. What was the point? 

“What do you mean? As if I won’t be dragging you, Mary and Marlene to all my matches.” his warm brown eyes twinkled with obvious amusement. 

“As long as there aren’t any more early mornings.”

“Oh, come on, Padfoot, you know you love me.”

“Ugh, shove off.” James was making kissing faces at Sirius, and the ridiculousness of it made them both burst out laughing. 

“What’s all this, then?” Mary’s small braids swished, the beads at the bottom clinking gently together as she poked her head out from their front door, eyeing Sirius and James with mounting horror. “Ew, what are you both, pigs? Have you been rolling in mud?” She shrieked. “Marlene!” she hollered, slamming their front door in their faces. 

“Nice one, James, you’ve got us locked out of our own bloody house.” 

“How is this my fault?” James began indignantly, but was cut off when Mary and Marlene, Mary still in her dressing gown, ran out onto the lawn, something green and ropy in Mary’s hands. 

“What, no Mary!” James pleaded, but it was too late. A strong gust of frigid water blasted out from the green object- the garden hose- and hit Sirius squarely in the face. 

“Mary! Are you out of your mind?” Sirius began the second the wrath of the water was turned onto James. He spluttered, shaking the freezing water out of his hair. “Good god, woman, you’re going to give us the flu! Marlene!” he shouted, turning to the other girl. “What kind of a medical student are you! You know you’ll be looking after us when we inevitably catch something.”

“I’ll be doing no such thing,” Marlene countered smugly. “I made the team too!” she twirled around gleefully, showing them the back of her athletic shirt. Her surname, McKinnon, was printed on the back, along with a large number 4. 

“What?” James asked blankly. “You never said you were trying out for the women’s team.”

Mary rolled her eyes, shutting off the stream of water. “She didn’t tell you.” 

“Well I didn’t want to tell anyone before I actually made the team!” Marlene shouted, “I didn’t want to jinx it.” But too late- she was bowled over by James, who had pulled her into a hug. “James, you’re freezing!” she shrieked, “and you’re going to get me all muddy! I made it through my try-outs without looking like I’ve been dragged through a mud pond.”

Sirius swallowed down the bitter feelings of disappointment coursing through him. It wasn’t that he had wanted to make the team in the first place, but the reality was that he had never found anything that James was naturally better at until now. He didn’t begrudge his best friend his happiness, and there was no one in the world who deserved it more than him, but a part of him had always thought that wherever James went, Sirius would follow too- like a lost dog. Well, maybe this was for the best- it was about time that ended. 

“Hey, what position did you make?” Marlene asked Sirius gently. 

“Oh, well, I got a place on the reserve team, but I turned that down.” He brushed off the sympathetic words from both Mary and Marlene, and then forced his face into a grin. “Hey, well, you’ll never guess who showed up on the pitch, angry as hell.”

“OI!” James began as Sirius burst into genuine laughter. “That’s my future wife you’re talking about!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More mysterious Remus in the next chapter! Trying to add some ~suspense and intrigue~ :) Let me know what you guys think in the comments and if there’s anything you’d like to see! And thank you for reading xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW hospital

That evening, Sirius lay in bed with the maroon curtains drawn, turning his phone over and over in his hands, trying to ignore the headache slicing at his temples. He had finally sent off a response to Remus earlier that morning: 

Glad you made it back safe :)

What did he expect would happen? Why was he so obsessed with this shabby-looking stranger from last night, and why couldn’t he get him out of his head? Giving a sharp sigh through his nose, Sirius tossed his phone onto the bedside table and pulled the covers up to his head. It was ridiculous, and as Remus had rightly said, he could look out for himself. So why did Sirius care so much? 

He knew exactly why he cared. It was the way Remus’ green eyes had pierced straight through him, as though they could actually see him- the real him- and not just the carefully constructed exterior he worked so hard to perfect. It was the softness of his hair, his delicate, finely boned hands, and the defensive anger in his gaze, as though no one had ever dared to look out for him before, and he was used to dealing with everything by himself. 

Too restless to sleep, Sirius tossed off the covers and padded into the kitchen for a glass of water, hoping it would at the very least alleviate his headache. Mary was sitting at the table with James, playing a game of chess, a pile of money on the counter to the left.

“Sorry, but in what world do you play chess for money?”

“Um- this one, loser,” Mary threw back, tossing James a pound coin. 

“How does that even work?” Sirius asked despite himself. “It’s not like you can know who’s winning until you actually win, is it?” 

“Of course you can, have you ever even watched the Queen’s Gambit?” James replied, his eyes on the game. “Besides, we don’t follow the traditional rules.”

“Clearly,” muttered Sirius, watching as James moved his castle diagonally across the board, hopping over one of Mary’s knights and landing directly in front of her Queen. James hadn't shut up about that Netflix show since they binged it all in one sitting a few weeks ago.

“Check!” exclaimed James proudly, pulling the entire money pile towards himself.

“That’s not…” Sirius began. “Honestly, learn the bloody rules!” he finished, smiling at the triumphant grin on James’ face as he proceeded to count his winnings. “Hey, have you guys seen Marlene? She’s not in her room.” Sirius asked, filling a glass with water from the sink and taking a seat at the table with them. He had passed Marlene’s open bedroom door on the way to the kitchen, and a heap of outfits had been strewn on her bed, but no sight of the girl herself. 

“Oh! She’s out on a date.” Mary waggled her eyebrows deviously. 

“No!” James gasped theatrically, throwing his king across the room as though it had personally offended him. “With who?”

“Some girl called Luna I think. Friends with Lily, apparently they share a house together.”

James stood. “Marlene is going out with Lily’s friend? Mary, how could you wait so long to tell me, this is amazing! She’ll be coming round all the time! We have to clean,” he muttered frantically, as though Lily would be appearing at the door right that second. 

“Yeah, funnily enough, I don’t see Marlene bringing Lily Evans along on her dates, do you?” Sirius remarked driliy, taking a gulp of his water. At that very moment, his headache sharpened in a blinding wash of agony, and he slammed the glass on the table harder than usual, water sloshing over the sides. 

“Padfoot, is everything all right?” James asked, any traces of his former overdramatic self leaving his features. “You’ve been acting off all day.”

“Yeah, fine,” Sirius muttered, but at that moment, he felt a sharp pain in his midsection, and he doubled over, groaning. “Bloody hell,” he ground out.

“Sirius, what’s wrong?” Mary asked, her amber eyes betraying panic. “Hey, James, call Marlene, she’ll know what to do.”

“No,” Sirius protested weakly, but the pain was getting worse, both in his head and his torso, and it was all he could do not to black out. 

\---

Sirius woke to a lot of beeping, and a heavy sort of drugged exhaustion permeated all his limbs. His eyelids felt much heavier than usual, and he fought to open them. 

“Hi there, sleepyhead.” Marlene. She was peering worriedly into his face, flanked by James and Marlene. 

“Marls, what-” Sirius cleared his throat, fighting not to slur his words. “What happened?”

“Appendicitis.” she replied, taking his hand with one of hers and sighing softly, “It came on really fast, I’ll get a doctor to come round and see you in a sec- they had to remove your appendix- apparently it was twice as big as it should’ve been! But everything went well and you can be out of here after only a couple of days. It’s no big deal, honestly.”

“Oh.” Sirius closed his eyes again, fighting against a wave of sleep which was rising to claim him. 

“Mr Black,” an unfamiliar face swam in front of his vision “is there any family you’d like us to call?” Sirius opened his eyes further, taking in the way James narrowed his eyes and shook his head slightly at the clipboard-carrying doctor.

“No,” Sirius whispered, and closed his eyes and let sleep take him. 

__

Being stuck in hospital for a few days wasn’t actually as bad as Sirius had feared. Marlene was almost always around as she was shadowing a consultant in the hospital, and James and Mary came by every day after lectures, bearing balloons and chocolates and one time even a massive teddy bear which the nurse insisted couldn’t be kept on the ward because it was a ‘tripping hazard.’ 

It was Monday evening and his friends had only just left, a bustling nurse humming as she flitted around the ward, lowering the blinds and leaving out small white paper pots of medicine for the three other patients in the ward. “I think you’ll be fine to go tomorrow, Mr Black, let me just pull up your discharge papers,” she said kindly to him before rushing off, presumably to acquire those papers. Sirius smiled, excited to finally be able to leave, when his eyes caught sight of a fluffy head of dark blond hair peeking out from the blankets to his left. 

It couldn’t be…

Sirius looked closer. The boy was completely asleep, his features unguarded but a small frown between his eyebrows even in sleep. There was no mistaking him. Sirius knew that if he were to open his eyes, he would be met with dazzling green. This was Remus Lupin.

“Hey, what’s he in for?” Sirius asked the nurse as she approached him, jerking his head to the bed beside him where Remus was asleep, but she merely tutted and handed him a clipboard with a pen for him to sign. 

“That’s confidential, I’m afraid.” she said brusquely, and was gone before he even had a chance to claim that he knew him. 

What was he doing here? He looked physically fine- maybe it was the group of guys who’d looked so menacing the other night, but Remus had assured him meant him no harm- could they have been the ones to land him there? Had they attacked him? Sirius looked at Remus closer; he had deep purple shadows under his eyes, and his eyes moved fitfully under his lids, as though whatever was troubling him haunted him even in his dreams.

“Remus?” Sirius asked quietly, hoping to not wake the other three sleeping patients on the ward. But Remus slept on

\---

“Come on, Padfoot, if you hurry, we can still make it to old McGonagall’s lecture- it starts in an hour!” James prodded him to shove his feet into his converse faster. 

“James, the doctors said he needs to have a restful week! No more uni, you’re off until after Christmas,” Marlene asserted sternly, taking his shoes from him after watching his feeble attempts to tie his laces and doing it himself. James and Marlene had come to take him home: Mary was busy at the call centre for a life insurance company where she worked 9-5 every weekday.

“Oi, I can tie my own bloody laces, McKinnon,” Sirius grumbled, but appreciated the help nonetheless; his painkillers were wearing off and the dull ache in his midriff made him feel weak and groggy with pain. But if he was being honest, there was another reason he was being so slow with his actions; after a fitful night of sleep, Sirius had woken unsure of where he was until he had rolled over and found a pair of piercing green eyes watching him from the neighbouring bed. ‘Remus?” he had whispered tentatively, only for Remus’ eyes to snap shut in a clearly very poor attempt at feigned sleep.

“Fine.” James’ voice jerked him back to the present. “I’ll skive too, I guess, and look after you at home,” he said in a very self-sacrificing tone of voice. Marlene beamed. “Hey, don’t look so happy that I’m skiving uni!” James grumbled. “If anyone should do it, it’s you, Marls. Future doctor and all?” He prodded her, clearly trying to provoke a rise out of her, but she shook her head with a small smile. 

“Come on, we’ll take the lifts,” she said, hauling Sirius’ bag over his shoulder. “James, make sure he doesn’t fall.” 

“I won’t bloody fall,” Sirius muttered angrily, but James remained at his elbow nonetheless. As he made his way past Remus’ bed, he peered down, hoping to pass off his actions as nonchalant curiosity, but all he saw was Remus’ curls poking from under the duvet, the motionless lump of his body under the covers looking too tense to be asleep.

Why had he refused to acknowledge him? And why was he here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm, what's up with remus??? xd


	4. Chapter 4

After a week, Sirius was feeling almost back to normal- if it wasn’t for an empty, nagging sensation that caused him to check his phone far more frequently than usual. He had sent Remus a message (u okay? crazy seeing u in hosp, small world xd) when he had first got home from the hospital- still delirious from all the painkillers, no doubt- to which he still hadn’t received a response. Which was normal, he supposed; after all, Remus was technically nothing but a stranger to Sirius, but even after their two brief encounters, he already felt like so much more. 

“Hey, Marls, I’m sorry for ruining your date the other day,” Sirius said, squeezing onto a seat at the round kitchen table where the other three were already seated, Mary writing Christmas cards for her family in Trinidad while Marlene and James chatted over bottles of beer. 

“Aw, don’t worry, love,” Marlene said, shaking her head, “besides, Luna’s coming to stay over for Christmas, so you’ll get to see her then! Apparently her dad’s off in Australia looking for some rare bird- a blibbering something or other. Hummingbird? No, wait, humdinger. Sounds pretty fake to me, but you’ll never catch me telling her that.” 

Sirius nodded, pretending to be intrigued but his mind was quite preoccupied elsewhere- predictably, on a certain tall, dark blond-haired boy. He absentmindedly reached for a sip of James’ drink, and a sharp rap on his hand from Marlene pulled him out of his thoughts. “Hey!” he said indignantly. 

“No alcohol for at least another week!” she said sternly, pushing hers and James’ bottle further out of reach. 

“Fine,” Sirius grumbled incoherently, “hey, Marlene? So, things are pretty serious then between you two?” Marlene blushed to the roots of her hair, and nodded. 

“Well, we’ve been seeing each other since September- I didn’t tell you guys because you know what James is like.” She leveled him a glare. 

“What?” he demanded, his eyes wide with innocence. 

“Lily has told me all about you,” she laughed. “But honestly, James,” she began, her tone shifting to seriousness. “If you want a chance with her, you have to be less, well, you!”

“How can I be less of me? What do you want me to do, change my identity? Just you wait, very soon Evans will like me just the way I am, and you will rue the day,” he finished, wagging a finger smugly. 

“Not the way I’m hearing things. What’s that you wrote on her backpack?”

“Hey, it was a declaration of love!”

“You wrote your name on her bag? What kind of a shit declaration is that? Who are you declaring love to, yourself?” she asked, bewildered, while Mary looked up from writing her cards to join in the laughter. 

“Hey, Prongs, how do you even know Lily, anyway?” Mary asked, “I mean, Marlene knows her now through Luna, but how do you know her? She’s not on your course at uni, right?” 

“Nah, she studies physics,” James replied, “but close enough, right?” both James and Sirius studied maths- that was how they met last year. “I saw her giving a speech for some Society about getting young kids into STEM and, I dunno, I guess that was it for me,” he said, taking a swig of his drink as though he hadn’t just declared his devotion to a girl at 20 years old after seeing her give one speech. 

“But just lay off a bit, okay?” Marlene continued gently. “I know you seem to think she’s gonna fall head over heels for you some time soon, but maybe wait for her to come to that realisation on her own, yeah?”

“Stop mocking me, she well!” James pronounced indignantly. “She will.”

“What did she do with that kitten in the end?” Sirius asked mischievously, popping a few pistachios from the bowl on the counter in his mouth. 

“Padfoot!” James said angrily, smacking him in the arm. “How was I supposed to know she was allergic?”

“Maybe wait for at least your first date with a girl before buying her a live animal,” Mary observed, her eyes glowing with mirth as she wound one of her fine braids around her pen. 

“She still has it,” Marlene said softly. “I think she takes antihistamines every day- she asked Luna to ask me to sort a prescription for her. That doesn’t mean she fancies you,” she added quickly as she saw the triumphant expression spreading across James’ face. “I just know about it because I went over to Luna’s the other day and I’m pretty sure she won’t let her get rid of it. Luna loves animals,” she added, her face glowing with pride as she spoke about her girlfriend, “and she’s studying zoology too! I’m pretty sure the cat likes her more than Lily,” she said to James, who pulled a face. 

It was at that moment that Sirius’ phone thought to buzz with an incoming message- leaping to his feet without a second thought and a hasty “be right back!” he rushed off to his room where he slammed the door behind him, his heart pounding. A quick peek at his phone confirmed his suspicions- Remus had finally written him back. Why was Sirius reacting like this? It was only a text from a near stranger. He needed to get a grip.

He pulled up the text thread and smiled, his heart feeling much lighter than it had since he had got back from the hospital: 

Small world indeed! I’m okay, I heard your friends mentioning you had an appendectomy? How’s the recovery going? :)

He quickly typed out a response:

I’m back to normal! 

His fingers hovered by the send button, debating asking Remus why he had been in hospital himself. But no- he couldn’t ask; if Remus wanted to tell him, he would have. Best not to be nosy.

Smiling, he pressed send, and collapsed onto his bed. He was still recovering, after all- maybe a short nap wouldn’t hurt.

Sirius fell asleep with a smile on his lips and his phone clutched to his heart.

—-

The next few days were a blur of getting the house ready for Christmas- James had somehow found a Christmas tree much too large for their tiny living room, so they all had to squash together on the shabby sofa for their nighttime Netflix marathons; a few days before Christmas, Luna arrived with a heap of presents for them all, wearing a headband with reindeer antlers that looked alarmingly real. And if Marlene, with her eyes far too sharp as usual, asked Sirius why he was always looking down at his phone with a smile on his face, he would just tell her to mind her own business with a playful shove, for nothing could erase the smile from his face these days. 

Remus and Sirius had been texting non-stop. As long as he avoided any mentions of that night with the three guys and their encounter at the hospital, Sirius found that it was as easy to talk to Remus as breathing; easier even. Remus was an enigma; one moment, he would be teasing Sirius about his music taste and they would be exchanging pictures of each other’s celebrity lookalikes (Sirius sent Remus a gif of Andrew Garfield wearing a spiderman suit without the mask, adamantly claiming it was Remus’s doppelganger- minus the hair, of course- to which Remus refused to message him back for the entire day) and the next moment, they would be having deeper conversations about life that set Sirius’ head spinning. He learnt that Remus was studying at the Royal College of Music and was somewhat of a piano prodigy, though he adamantly denied that he was any good and refused to send Sirius a video of him playing when he asked. 

Remus: so what r u studying then? 

Sirius: i do maths- i know, i know :(

Remus: no way. can’t believe i have a crush on a mathmo

Sirius stared at the screen, his heart racing and his palms sweaty with exhilaration. Remus had a crush on him! He had no idea what to do with this information. Sirius had only ever gone out with girls growing up, never thinking about one relationship for too long before moving straight into the next. Since starting University, he hadn’t pursued anything deeper than one night stands because they all inevitably wanted more; wanted to learn about Sirius, and his past, and Sirius had never cared about them enough to want to let them in. But then, none of them had ever made him feel the way that Remus made him feel; as though each buzz from his phone was lighting up his entire heart. Even the thought of his piercing green eyes and fluffy hair made Sirius feel tingly in a new, unfamiliar way, and he knew, deep down, that this was what it was supposed to be like. This was what he had been searching for. 

Another buzz made Sirius look down to where his phone had lit up in his hands.

Remus: sorry

Sirius quickly typed out a response.

Sirius: no, don’t be! silly sod. James just came in forcing me to watch the new star wars movie for the billionth time. guess id better go

That was true- though James had popped his head into Sirius’ room to ask him to join them in the living room about ten minutes ago, and Sirius had been too preoccupied with his conversation with Remus at the time. 

Remus: what kinda insult is ‘silly sod’ r u secretly a grandma? weirdo. and as long as its not the prequels. jar jar binks haunts my nightmares 

Sirius smiled at his screen; the three dots appeared, telling him that Remus was still typing. Not a moment later, the message appeared. 

Remus: im at that winter wonderland thing in hyde park. if you fancy coming ?

Sirius immediately leapt to his feet, tripping over his guitar case in his haste to grab his coat and make it to the door. He stopped briefly to type out a response (sure, meet u in 15?) and hurried into the hallway, where he shouted some nonsense about going to get a haircut to the others in the living room before he made it to the front door. 

He was going to see Remus!

\---

The park was awash with colour, spinning rides and laughing children holding colourful clouds of candy floss and overly large teddy bears. But none of those things seemed as extraordinary in that moment as the boy stood beside him. 

They had met at the ferris wheel, where Remus was queuing to get their tickets for the ride. 

“Ever been on one of these?” he had asked, grinning while holding out a bag of candy floss for them to share. 

“No,” Sirius replied, taking off a chunk of candy floss and stuffing it in his mouth, making a face against the sudden rush of sweetness. “I never really got to come to places like this as a kid.”

“Oh? How come?”

“Oh- uh, I dunno,” Sirius replied evasively. He never really liked talking about his shitty childhood; he never wanted to feel like he was trying to fish for sympathy. “I guess I was more of a park kinda kid- you know, fresh air, green grass, that sort of thing,” he added, waving a hand vaguely. 

“Oh,” Remus replied, grinning. “Well, I’ve always loved places like this. I hate crowds and noise, but I liked to come here and draw when I was little. Like them, for example.” He pointed to a little girl in a denim pinafore with her hair in pigtails sat on the shoulders of her father, pointing at all the rides she wanted to go on and grinning with glee. “I’d love to draw them.” His fingers twitched as though his longing for a pencil was something physical. 

“Oh, you draw? I didn’t realise,” he said, appraising Remus interestedly. “Hey, is that what was in the book you were holding that night?” he added suddenly, remembering the battered notebook he was holding in the courtyard outside of the club. 

‘Er, yeah,” Remus replied, his eyes shuttering instantly at the mention of that night. “Hey, looks like we’re next. Come on.” He motioned towards Sirius to follow him onto one of the small benches of the ride. 

“I’m not so great with heights,” Sirius added nervously. “If I throw up on you, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

Remus laughed, the tip of his nose red with the cold, making his green eyes sparkle. “Hey, throw up on me, and I’ll push you out of this ride.” He shoved gently into Sirius’ side to demonstrate, and tingles shot up Sirius’ arm at the playful contact.

At that moment, the bench on which they sat together jerked forcefully and they started to rise into the sky, inch by inch, the metal rods creaking terrifyingly beneath them. Sirius screwed his eyes shut, imagining all sorts of gruesome scenarios ending in their bodies impaled with metal and lying on the floor metres below. 

“Ohmygosh, if we die, i’m gonna kill you,” Sirius breathlessly fought out from his clenched jaw, holding onto the bar in front of him until his knuckles turned white. 

“Don’t be so dramatic! Hey open your eyes. Look. Look!” he nudged Sirius in the side until he opened his eyes, and he was glad that he did- the park looked so different from up here, all the lights making the scene look like a real winter wonderland. “If you squint your eyes a bit together all the colour mush together and it looks really pretty, try it!”

Sirius complied, and grinned with his eyes still squinted. “Not a bad last sight before I die.”

“Stop with that already, there are five-year-olds on this ride! And they don’t look like they’re wailing about their imminent death, look.” He pointed to the mother and child duo in the cart ahead of them, holding hands and apparently taking in the sight with wonder. 

“Because she doesn’t know any better,” Sirius grumbled. “What’s that?” Sirius asked as Remus reached into the pocket of his threadbare forest-green coat. 

“I want to draw them,” Remus replied, flipping open his notebook to a fresh page. He took a short pencil from behind his ear- Sirius hadn’t even noticed it there from behind the mess of curls- and his hand began to move across the page. At first, he drew the outline of the mother and daughter, and quickly began to fill in the details, the picture soon conveying emotions that Sirius had no idea how Remus had captured to intricately- it was in the way they held hands, the way the daughter looked up at her mother with wonder in her eyes, their eyes glowing with the reflections of the christmas lights. 

“Wow,” Sirius breathed, not even realising he had made a sound until Remus’ hand faltered on the page and he smiled tentatively up at Sirius. “Hey, would you draw me?” he asked, striking a ridiculous pose as though he was holding a sword aloft. 

Remus didn’t laugh as he had expected, but smiled softly and lifted his hand as if to touch a strand of Sirius’ hair. Sirius immediately froze, waiting to feel the warmth of Remus’ delicate pianist fingers on his face, but it never came. Instead, he dropped his hand, a sad sort of look in his eyes, and tore out the page of his drawing before putting the notebook back in his pocket. “Maybe one day,” he said, tucking the pencil back behind his ear as the ride came to a stop. 

“Excuse me!” he called after the mother with the child from the cart in front of them, who was helping her daughter out of the cart. “Here, I think you dropped this.” He quickly pushed the bar aside from their cart and held out a folded piece of paper- his drawing of them.

“Oh- thank you!” she replied, a puzzled sort of smile on her face. 

“Come on,” Remus said quietly to Sirius, and led him off in the other direction. 

“Why’d you give her your drawing?” Sirius asked, confused. 

“Because,” Remus replied, dragging a hand through his curls as though he was embarrassed, “maybe, just maybe, they’ll keep that drawing. And when she’s older, the girl will have no doubts in her mind about how much her mother loved her.”

Sirius stared up at Remus. How had he managed to find someone so kind, so pure? 

“How come no one visited you?” he blurted out suddenly. 

“What?” Remus replied, frowning in apparent puzzlement. 

“I was at the hospital for three days, with you right there on the same ward, and not once did I see anyone come to visit you. Why?” Sirius watched as the familiar shutters closed behind his eyes. 

“They were busy,” he said in a firm tone, turning away so Sirius couldn’t see his face. “My family was busy. Come on.” He began to walk away, leading them to a hot dog stand. 

Sirius sighed in frustration. Why did Remus refuse to let him in? The irony was not lost on him- he had spent so much of his teenage years ditching girl after girl because they wanted to know too much about him, and he just wasn’t ready to let them in. But wasn’t that exactly what he wanted now from Remus?

He was so screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a sucker for theme park dates xd  
> to all of you who have made it so far, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading!  
> let me know what you'd like to see next in the comments, it would make my day :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW death, mention of suicide, grief 
> 
> omg this chapter was so much darker than I was planning! please only read if you’re in a good headspace, and please be kind to yourself xx

“If you could be anything, what would you be?” Sirius asked, slurring his words. He was sat with Remus on a bench in a deserted corner of the park nursing a paper cup of hot mulled wine, his breath clouding in front of him in the cold. 

“I’d be an artist,” Remus replied, closing his eyes and tipping his head back. 

“Not a pianist?”

“No, I think- I mean, sometimes I feel I’m only doing it because I don’t have any other options. If I hadn’t got my scholarship to study here, I genuinely don’t know what I would have done. I still don’t really know what I’m going to do. What about you?” he asked, lifting his head and surveying Sirius with his piercing green eyes. 

“I want-” Sirius broke off, thinking about the question. “I decided to do maths at uni because, well, I like maths, you know? But now I guess I just want to do something as a career that makes a difference to the world. Like what my friend Marlene is doing, studying to be a doctor and all, only I hate the idea of studying medicine. Was always shit at biology- one time we had to dissect a heart at school and I couldn’t stand the smell.” He wrinkled his nose at the memory. Remus let out a sudden laugh. 

“The smell of a heart? What the fuck.” He broke off, laughing, and Sirius joined in. “I know what you mean, though. Like, if we died today, I’d want to know that I made a difference and that at least one person’s better off because of me. You know?”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied, staring at Remus intently. “That’s exactly it.” He felt an odd sort of painful sensation in his ribcage just below his sternum- as though there was a rope there, pulling him towards Remus. 

“It’s getting cold,” Remus said, shivering, as a gust of chilly wind lifted his curls, and he hunched over his cup of mulled wine as though he could absorb the heat from it and pull it into his bones. Sirius noted idly that Remus’ hair smelt like apples and wondered what it would be like to run his fingers through them, and if it was actually as soft as it looked. 

Wow. He must have been a lot drunker than he thought. 

“Oh! Here,” said Sirius, unwinding his scarf and handing it to Remus. He smiled gratefully at Sirius as he accepted the scarf, who idly thought that he would do whatever it took to get Remus to smile at him like that again. 

“Look!” Remus exclaimed suddenly, dragging Sirius’ gaze to the sky, where Remus was looking. “It’s snowing!” And sure enough, tiny white flakes were spiralling gracefully from the sky, landing in Remus’ hair. “You look like you have dandruff,” he observed suddenly, casting his gaze upon Sirius’ hair. 

“Hey!” he replied indignantly, shaking the flakes out of his hair, but it was no good- the snow was coming down thicker now, and Sirius suddenly thought that this moment- sitting with Remus in the yellow glow of the lamp, watching the lights of the rides glow in the distance- was absolutely perfect. 

Almost perfect. 

At that moment, the silhouettes of three strangers appeared at the edge of Sirius’ peripheral vision. He felt, rather than saw, Remus tense beside him, and his breath caught in his throat. Were these the men from that night? They were close enough now that the gentle glow from the streetlamp illuminated their faces, and Sirius could see that no, this was not them. They all had long hair and smiled in a friendly fashion at Remus and Sirius as they ambled past, whereas the men from that night all had their hair cropped short in buzz cuts and looked much more imposing and physically larger than these men. 

“Hey, you okay?” Sirius gently asked Remus, who was staring at the ground, his mouth in a hard line. 

“This was a mistake, Sirius, I can’t be out with you here like this. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you here. It was my fault. I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean- Remus?” He watched in bewilderment as Remus got up from the bench, crumpling his paper cup in a fist and shaking out his fluffy curly before walking off into the distance. “Hey, wait!” he called after Remus’ retreating figure, but didn’t even think to follow after him. 

\---

“Oi, stop your moping, Padfoot, and help me put up this bloody mistletoe,” James grouched at him the next afternoon while Sirius lay on the living room sofa, some book on artificial intelligence by Hannah Fry held aloft over his head. 

“Get Mary to help you,” he grumbled back, ignoring the indignant “Hey!” that wafted from the kitchen in response. 

“Come on, mate, it’s Christmas eve. Lighten up!” James said, stepping down from the chair he was standing on to get the mistletoe to reach the ceiling and coming over to sit next to Sirius on the sofa. “Budge up,” he added, prodding Sirius into a sitting position with his hip. “So, what’s going on? You think I don’t know when my best friend’s acting funny?”

“It’s nothing,” he said, closing his book and sighing. “Guess I just haven’t properly bounced back yet after all that shit with my appendix, you know?”

“Oh, yes.” James nodded sagely. One of the things Sirius loved the most about his best friend was that as much as he would always be there for you in a crisis, he didn’t pry. “Come on then, tradition awaits!” he exclaimed, standing and spreading his arms proudly. Last Christmas Eve, they had spent the day together because James’ parents were off skiing in the Alps and James had decided not to accompany them after learning that Sirius had nowhere else to go, and they had played a game of twister with the other people in their accommodation who had also stayed behind for Christmas. This, Sirius noted, was apparently now a tradition, as he helped James move one of the sofas aside and spread the giant twister mat on the carpeted floor. 

“Ooh, what’s all this, then?” a girl with waist length dirty blonde hair- Luna- asked mildly as she skipped into the room, Marlene and Mary following behind her. 

“You’ve never played twister before?” Marlene remarked in surprise, her eyebrows shooting up her forehead in a comical expression.

“Oh, no,” Luna replied absentmindedly. “Daddy says that games like this make you more susceptible to wrackspurts. It’s okay, though,” she added, clearly misreading the confusion in their expressions for worry. “They’re harmless, really.”

“Er, right.” James added awkwardly, “so, who wants to be on the spinner?”

But everyone’s eyes turned to Sirius, who had gone quite still and was staring down at his phone with horror. 

“Everything okay, Pads?” James asked, coming to his side immediately. “Oh,” he said quietly, as he saw the name of the caller flashing up on Sirius’ phone. “Oh no, Sirius, don’t answer it. Leave it.”

Walburga Black. Sirius’ mother. 

Ignoring James completely, he stood and pushed open the sliding glass patio door to go out into the garden where he could take the call. He swiped to the right with shaking fingers. 

“Walburga,” he said in a surprisingly steady voice. “To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure? I take it you aren’t calling to wish seasonal greetings. Never one for festivities, if I recall.” The false bravado in his voice didn’t fool either of them. 

“Sirius Orion Black, for once would you hold your tongue,” the voice on the other end of the line snapped, but it sounded oddly muffled, as though she had been crying. “It’s not like I want to be talking with my disgrace of a son. I’m calling about Regulus.”

And Sirius sank to his knees on the cold, wet grass as his whole world tore apart. 

\---

He didn’t know how long he remained in the same position; it was only when his knees had turned numb with the cold and his tears had stopped flowing that he sat back on the grass, wiping his face with his sleeve and looking skywards. His eyes wandered until they found the constellation of Leo, and the star within that his younger brother was named after. 

His little baby brother, Reggie, who was supposed to be the sensible one, the one who would always, always be there, would never live to see his next birthday that coming June. How hadn’t Sirius seen this coming? Regulus had only just started University that September. Sure, they hadn’t seen that much of each other since Sirius left home at sixteen, but that didn’t mean he was any less his brother! He should have seen the signs. He should have been there. 

“Hey,” a soft, unfamiliar voice came from his shoulder. Luna. “He’s up there, you know.`’ She gently took his hand away from where he hadn’t realised he was digging into his shoulder with his nails, drawing blood, and held them in her small, warm ones. “Your brother.” Her eyes weren’t sympathetic or pitying; instead, he found understanding in their blue depths. “He’s up there; so is my mother, you know. It’s okay. She always used to tell me stories. Death is always made out to be the bad guy, some evil cloaked figure, but I don’t think it is. It shouldn’t be. It’s just the next adventure, and we aren’t supposed to be able to understand it yet. And I’m sure your brother wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad because of him.” 

Sirius took a shuddering breath. “It’s my fault. It’s MY fault. It’s my FAULT.” He bellowed the last word, dropping Luna’s hand as though he had been burned. “It’s my fault.” He continued muttering those words over and over again until they lost all meaning, until maybe, just maybe, he could transport himself into a timeline where his little brother hadn’t thrown himself off Blackfriars Bridge and into the River Thames. And for Regulus’ various talents that helped him uphold his title as the golden child of the Blacks, Regulus Arcturus Black did not know how to swim. 

“Hey.” A deeper voice floated from his left, and soon he felt a warm, larger hand on his shoulder. “Come on, now. You’ve been out here long enough, let’s get you inside.” James gently steered Sirius towards the door, where Mary and Marlene stood talking in an undertone while stealing worried glances at him every so often. 

“It’s been a week,” Sirius said quietly to James. “My little brother has been DEAD for a whole WEEK and I’m only just finding out about this? I was out last night drinking mulled wine on a fucking Ferris wheel in the fucking park while my brother’s body was lying in some morgue! Cold! And I-” Sirius broke off, his throat physically aching with the restraint of not crying. 

“Oh, Sirius, don’t blame yourself,” James said softly. “None of this is your fault. I know you think you can carry the whole World on your shoulders- and knowing you, you absolutely can- but you shouldn’t have to. This isn’t your fault,” he reminded Sirius gently as he broke down completely, clutching his best friend’s shirt as he sobbed onto his shoulder. “And hey, I knew your hair didn’t look any shorter,’ he joked, clearly trying to cheer Sirius up and reminding him how he had lied to James the previous day when he had gone to meet Remus by claiming a need for a haircut. 

Remus. He felt a physical ache in his chest that was quite different from the pain of Regulus’ death, and his deep, shuddering sobs subsided somewhat. 

“I’m sorry, Prongs,” Sirius said, his voice sounding shaky and thick with unshed tears. “I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas Eve. I’m just exhausted now, I promise I’ll be fine, I’m just going to have an early night. Thank you for being here for me, I don’t deserve any of you,” he added and pulled James into a proper hug. “I just can’t believe he’s actually gone,” he muttered quietly, and James steadied him with a hand on his shoulder, looking worriedly into his eyes. 

“Listen, Padfoot, if you need anything at all, you come straight to me, okay? We’re your family. Always have been, always will be. I’m still not sure if it’s a good idea for you to be on your own,” James added, frowning as Sirius brushed the remaining tears from his eyes. 

“No, don’t worry, Prongs, enjoy the rest of your Christmas Eve, okay? I promise, I’ll be fine.” Sirius ducked out from under James’ arm, brushing past the girls and into his bedroom where he closed his door and immediately sank against the wall, his head in his hands. 

Regulus.

Without really knowing what he was doing, Sirius took his phone from his pocket with trembling hands and dialled the first number that came to mind. 

The second the call clicked into place, Sirius spoke. “Why do we act as though we’re never gonna die? As though we’re invincible? I mean, I could just drop dead at this second, and then what? What did all of this even matter?” Sirius’ voice sounded dead even to his own ears, edged with hysteria.

“Sirius, where are you? Stay where you are, I’m coming,” Remus replied after a long heartbeat. At that moment James rapped on his door.

“Hey, Pads, everything okay in there?” He called.

“Yeah!” he called back.

“Uh, I’m home,” he said down the phone. 

“Oh,” said Remus after a brief pause, “sorry. I guess I don’t have to come round then.”

“No, come over,” Sirius said a bit too quickly. “Please. I mean, that is, only if you don’t have any other plans. Oh shit, I’m so sorry, I’m a right dick calling you like this on Christmas Eve, you obviously must be busy. And I know how we left things last time, I’m so sorry,” Sirius fought out, tears threatening to spill to the surface again. 

“No, hey, don’t talk like that.” The gentle sound of Remus’ voice down the phone soothed him and pulled him down from the emotional tightrope he was walking inside. “I’ve got nothing on, don’t worry. I’m on my way over now, just text me your address and I’ll be there in an hour.” 

“Remus?” he choked out, tears beginning to stream down his face again as he fought past a sob. “Please hurry.” He hung up and banged his head back against the door behind him, clutching at his chest and wondering whether the empty, clawing pain ripping at his heart would ever stop.

Whether this time, he would ever be able to heal.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW grief, mention of suicide and alcohol dependency

> 'He was pointing at the moon, but I was looking at his hand.'  
>  \- Richard Siken

***

“He’s in there.” James’ hushed tones pulled Sirius out of his reverie, and he rubbed a hand over his face, his eyes feeling rough and gritty. Not a moment later, a soft knock sounded at his bedroom door. “Padfoot? You’ve got someone to see you.”

“Sirius? I’m coming in.” Remus’ voice, this time. Sirius let out a breath he didn’t realise he had been holding as Remus stepped into his room, dressed in his familiar corduroy jacket with Sirius’ maroon scarf wound around his neck.

“Remus,” Sirius choked out. “I’m so sorry Remus, I shouldn’t have called you, I don’t know what was thinking. It’s Christmas Eve for God’s sake; of course you must have had plans! I’m so sorry, you don’t have to-” Sirius broke off as Remus quietly shut the door behind him and walked up to Sirius slowly, in the calming way one might approach a wild animal. 

“It’s okay,” Remus said softly, kindness that Sirius did not deserve emanating from their green depths. “I’m here.” He pulled Sirius into a hug, his faint scent of apples washing over Sirius, whose body began to convulse painfully with dry sobs. He had no tears left to cry. 

“I just- my little brother. He’s all I have left. All I had left.” Sirius corrected himself between sobs, his fingers clutching Remus’ jacket like a lifeline. “And I didn’t even bother to reach out to him; too busy living my own fucking worthless life! I would have known that something was wrong if I had only bothered to call, you know? It’s my fault he’s dead. And I just-” Sirius fought past the painful lump in his throat. “I just miss him so much.”

Remus broke off from the hug to look Sirius in the eyes. “This isn’t your fault, Sirius. I’m obviously not gonna say it's all going to be okay, but do you really think Regulus would have wanted this for you?” Sirius didn’t pause to remark at the fact that Remus had remembered his brother’s name. 

“I wouldn’t even know what he would have wanted these days,” Sirius replied quietly, sighing, looking away from Remus’ penetrating gaze. “Hey,” he added, forcing a watery smile, “you brought me back my scarf.”

“Yeah.” Remus smiled back at Sirius, the sheer kindness in his eyes causing a physical ache to radiate out from just below his sternum. “Here.” Remus unwound the scarf from around his neck and placed it gently over Sirius’ shoulders. “Back where it belongs.”

“Looked better on you, though,” Sirius tried to joke, his voice sounding strangely emotionless even to his own ears. 

“Come on,” Remus replied, clearly not being fooled. “Let’s get you into bed.” He took Sirius’ shoulders and steered him gently towards his bed, folding back the covers and looking expectantly at Sirius. Sirius took his pajamas from the foot of the bed and began unbuttoning his sodden, grass-stained jeans, his motions robotic and lifeless.

“Wh- what are you doing?” Remus blurted, deep spots of colour appearing high on his cheeks.

“Um.” Sirius replied, looking down and realising what he had done.

“No, carry on,” Remus replied in a strained voice, turning around so his back was to Sirius.

Sirius undressed and then dressed quickly, feeling acutely aware of Remus’ presence a metre away from him, and slid past him and out through his bedroom door and into the kitchen. Thankfully, the others were nowhere to be seen. 

“Sirius? Where are you going?” Remus asked, following after him in confusion. 

“I just need a drink,” he replied blearily, reaching the kitchen cabinet where they stored the liquor for house parties and grabbing the first bottle he could find. 

“Maybe let’s not do that now, yeah?” Remus’ voice was gentle, but his eyes were stern as he took the bottle from Sirius and made to put it back in the cupboard, but he must have seen something in Sirius’ eyes that made him change his mind as he turned around, sighing. “Come on, then. One drink.” 

Sirius led him out into the garden; his skin felt itchy and tight, and he wanted to feel the wind on his face. “Don’t feel like you have to stay Remus, I’ll be fine. I’m so sorry for ruining your night.”

“Stop apologising,” Remus said as they took a seat on the edge of the patio, spreading his jacket for them to sit on so they wouldn’t get wet. “I was just doing some piano at home when you called, I promise you’re not keeping me from anything important. I’d be spending Christmas Eve alone if it wasn’t for you.”

“How come?” Sirius asked, taking a swig from the bottle, relishing in the way the liquid burned as it slid down his throat and kindled a familiar warmth in the pit of his stomach. “Oh, sorry,” he added, as he remembered Remus’ aversion to talking about anything personal.

“No, it’s okay,” Remus sighed, dragging a hand through his mess of curls. “I gather your family is pretty messed up?” he asked tentatively, watching Sirius to see his response, and visibly relaxing when he snorted. 

“You don’t know the half of it.”

“Well, mine could give you a run for your money.” Remus replied with a wry twist of his mouth. “My mother died giving birth to me, and my dad never liked me when I was growing up. He never said it, but I’m pretty sure he blamed me for her death.”

“That’s so messed up! As if any of that was your fault,” Sirius exclaimed indignantly. 

“And then,” Remus continued, anger blazing in his eyes, “he killed himself the day before my sixteenth birthday and left me to deal with his messes. I still-” He broke off suddenly, looking towards Sirius, and then gasped, his eyes widening. “Oh, Sirius, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think.”

“No, don’t,” Sirius replied airily, waving a hand, ignoring the pinching feeling in his gut. “What messes?”

“Oh. Nothing, I’m just being dramatic. Nothing.” Remus’ eyes shuttered and he took the bottle from Sirius, taking a large gulp, and sighing. “What a pair we make,” he said sadly.

“Hey, you know what’s funny?” Sirius said suddenly, turning fully to face Remus. “I left home at sixteen too.”

“Where did you go?”

“Oh,” Sirius said, his face reddening. “I lived in a caravan by the seaside for two years, going to some sixth form in Brighton. James always says that his folk would have taken me in if they had known me then, and I guess I envy the life I could have had.”

Remus reached down and picked a daisy from the grass, twirling it idly between his long, artist’s fingers. “What’s that thing James called you?” he asked suddenly. “The guy that let me into your house was James, right?”

“Yeah,” replied Sirius, frowning. “Oh! You mean ‘Padfoot’?”

“That! What does that even mean?”

“They’re nicknames we gave ourselves last year. He’s got one too,” Sirius added at Remus’ quizzical expression. “His is Prongs.”

“What?” Remus snorted. “What kind of piss-poor nicknames are those?”

“Hey,” Sirius replied indignantly, feeling defensive on behalf of his best friend. “We were on our first night out together and I probably had a bit too much to drink, and decided to take my shoes off on the walk to the tube home.”

“Which is not a very good idea in London,” Remus observed.

“And on the walk home, I somehow stepped on a very sharp human tooth and got it stuck in the sole of my foot. Shut up!” he added, laughing, as Remus doubled over with laughter. “I had to go to A&E and get shots for rabies and everything.”

“Well that’s where your nickname is from, what about Prongs?” 

“Well, James came to the hospital with me, and he was still really drunk- I mean, we both were. And they got out some pronged instrument to remove the tooth, and James, bless him, looked at me with absolute horror and shouted ‘prongs.’”

“No way,” Remus said, gasping for breath through his laughter.

“Yeah.” Sirius chuckled fondly at the memory, and they both lapsed into companionable silence. 

After a while, Sirius glanced over to Remus, noticing that he had gone very still and was staring intently at something in the sky. It was a full moon, and the subtle light illuminated his pale, delicate features and a small scar by his eyebrow that Sirius hadn’t noticed before. It looked new. 

“What are you looking up at?” Sirius asked. He didn’t want to look at the sky himself, where he knew he would instantly find the star Regulus twinkling down at him.

“I’ve always loved the moon, don’t you?” Remus asked, his voice subdued with reverence and a hint of wonder. 

“Doesn’t your name have something to do with the moon?”

“Yeah, both of them, actually.” Remus tore his gaze from the sky to roll his eyes at Sirius. “Crazy parents, what can I say.”

“Moony,” Sirius said quietly, testing the sound of the word. 

“What?” Remus asked, confused. 

“Moony!” Sirius exclaimed proudly, louder this time. “That’ll be your nickname. Moony.”

“Hmm. I guess it’s not the worst nickname in the world,” Remus replied, his green eyes twinkling as he looked over at Sirius.

\---

“Well, I’d best be off then,” Remus said, wobbling slightly as they reached Sirius’ door.

“Wait- Moony?” he asked hesitantly, trying out the new nickname. He liked the sound of it in his mouth- but most of all, he cherished the small, secret smile of an inside joke that Remus gave him. 

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you could stay? I mean, I know you must want to get back home, so not for long; maybe just until I fall asleep? I just-” but Sirius broke off as Remus nodded gently, not needing to speak the words for him to know how he couldn’t be alone.

“I’ll be here as long as you need,” he said softly, reaching unsteadily to brush a strand of Sirius’ chin-length hair from his forehead. Sirius closed his eyes at the touch breathing in the apple-sweet scent of him.

“Thank you.” He opened his eyes and found Remus staring intently at him. “What?” he asked. 

“Nothing.” Remus smiled as he usually did, like a soft, gentle secret. “Come on.” 

Sirius led the way into his room where he awkwardly got under the covers, his bedside lamp bathing the room in a soft, warm glow.

“You play?” Remus asked, nodding towards the guitar in the corner as he took a seat on the edge of his bed. 

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll show you in the morning,” Sirius mumbled sleepily. “If you’re still here.”

Remus replied with something, but Sirius was too far gone to make out his words. He drifted off to sleep with a newfound, warm glow taking up residence next to the grief in his heart, his hand fisted in the scarf which had found among the covers, breathing in Remus’ scent.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW grief

Sirius opened his eyes groggily, shielding his eyes from the dazzling rays of winter sunlight streaming from the open blinds. 

His gaze fell upon Remus curled up wolf-like at the foot of the bed, his hair in an endearing state of disarray and his mouth open slightly in sleep. 

“Remus?” he mumbled in confusion. “Moony. Oh.” He let out a gasp as the memory of the previous day washed over him, and tears pricked painfully behind his eyes again. Remus startled awake, blinking sleep away from his eyes as he unfurled himself from his position and made his way over to where Sirius was shaking with silent tears in the middle of his bed. “I’m so sorry, go back to sleep,” Sirius mumbled incoherently, while simultaneously moving over to give Remus more room at the top of the bed. “I was fine last night, wasn’t I? I don’t know why this is happening.”

Remus gently smoothed the covers over him and looked down at him with such kindness that was physically painful to behold. “Grief isn’t linear,” he reminded him gently, and pressed a feather-light kiss on top of Sirius’ head. Sirius fought down his rising hysteria and pursed his lips tightly, instead breathing in the comforting scent of Remus and using it to ground himself. 

“Guess I’m now the sole heir to the black family fortune.” Sirius spat suddenly, remembering. “It doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t want anything to do with their money. They stole it off the backs of hard working people; it’s blood money, and I refuse to accept a penny of it.”

Remus watched him, his expression inscrutable. “Hey, Sirius, what actually happened with your family that made you leave home at sixteen?” he asked tentatively. No. Not now. He couldn’t get into this now.

“Happy Christmas, Moony,” he whispered, closing his eyes. 

“Happy Christmas, Sirius.”

They stayed in that position for a while, Remus idly stroking Sirius’ hair, the soothing motion making the tight pain in his chest bearable, and almost lulling him back to sleep.

“So, do I get to hear you serenade me on the guitar?” Remus asked suddenly, grinning crookedly at Sirius. “I seem to remember you saying you would play me something in the morning.” He gestured to the window, as though Sirius needed to see some evidence that it was, in fact, morning. 

“Yes, but I didn’t actually think you would still be here,” Sirius replied reasonably. “Maybe another time. And only if I can hear you on the piano.”

Remus chuckled, the sound kindling a strange, unfamiliar warmth deep inside him, and they fell back into their comfortable silence. 

Not even a moment later, there was a sharp rap on the door- James. “Hey, Pads, you awake in there?” he called. “Everything okay?” 

Sirius jerked guilty and fought to create as much distance as possible between him and Remus, which was difficult as he was trapped under the blankets between Remus and the wall. He ended up clumsily hurdling over Remus, but his foot remained caught in the bundle of blankets, and he fell heavily to the ground, catching the side of his face on the corner of his bedside table. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine, you don’t have to come in!” he called out to James in a strangled voice, but it was too late; James had never been one for personal space, and he was already halfway inside the room. His eyes widened with surprise as he beheld Remus, half-lying on the bed and wearing an extremely bemused expression, and Sirius, lying flat on his back on the floor and clutching his head. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise your friend was still here! Friend- or maybe- I mean-” he asked, peering curiously at Sirius.

“No,” Sirius hastily replied much too quickly, and turned instantly to grimace apologetically at Remus, only to discover him looking stonily at the wall with his head turned away from Sirius.

“Happy Christmas!” James suddenly exclaimed to the room at large, much too cheerfully , as though he could diffuse the tension that his entrance had created. “Are you staying for Christmas Dinner?” he asked Remus. “Er, I don’t actually know your name.”

“Oh, it’s Remus,” Remus replied, slowly getting to his feet and still avoiding looking at Sirius. “And no, I wouldn’t want to impose. I’ll be off now,” he added stiffly, taking his jacket from where he had folded it neatly at the foot of the bed and walking towards the door, where James stood aside to let him pass through. 

“It would be absolutely no trouble,” James began, but the slam of the front door punctuated his words, letting him know that Remus had already gone. 

“Um, is everything okay?” James asked awkwardly, still hovering in the doorway. 

“Yeah,” Sirius replied as he got to his feet with some difficulty, wincing as he pressed his hand against the bruise forming on his temple. “Yeah, ‘course. We were just talking late and I guess Moony fell asleep.” James levelled him a look full of too much understanding for Sirius’ liking, his pursed lips twitching at the sound of Sirius’ nickname for Remus. 

“Well, come on then. Now that you’re up, you can help me and Mary with the turkey. Marls is still closeted away with Luna,” he added, shooting Sirius a conspirational grin that he did not return. 

“Sure. I’ll be out in a sec, I just need to get changed.” James nodded and left, closing the door behind him. 

Sirius groaned, scrubbing his hands over his face and collapsing onto his bed, feeling the sharp edge of something poke into his back. Curious, he reached behind him. 

Remus’ notebook.

Sirius’ breath caught in his throat as he flung the book onto his bedside table, feeling inexplicably guilty, as though he was in the wrong somehow. Should he call him and tell him to come back for his book? No, he would wait for Remus to calm down and then text him the first thing in the morning. But texting Remus would have to wait. Sirius had a Christmas dinner to prepare. 

\---

“Say ‘nargle.’” Luna’s airy voice sounded from the corner of the kitchen where she was standing with Marlene’s phone, poised to snap a picture of everyone squashed around the small table with their plates piled with food, colourful paper crowns adorning their heads. 

“Say what?” Mary asked in confusion, but Marlene shushed her, shaking her head with a smile. 

The morning had flown past in a whirlwind of cooking and last minute wrapping of presents; a sizable heap of ribbon-adorned boxes now lay under the tree in the living room, which hadn’t been there a moment before. 

Sirius forced himself to grin for the picture, knowing that the smile would not reach his eyes, and ducked his head down, focusing on piling his plate full of golden, crispy potatoes and crunchy green beans, avoiding the brussel sprouts entirely. The atmosphere around the table was brittle; everyone, even James, seemed to be stepping on eggshells around Sirius, with the sole exception of Luna. Every few minutes, she looked intently at him with her pale blue, protuberant eyes in a way that made him feel as though he was being x-rayed, and she didn’t shamefully lower her gaze when he caught her staring, as he had expected. Something about her was startlingly open and honest, and he remembered what she had said to him in the garden the previous day; how she had taken upon herself the task of comforting a near stranger. He decided that he liked Luna very much, funny quirks and all. 

“Sirius, who was your friend who came over last night?” Mary asked tactlessly through a mouthful of turkey. James shot her a glare from across the table, Marlene looking politely interested as this turn of conversation. 

“Oh, that was Remus,” Sirius replied, forcing his tone to be casual. “I met him the other week- you know, that night we all went out- and then I ran into him the other day in Hyde Park,” Sirius said. Not exactly the truth, but not really a lie, either. “I guess we get on pretty good,” he added, stuffing a whole potato in his mouth so he wouldn’t have to talk anymore. This did not go well; choking on his food and with Mary thumping him on his back, Luna surveyed him with her stripping gaze and put her fork down, opening her mouth as though she was going to say something. 

“Hey, who wants more drinks?” Sirius asked loudly, cutting Luna off before she could start. As much as he liked her, he did not want her uncanny knack for observation at that precise moment in time. “I’ll get the wine.” He made a fuss of bustling over to the cupboard and opening a fresh bottle of wine, topping up everyone’s glasses and then sitting back down to tuck into the rest of his meal.

The rest of the day passed in a flurry of inane chatter and opening presents- it was a quiet affair, and for that, Sirius was glad. He tried to keep as busy as possible, clearing away the dishes and then the wrappings from the presents, simultaneously dodging conversation and keeping his mind from straying to thoughts of his brother. 

The next few days were no different, in Sirius’ mind; for the most part, he kept himself closeted in his bedroom, either studying distractedly for his exams coming up after the Christmas break or idly strumming his guitar. It was at those moments, when he was playing the chords from his favourite ABBA songs, smiling to himself, that his thoughts would stray to Remus- to his delicate, finely boned hands, and how they felt against his skin when he would gently brush Sirius’ hair back from his forehead, the contact sending a zap of electricity through his body. Or to his fluffy, dark blonde hair, the beautiful colour of wet sand on a beach, and how Sirius caught himself often wondering what it would be like to run his fingers through them. Or to his startlingly green, enigmatic eyes, and how they would crinkly slightly at the corners when giving Sirius one of his secret smiles. When Remus smiled at Sirius, it was like no one else in the world either existed or mattered; there was only them. Remus had a way of making Sirius feel like he was the only person in the world. 

Sirius knew his friends were worried about him; he could sense their concern from behind his closed door, and more than once a day, James would poke his head around his bedroom door and plead with him to join the rest of them in their games of twister or chess or whatever game they were using to pass the holidays. His attempts to include him grew more and more insistent the more he declined, and recently, he had been using Mary and Marlene to try and coax him out of his room as well. But to no avail. 

Sirius’ gaze fell, for the millionth time, on the tattered, leather-bound notebook on his nightstand. He still hadn’t texted Remus about it; if he was being honest, he was pettily waiting for Remus to text him first- like a teenager. Thinking about how they had left things last time left a physical ache in his chest; but they weren’t… together? Were they? No. Certainly not. Although the memory of Remus’ soft, pink lips, and how inviting they had looked that day at the park, and how they would pull up at the corner in one of his trademark secret smiles… No. Utterly absurd. Sirius Black did not have a crush on Remus Lupin, thank you very much. 

But Remus had a crush on Sirius, didn’t he? He had admitted as much in one of their first texts. Sirius scrolled up the text history, trying to find it. ‘can’t believe i have a crush on a mathmo.’ There it was. Sirius clenched his hand around his phone, relishing in the way the cold metal bit into his palm, feeling confused. 

Before he had a chance to think about what he was doing, he found himself typing out a text to Remus. 

‘hey, hope ur xmas was good? i just found ur notebook under my bed, no clue how it got there. u want me to bring it next time i see u?’

He hit send, drumming his fingers on his phone impatiently. With a sharp huff of breath, he switched off his phone and began to pace back and forth- two steps to the window, turn, two steps back to the bed. It would be fine- Remus would reply, and everything would be back to normal. 

But one day passed, with no response. 

And another day. 

It was the afternoon of New Years Eve when Sirius started to worry. 

Sure, Remus was mad at him, but his sketchbook meant a lot to him, and the fact that he hadn’t bothered to contact Sirius left an empty, nagging feeling at the back of his gut, as if something was definitely wrong. Or maybe he was just ignoring him- maybe Remus was genuinely mad. Without really knowing what he was doing, he found himself at his nightstand, his fingers hovering nervously over the notebook. 

This was wrong. 

But Remus was ignoring him; what more could he possibly do? And the curiosity burned deep within him; he knew, deep in his heart, that snooping on his friend in this manner was wrong, but he didn’t possess a modicum of self control in that moment strong enough to stop him.

Gently, almost reverently, he slipped off the bulldog clip holding the book closed, and flipped onto the first page, smoothing his fingers over the cream paper. It was a pencil study of a family. A little boy was in his father’s arms, crying, while a girl- she looked like a toddler- clutched onto her mother’s sleeve, looking guilty. Sirius smiled, looking at the exquisite attention to detail; even without being there, he knew exactly what must have happened. The girl had picked on her younger brother- probably something harmless, out of love- who now had to be comforted, leaving the girl guilty and confused. Flipping through the next few pages, he found lots of similar studies. Remembering how Remus had done a quick sketch of the mother and daughter on the ferris wheel, Sirius realised that this must be the book he took with him in public, drawing sketches of people he found interesting. Sirius felt suddenly like he was intruding on something intimately private; he was seeing the world through Remus’ eyes. 

And it was beautiful. 

Sirius continued flipping through the pages, stopping on a sketch that made him pause. It was a sketch of two men who looked to be in their late teens or early twenties, and while there was nothing actually explicit about the drawing, it made him blush nonetheless. They were drawn sitting on a bench in a public park, and the taller of the two was sat on the backrest of the bench and gently held the other boy’s hand up to his lips, like how men used to kiss women’s hands in greeting in days gone by. But what made Sirius pause was their eyes; their gazes were firmly locked on one another, as though they were the only two people in the world. There was absolutely no mistaking that these two men were in love. 

Sirius’ blush intensified and he felt a strange, painful yearning in his chest. He continued flipping through the pages, unable to get that drawing out of his head. He eventually reached the place where Remus had ripped out the drawing to give to the mother on the ferris wheel, and he smiled, running his finger across the jagged edge of the page, his eyes already searching out the drawing on the next page.

Sirius almost dropped the book.

There, clear as day on the page, was a stunningly lifelike rendition of Sirius. His face was unguarded in sleep, one hand curled up beside his face, twisted in the scarf and the other hand- Sirius blushed- clutching onto the hem of Remus’ jacket. Which he had still been wearing. Sirius screwed his eyes shut in embarrassment, wondering how Remus had managed to get at an angle to draw him while being held on to so tightly. It was no wonder he had still been there in the morning! Sirius physically hadn’t let him leave, even in sleep. 

And as if Remus knew that Sirius had been snooping, his phone rang from where it was lying on his bed, the caller ID flashing up with Remus’ name. 

“Hello?” Sirius answered breathlessly after one ring, hoping his voice didn’t sound too guilty. 

“Sirius?” Remus sounded tired, even on the phone. “I’m so sorry about my book, is it okay if I come round later for it?” 

“Er, yeah, ‘course! Hey, how come you’re only just getting back to me?” His voice sounded accusatory even to his own ears. 

“I’m sorry. I’ve just been busy. You know how it is.” Remus sounded distracted and worn out, and strangely tense.

“Yeah, don’t worry ‘bout it,” Sirius mumbled. “See you soon.” Remus hung up before he had a chance to. 

Sirius knew without a doubt that he wasn’t the only one who was hiding something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed this chapter!  
> hmm, what's remus hiding? xd


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW struggling with sexuality
> 
> Song lyrics from First Time he Kissed a Boy by Katie Elder

First time he kissed a boy  
He had never, never known  
Cover up is what they told  
Feel so cold  
First time he kissed a boy  
He had never, never loved  
Walks on a curvy road  
Feel  
Get lost, get lost, get lost  
Get lost, get lost, get lost

***

“It’s for you!” Mary called drunkenly from the hallway, having just gone to investigate after the ring of the doorbell startled Sirius from pacing back and forth in his room. His friends had clearly started their New Year's eve celebrations already. He frantically combed through his hair while looking at his reflection in the small mirror, bemoaning the dark circles under his grey, slightly lifeless eyes. 

“Sirius?” Remus knocked on his door once and poked his head around, and Sirius could not help it- he let out an audible gasp. 

However tired Remus had sounded a few hours ago on the phone, it was nothing compared to how he now looked in person. He had a purple bruise blooming on his left cheekbone, and a shallow cut sliced through his bottom lip, causing an irrational, violent wave of anger to swell up through Sirius like a rising tide. 

“Who did this to you?” he demanded, surprised that his voice managed to remain steady. Remus focused his weary eyes on Sirius, closing the door slowly behind him. Sirius realised with a pang that his dark circles were nothing compared to Remus’.

“None of your concern,” Remus replied, only moving his mouth the slightest amount as though the cut on his lip was causing him a great deal of pain. Sirius’ nails bit into his palm. “My notebook?”

‘Oh, here.” Sirius handed it over, his fingers lingering slightly too long on the worn leather cover. It felt like he was giving up his tiny bit of Remus; even as he stood in front of him, in the flesh, wearing his usual inscrutable expression, cuffed jeans and tattered red sweater.

“Thank you. Sorry for causing you trouble, I’ll be off now.” And he actually turned around as if he fully intended on leaving. 

The bastard. 

“I’m sorry!” He blurted out before he could stop himself. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? The thing I said to James. I just don’t- I mean, I haven’t- I don’t know!” He threw up his hands in frustration. “I thought we were friends? Why did you act like it was such an insult for me to say that!” He pointed an accusing finger at Remus, suddenly feeling the sting of Remus’ absence the past few days growing inside of him in a flurry of anger.

Remus dropped his hand from where it was gripping the door handle, his knuckles white, and turned slowly around to face Sirius, wearing a mildly incredulous expression. “This is why,” Remus whispered, his eyes glowing with an expression that Sirius could not name as he took Sirius’ face in his artist’s hands and kissed him full on the mouth. 

The anger inside him shifted into something different, something warm and molten and intense and calm all at once. It was everything. ‘Oh,’ Sirius thought. ‘So this is what it’s supposed to be like.’ He could taste the blood from Remus’ cut on his lips and his hands wound their way into Remus’ long, messy curls of their own accord. He had always wondered if they would feel as soft as they looked; they were softer. 

Sirius pulled back slightly. “Remus, what-”

“Shh,” Remus replied softly, pulling Sirius back to him and kissing deeply; it was sweet and beautiful and Sirius’ nostrils were filled with Remus’ apple scent; and there was something underneath that which was purely Remus, something he hadn’t noticed before, like the air after a spring rainfall, fresh and clean and new and full of promises. 

Sirius deepened the kiss, moving his hands to clutch the collar of his stupid, stupid sweater, and Remus made a small noise in the back of his throat that made Sirius go weak at the knees. He was kissing Remus Lupin.

He was kissing Remus Lupin.

“No,” Sirius muttered abruptly, pushing away from Remus. What was he doing? 

He was panting, his mind racing as he struggled to form a coherent thought. “You kissed me!” he exclaimed accusatorily. 

“Well, yes, that is what just happened, very observant of you,” said Remus drily. 

“What, so you just come in here and kiss me and now you’re probably going to leave and just air my texts and calls like you’ve been doing? And you don’t tell me anything about yourself! What, you think a kiss will just fix all that?” Sirius shouted, suddenly realising how very much these things actually affected him. “Well, fuck you, Moony! It’s not like I’ve even known you that long, if you want to go, just leave then! You don’t have to mess me around like this. Leave.’ And to prove his point, Sirius shoved Remus in the shoulder, who winced as though the slight aggression had hurt him. But Sirius was beyond caring. “Leave.” Embarrassingly, his voice caught in his throat like he was about to cry. 

Remus’ eyes sparked, and he rifled through his notebook, his hands shaking. “You have the nerve to say we haven’t even known each other that long? Fine. Fine, I’ll leave, don’t contact me any more!” He ripped out a page of his book in an angry motion and scrunched it into a ball in his fist, throwing it violently at Sirius’ chest, where it bounced onto the floor and rolled under the bed.

And Remus turned on his heel, seething, and left, slamming the door behind him.

All that was left in Sirius was a hollow, ringing emptiness, fingers involuntarily twitching at his side as though they wanted to reach out to Remus, to beg him, to plead with him, to stay. 

—-

“10 more minutes ‘till midnight!” Mary hollered, and James whooped drunkenly from where he was stood on the couch, his weight making it sag threateningly in the middle as he gave an awful out of pitch rendition of ‘Don’t stop me now,’ his glasses askew and his light brown skin gleaming with sweat. “Come on Marlene!” Mary shouted as James’ song drew to a close, grabbing her friend by the hand and pulling her bodily up on the sofa. “Duet with me.” The into to Madonna’s ‘Hung up’ started playing.

“He’ll come back, you know,” a calm, airy voice said from by his shoulder. 

“Who?” Sirius asked flatly, turning away from the scene unfolding in front of them to see Luna smiling at him knowingly; it infuriaed him, but that was how Luna was. 

“It’s okay,” she said, tracing her finger around the rim of her cup holding some deep red liquid. “I know.”

“Luna,” he began, “I don’t know what you think you know but me and Remus are friends. That’s it. I’m straight,” he added firmly, though as said it, he felt some monster in his chest rebelling at the idea. Was he? “What’s that you’re drinking?” he finally asked, pushing the monster down, deep, deep, deep. 

“Oh, it’s a gurdyroot infusion,” Luna said excitedly, seeming much more enthused about this turn of conversation than their discussion about Sirius’ sexuality. “Here, try it! It’s supposed to make you much less susceptible to wrackspurts so it really helps you with decision making, thinning, that sort of thing.” Sirius took a sip of the infusion and grimaced, almost gagging. It tasted like cold fermented beetroot gone bad. He shoved the cup hastily back into her hands with a mumbled thanks, forcing his grimace into an appreciative smile as he hastily made a beeline for the bathroom, thinking that if he did throw up, it was the best place to be. 

Once assured that the contents of his stomach were fine right where they were, Sirius looked at his reflection in the tiny mirror above the sink. His eyes were dull, a lifeless grey, and his lips were still slightly swollen from his kiss with Remus. Unconsciously, he lifted his hand to touch his lips, thinking.

The funny thing was, he had been pretty sure he was straight until he had met Remus; sure, he had never really felt anything for any of the girls he had gone out with, but that was fine, wasn’t it? It didn’t make him gay, did it?

In a blinding rush of clarity, Sirius remembered sticking up David Bowie posters in his room as a kid, staring at his face and his incredibly cool hair and clothes every night before he went to sleep, thinking ‘I want to be just like him when I grow up.’ And all the cool boys in the years above at school he had always stared at, feeling things he couldn’t put a name to but assuming he just wanted to be like them too; like role models. 

But actually, maybe he had been looking at them for an entirely different reason. 

But no, he still had to be straight because- well, shouldn’t he know by now?

But surely straight people, he realised, didn’t spend so long trying to convince themselves they were straight. 

Sirius shook his head as he exited the bathroom, frustrated, his cheeks flushed and his head spinning.

“Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight…” Oh fuck, it was almost midnight! Sirius rushed into the living room, watching Luna and Marlene gazing into each other’s eyes in the corner, clearly oblivious to the new year teetering on the horizon, as James and Mary counted down loudly from the middle of the room. 

“Hey,” Mary said, drunkenly swaying. “New Years snog as usual?” She winked at him playfully. Last year, Sirius and Mary had made a pact to be each other’s stand-in partner whenever necessary while they were both single, and why should this year be any different? 

“Three, two, one, happy new year!” James screamed, releasing a party popper over Mary and Sirius as they kissed. 

No sparks, nothing. 

Mary’s lips were warm and tasted faintly of champagne, and surely if Sirius were straight he would feel something? Mary was beautiful and gorgeous and surely, surely Sirius should feel something?

“Hey, Remus! Sirius, look, it’s your friend,” he heard James drunkenly shout, and Sirius broke off from Mary suddenly. 

And there, framed by the doorway of the living room, was Remus, staring with an unnatural stillness and Sirius and Mary stood inches apart, his expression unreadable. 

“You should really think about getting a lock for your front door,” Remus said flatly, and turned on his heel and strode out into the hall. 

“Remus, wait!” Sirius cried desperately, chasing him into the hall, but Remus had vanished into the chill night air, not even a full minute past midnight. 

Sirius’ thoughts were racing; not wanting to deal with any of his friends’ questions, he made a beeline straight for his bedroom, where he slammed the door, breathing heavily. Something white under his bed caught his eye- Remus’ drawing. Sirius reached for it, knowing as he smoothened out the paper exactly what he would see. 

The perfect drawing of him, asleep, clutching onto Remus. 

Sirius sank to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I don’t know why all my chapters end so dramatically, I promise it’s not intentional! Hope you enjoyed this one :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a happy chapter cuz y'all deserve one! i hadn't realised how angsty it's been so far and i wanted to try and balance it out a bit :)
> 
> Song lyrics from Somebody Better by Black Honey

All they say  
No regrets  
And how did we make such a mess  
Oh no  
Here we go again  
Promised you wouldn't get attached and  
After all that's said and done  
You can be somebody better  
When the light of day has gone  
I'll be somebody better

Tell me what's real when I'm living a lie

\---

Nine calls gone straight to voicemail and 17 unanswered texts later, Sirius didn’t know what to do. It was all a huge misunderstanding! Remus didn’t know that there was absolutely nothing between him and Mary; that there could never be anything between him and any girl, as he had finally realised on New Year’s Eve. He felt a burning ache in his chest; he wanted to tell Remus, more than he wanted to tell any other person in the world. 

Well, maybe there was one other person he wanted to tell. 

“James?” That was how he came to be standing with some trepidation outside James’ bedroom door which was left slightly ajar, the dim gloom from inside and the closed curtains suggesting that he had not yet awoken, even though it was already the early afternoon. 

“Oi, Padfoot, that you?” James’ groggy reply came a moment later. 

“Yeah,” he replied, stepping into the room. “Um, actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh.” James sat up, blinking the sleep away from his eyes and eyeing Sirius with worry. “Hey, it’s not about Reg, is it? You okay?” He patted the bed, and Sirius sat on the edge. He had never been so nervous around James; the feeling was new and unwelcome. He didn’t know what he would do if James reacted badly- he was the first friend to whom Sirius had ever opened up fully, and the idea that he might not accept him as who he was was absolutely intolerable. 

“No, it’s not about him.” Sirius gave a strained laugh, feeling a sudden pang for guilt that he was even laughing so soon after his brother’s death. “Um.” He had to come straight out and say it. “James, I think I might be gay.”

James visibly relaxed, huffing out a laugh and cuffing Sirius on the shoulder. “Is that it? The way you look, you’d have thought that someone died! Oh, sorry,” he added, remembering. 

“What do you mean, ‘is that it’?” Sirius asked, confused. “Aren’t you… I don’t know, a bit surprised?”

“Padfoot, mate, I’ve known for ages!” He laughed.

“What?” Sirius exclaimed indignantly. “If you’ve known for ages, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I dunno, I just thought that maybe this is one of those things you have to find out for yourself, you know? Like, I couldn’t very well come up to you and tell you that you were gay, now, could I? And besides, I didn’t know for certain, I just had my suspicions. Stronger suspicious since Remus has been showing his face around here.” He waggled his eyebrows deviantly. 

“Yeah, well. I don’t think you’ll be seeing much of him any more,” Sirius said flatly, looking down.

“Oh,” James said. “You want to talk about it?” He peered down at Sirius with such warmth and brotherly concern in his kind brown eyes which Sirius felt so undeserving of, that he felt a lump rising in his throat. Sirius shook his head wordlessly, not trusting himself to speak. “And besides,” James continued, “you know that I- and the others, of course- will always support and love you. And if there’s anything you need, you just have to ask. You’re my best friend in the world, Pads, don’t you ever forget that.”

Sirius smiled shakily, and grasped James’ hand in his in a show of thanks.  
“Well, actually, Prongs, there is one thing,” Sirius said slowly, a plan beginning to form in his frazzled, overwrought mind. 

\---

“You really think this is going to work?” James asked the next morning as they stood outside the Royal College of Music, London, James gallantly holding an umbrella decorated with dancing ballerina frogs to shield them from the pouring rain.

“It has to work,” Sirius said firmly, and pushed open the door. 

He knew that Remus came here to practice for hours every morning from 6AM (apparently even over the Christmas holidays), so if there was anywhere Sirius would put money on being able to find Remus as they stood there in the early morning gloom, it was here. “I’m not trying to win him back, I just need him to know that it was all a misunderstanding,’ Sirius muttered, more to himself than anything. He snorted suddenly. “Win him back? As if I ever had him in the first place!”

They walked straight through to the elevators, and Sirius paused as they stood before the buttons to different floors, James looking at him expectantly. “Uh,” he said. “Um, I’m not super sure where he would be?” 

“It’s okay,” James said, calm and level headed as always. “I guess we’ll just try them all.”

He pressed floor 1, and Sirius felt a familiar swell of jittery nerves in his stomach as the lift began to rise. 

“Hey,” James started suddenly. “Is everything okay with Remus- you know, at home? He had those cuts and bruises and he doesn’t seem like the violent sort, so I just wondered…” He trailed off, looking apprehensively at Sirius. 

Sirius sighed. “He doesn’t really like to talk about things like that, I guess? I don’t know, I mean, he’s a pretty private sort of person, but I just don’t know how longer I can go without saying anything about his bruises! And remember how- oh, sorry, you don’t even know! When I was in the hospital for my appendix, he was in the hospital bed next to me for some reason, even though he looked completely fine then. He’s hiding something, James- not just something, but many, many things,” Sirius finished desperately. “And every time I try to help him, or just, like, show him that I’m always gonna be there for him, he gets so mad at me for prying. But I don’t want to know out of curiosity or anything shitty like that, I just want to know he’s okay. I sometimes think I’d do anything just to make sure he’s okay. And how messed up is that? I barely even know him and he clearly doesn’t want to let me in.”

James nodded, apparently deep in thought. “Well, I think he should tell you. I mean, obviously he should confide in you and all. But have you thought that- I dunno, maybe he’s scared that if you know the truth, whatever that is, that you might not actually want anything to do with him? That, in the light of day, the truth would make you run away? I saw how he looked at you on New Year’s Eve.” He laughed, seeing the way Sirius was looking at him. “Come on, I was drunk, but not that drunk! He really cares about you. For what it’s worth, I think you two just need to have a proper conversation. No more misunderstandings.”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded, feeling his stomach clench with anticipation. 

“Come on.” James dragged him out of the elevator onto the first floor, pointing at a sign. “Piano, did you say? All the rooms with pianos are down here.” They made their way to the corridor of small, soundproof rooms, James taking one side and Sirius taking the other as they peeked methodically into each room to look for Remus. When they found no sign of Remus, they moved up to the next floor, and then the next. Just when Sirius was starting to lose all hope and was about to apologise to James for leading them on a pointless mission, James spoke. 

“Hey, Padfoot, he’s in here.” He jerked his head to the room at the very end of the corridor, and Sirius looked in, his heart pulsing in an erratic pattern in his ears. It was a large, hall-like room, and Remus was sitting at the grand piano in the centre of the room, his eyes closed. His fingers were moving swiftly over the keys like they had a mind of their own, and his face was twisted in a frustrated grimace. Sirius was struck dumb by the sight of his elegant posture, looking despite his silly ratty clothes like some fine, noble gentleman- no, the way the sunlight from the window caught his hair in a halo of dazzling gold, he looked like an angel.

“What are we waiting for?” James asked, his mouth pressed in a stern line, and he pushed open the door. 

Sirius’ breath caught in his throat. 

Remus was so wrapped up in his playing that he apparently did not notice them enter the room, and Sirius was so enthralled by the sheer emotion in his flawless playing; note after note after chord in a forceful, never ending torrent of sound that spoke such volumes of anger and frustration that Sirius understood the grimace on his face.

“Hey!” James shut the door loudly, and Remus’ hands fell off the keys with a loud clang. Sirius was surprised by the strength of his own disappointment; lost in the sound of Remus’ playing, he had quite forgotten what they were there for, and Sirius rather thought that he could easily listen to him play forever and ever, and would never want for food, water or any other form of sustenance as long as Remus’ hands never left the keys. 

“What are you doing here?” Remus’ shocked face glared at them from his seat on the piano, and then flushed deeply- presumably in embarrassment that he had been caught playing. Sirius noted with discomfort that the bruise on his face somehow looked worse today than before.

“Sirius- and I, for that matter- have something to say to you,” James said firmly, walking over to the piano self-assuredly. “Would you please, please just have a normal conversation with each other? Without you running away and leaving me to deal with this mopey sod?” He gestured earnestly towards Sirius, ignoring his strangled sound of protest. “And Padfoot is the most loyal friend- no, the most purely good person that I have ever known. And if you ever hurt him, you’ll have me to deal with.”

He shook his ballerina frog umbrella threateningly, droplets of water spraying all over the polished wooden floor. 

“And hey; that being said, mate, keep up the good playing! I’m not one for music, myself, but that didn’t sound half bad.” He winked at the bemused Remus- he was back to his usual friendly self, and cuffed Sirius on the shoulder on his way out. “I’ll just be in the lobby downstairs,” he said as he shut the door behind him.

“Um, hi,” Sirius began awkwardly, not actually even knowing where to start now that Remus was sitting in front of him, in the flesh. 

“Are you going to say any more than that?” Remus said stonily, looking pointedly out the window rather than at Sirius, his eyes squinting against the winter sunlight.

“Remus- Moony, you have to know that there is nothing between me and Mary. We made a pact, as friends, to do that sort of thing while we are both still single.” Remus raised a single brow. “You know, Valentine’s day, that sort of thing.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “And I know it’s taken me awhile to actually come to this conclusion, but meeting you has made me realise the actual reason I have been single for so long. I was looking in the wrong place. But you, Remus, you’re everything. You’re what I’ve been looking for all this time. And all of this, everything that’s happened, it’s led me to you, and that can’t be a coincidence, can it? I’m gay,” he finished quietly, “and I wanna be with you.” 

Remus stood, turning to look at Sirius, and the force of his gaze was even more blinding than the Sun. “Oh, Sirius, you can’t have thought that’s why I was mad at you,” he said softly. “I could see clear as day what you felt for me, and yeah, it did piss me off a bit that you wouldn’t acknowledge it, but was I mad at you for that? No. I’m afraid, Sirius. I’m afraid because I’m not good for you, and soon there are bits of me that aren’t gonna seem that great and… well, I’m selfish. I don’t want you to see those parts of me. And more than anything, I just don’t want you to pity me. James is right, you’re the purest, kindest soul I’ve ever met, and you deserve so much better than someone like me. You deserve someone who can be everything that you deserve.”

Sirius was flabbergasted. He did not even know where to begin with so much information- so much stupid information- and a tiny part of his brain realised that what James had said in the lift was exactly right- just like always.

But Remus was standing in front of him with an agonised expression in his deep, gorgeous eyes, looking so heartachingly beautiful, and Sirius suddenly knew exactly what to say. “Shut up,” he said, his voice hoarse, and pulled Remus in for a bruising kiss. 

Their last kiss had been deep, and slow, and beautiful, like a river of molten lava.

This one was fireworks. 

Remus was caught off guard, and they stumbled backwards into the piano, the keys clanking dissonantly beneath them- but Sirius was beyond caring. Sirius captured the small noise of surprise Remus made with his lips, and wound his hands passionately into his messy hair. Oh, those curls, Sirius thought. They would be the death of him.

“Sirius what-”

“I said, shut up,” Sirius mumbled against his mouth. Remus pulled back abruptly, but Sirius cut him off before he could start by nuzzling into the warm, soft hollow below his jaw, nibbling gently on the skin there. Remus made a strained sort of sound, and put his hands on Sirius’ waist as if to steady himself.

“Moony,” Sirius breathed against his neck, and then pulled back to look him in the eye. “You don’t have to tell me anything you truly don’t want to tell me,” he mumbled softly. “But I care about you, I do, and if something’s hurting you- no, listen- if something’s hurting you, I’m not gonna stay quiet. That’s what you get from someone who cares. But if you’re not telling me stuff ‘cuz you think I’ll think less of you? That’s bullshit. Nothing you do could make me think less of you. 

Remus’ eyes glowed, and Sirius watched the bob of his throat as he swallowed. 

“Get back here, you,” Remus whispered. 

Sirius obliged.

\---

“I was actually practicing, you know, before you molested me.” Remus’ green eyes twinkled as he drew back to look at Sirius playfully. 

“Well, don’t let me stop you,” Sirius suggested hopefully, nearly an hour later. “I’ll just sit right here.” He stood from where he was straddling Remus on the cushioned piano stool only to immediately sit right back down on its edge, patting the space next to him so Remus had space to budge up. “Go on,” he encouraged him smugly.

“Okay,” Remus said, his mouth curling up in one of his secret smiles that Sirius so loved. “But you owe me a song on your guitar.”

Sirius couldn’t help it. He grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Remus is playing on the piano when Sirius first walks in is Chopin's Étude Op. 10 No. 4 (Torrent)  
> Give it a listen xd  
> & I like to think the one he plays for sirius at the end is clair de lune ... a sweet, sappy classic :)
> 
> As always, i hope you liked this chapter, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading!
> 
> Edit: omg I forgot about James! legend says he is still waiting in the lobby to this day ...


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW mention of suicide (nothing detailed)  
> another cute chapter! :)
> 
> song lyrics from winter nostalgia by aron

It's scary to open up  
But it's Christmas and I'm tired of being alone  
We were simply meant to be  
We were simply meant to be

\---

“Three hours!” James exclaimed indignantly. They were on the tube on the way home, Sirius holding Remus’ hand and grinning like a fool. “You left me there in the lobby for three bloody hours! I was minutes away from sending a search party after you both!” But he was eyeing the way Sirius grinned as he held Remus’ hand, and clapped Sirius on the back. “Happy for you, though, mate,” he said, smiling. 

“Er, James?’ Remus began. “S’okay if me and Sirius get off here? There’s somewhere I want to show him.”

“Yeah, that’s sound, mate,” James replied, glaring at Sirius. “Padfoot! You made me wait for you to abandon me at the next possible moment? Ugh.” He pursed his lips, but his eyes were smiling- and, knowing James, this feigned anger wouldn’t last. 

“You love me really,” Sirius laughed, allowing Remus to pull him out of the carriage and into the musty-smelling station of the London Underground. “So, where are we going, really?” he asked Remus as they made their way up the steps and onto the street.

“You’ll see.”

“Moony, why do you always have to be so secretive? Ugh. It’s like hanging out with someone in bloody MI5.”

Remus laughed as they emerged onto the street, the sharp winter sunlight causing them to squint after the dingy lighting of the Underground. “Trust me, you’re not gonna say that once you see where we’re going. Come on.” 

After a few minutes of walking, he led them down a small side street next to a boarded-up pizza place, weeds breaking through little cracks in the pavement and shards of glass from a shattered window littering the street. “Hey, Moony?” Sirius asked, the thought just occurring to him. “This isn’t where you live, is it?”

“Yeah,” Remus replied quietly, pausing to look intently in Sirius’ eyes. “Well, come on, then.” He used a key to open a door with chipped, peeling paint, and they emerged in a dimly lit hallway with flyers and unopened letters lying on the doormat. “Not mine.” He nodded towards the papers on the floor, answering Sirius’ unspoken question. “Roommate lives down the hall and hasn’t been here in a while. Not sure where she’s gone, to be honest.” 

Sirius absorbed this disturbing piece of news and forced a weak smile. 

“But I’m not too worried,” Remus added, seeing Sirius’ expression. “She just started going out with some guy, Frank, and he seems super nice and I’m sure she’s just been at his place. And besides, if anything had happened, he’d probably have been here ages ago banging down the door.”

Sirius followed Remus up the crooked stairs, almost banging into his back as they stopped in front of the first door on the left of the landing. “Well, this is it,” he said in a bracing sort of voice. “Come on.” He opened the door, giving it a small shove with his shoulder to unstick it when it jammed on the hinge. 

It was a cramped one bedroom apartment, and though it looked small and shabby with peeling wallpaper and worn wooden floorboards, it had an aura of cosiness and something else that was distinctly Remus. He was in the tatty sweaters and corduroy trousers hanging on an open clothes rail (no room for a wardrobe), in the bookcase crammed with books, and in the maroon blankets piled atop his small single bed. He was in the loose pages of sheet music strewn across nearly every surface, even stuck on the walls, but…

“Hey, Moony, don’t you have a piano? I mean, you’re always practicing, all the time, so why don’t you have one?”

Remus looked at him incredulously. “We can’t all be made of money, Sirius, not like you!” Sirius flushed delicately, hanging his head. “Besides, look at where I live. Do I look like I have a whole lot of room for a piano?”

“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” Sirius replied guiltily. 

“This is what I didn’t want,” Remus said quietly. “I didn’t want your pity.” 

“I don’t pity you!” Sirius said loudly. “Look, no pity here. What’s there to pity? Nothing. No-thing.” He enunciated the two syllables clearly as he sat dramatically on the bed in a show of his lack of pity, the springs creaking dangerously under his weight. “It’s actually nice,” he said earnestly. “Actually, I really love it here. It reminds me of you.” He realised with a start that he was telling the truth.

Remus’ eyes glowed and he shrugged off his jacket, tossing it on his clothes rail and collapsing on the bed, positioning himself so his head was in Sirius’ lap.

“Hiya,” Sirius said, surprised. In a good way.

“Hey,” Remus replied softly, closing his eyes as Sirius’ hands found his hair. “Oh my god,” he groaned quietly.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, quickly moving his hands from his hair. He had done it quite involuntarily- he had always had a slight obsession with Remus’ hair, and the urge to bury his hands in it had been just too strong to resist. 

“No, no, don’t stop,” Remus said, his eyes fluttering open. “It feels nice.”

“Okay,” Sirius replied nervously, and hesitantly resumed his actions. He relaxed when he saw Remus close his eyes in satisfaction, and Sirius kicked off his shoes, lying back as well. The sheets were soft and smelled distinctly of Remus- apple and spring rainfall. Sirius smiled, closing his eyes too.

“So what do you play on your guitar?” Remus asked. “I still haven’t forgotten your promise.” Sirius could hear the smug smile in his voice. 

“Oh this and that,” Sirius said evasively. He sighed. Remus would find out eventually. “I’m kinda… really obsessed with ABBA. I got into guitar cuz I really wanted to play my favourite ABBA song. Hey!” he added indignantly when he felt Remus’ shoulders shake with laughter. He immediately stopped playing with Remus’ hair, until his laughter subsided. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry! I just never got the impression that ABBA is very rock and roll.” Remus chuckled. 

“I play acoustic, you knobhead. And says you, with your classical fucking piano.” Remus laughed out loud.

“But why ABBA? And which song did you say was your favourite? The sole reason Sirius Black picked up a guitar for the first time.” Sirius could hear the crooked smile he so loved in Remus’ voice.

“I dunno, I just- all of their songs make me feel so happy, like maybe there’s some good in the world, you know? I haven’t told anyone this before, but it’s just; they have this way of singing about all the good stuff, like, listening to them kinda makes me feel like everything’s gonna be okay. And as for which song- that’s the one I’ll play for you on my guitar. Ugh, I know, it’s stupid,” he added as he noticed that Remus had gone very still.

“No, I think it’s nice,” Remus said gently, reaching behind him to grasp Sirius’ knee. Sirius felt a flood of warmth in every nerve of his body at the contact.

“I mean,” Sirius continued, “it’s nice to listen to them because it reminds me that our lives have literally been lived thousands of times before us. In hundreds of generations of people, there have been some just like me, who loved cheerful music because they hated to feel sad, who puts their teabag in after the boiling water, who… well, you know what I mean? And listening to them makes me feel not alone. Sorry, that’s probably stupid,” he added after a while, noticing Remus’ silence.

“Sirius,” Remus began softly. “I don’t think there’s ever been anyone like you.” Sirius stilled; he was suddenly overcome with such a strong emotion that he couldn’t name, and all he felt was an overwhelming sense of gratitude that Remus was there with him. “But the teabag thing? That’s a dealbreaker. What kind of fucking weirdo puts the teabag in after the water?” He laughed.

“Well, fine, I told you my thing, now tell me something about you.”

“I didn’t realise this was a game! Hmm, okay, let me have a think. Er, I sleep with socks on.”

“No, something meaningful!” Sirius protested. “But that’s super weird, Moony, can’t lie.”

“Okay, fine, um. Fine.” Remus took a deep breath. “You asked me before what I’d have wanted to go into if I didn’t do piano- if I could be anything, what would I be. I would have wanted to study classics- Ancient Greek, really. ‘In the darkness, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun.’”

“Shit.” Sirius cleared his throat. He didn’t know what to say. “You should be a poet,” he croaked finally, his throat feeling dry. For some reason, Remus laughed.

“No, I didn’t write that. It’s from my favourite book; um, remind me to lend it to you before you go.”

Sirius swallowed, nodding even though Remus could not see him. “Got any more fancy quotes you’re hiding from me?” 

“Er, well, there’s this one quote about pie. Can’t remember it exactly. But it reminds me of you, for some reason.”

“Oh,” Sirius said. He wasn’t entirely sure what would be an appropriate response to that bizarre statement. They lapsed into comfortable silence, Sirius still languidly playing with Remus’ soft curls. 

His last coherent thought before he drifted off to sleep was that he could happily stay here, with Remus, forever.

\---

Sirius opened his eyes groggily a while later, the room bathed in a dim glow from the streetlamp outside Remus’ thinly-paned window. 

He turned his head, massaging his stiff neck, where Remus was still fast asleep, his dark gold hair spread across the bedspread and his mouth slightly open, his hand still on Sirius’ knee. Sirius smiled slightly, and gently eased himself off from the bed, moving cautiously so as not to disturb Remus. Creaking over to the small adjoined bathroom for a drink of water from the tap, he was just wiping his mouth on the back of his hand when he heard quiet, whispering voices from outside Remus’ door. 

He couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, so Sirius inched closer to the door, stepping gingerly to prevent the floorboard from creaking. He still couldn’t make out the words, so he peeked out from Remus’ peephole, feeling guilty, for some reason, like he was snooping. It was just- Remus hadn’t mentioned any other neighbours, apart from the girl who apparently hadn’t been here in a while, and Sirius felt oddly protective of Remus.

The sight outside the peephole made his heart stop dead in his chest. 

It was, unmistakably, the three guys from that night in the club- a night which felt like it happened ages ago, like in another lifetime. 

They all had their hair cropped short in buzz cuts, and one of them- he looked like the leader- had a sleeve of tattoos that crawled all the way up to the side of his face. They were poking around at the door opposite to Remus’ in the hallway, and were speaking to each other in a low tone that Sirius still could not hear. 

What were they doing here? After all of this, why was Remus still hiding so much? Who were they?

The men seemed to have found what they were looking for- they followed the tattooed leader down the stairs and out of Sirius’ sight.

“Hey.” A curious, sleepy voice from the bed made Sirius freeze guiltily, though Remus didn’t seem as angry at his obvious snooping as he would have expected. “Whatcha doin’ over there?” Remus groggily slurred his words, his hair looking adorably ruffled. 

“I thought you said you didn’t have any other flatmates?” Sirius asked, forcefully keeping the accusing tone from his voice. 

“I don’t?” Remus frowned, confused. “Why do you ask?”

“Um, no reason. It’s just- you know the men, those guys from the night we met- they were all there, hanging about outside.”

Remus froze, looking for all the world as though Sirius had just told him news of his imminent death, not of some people who had been lurking outside. 

“What?” he hissed, leaping from the bed and peering out of the peephole himself, as if to make sure the coast was clear. “Why didn’t you wake me? Sirius, look at me, are you sure it was them? Absolutely, one hundred percent sure? And did they see you? Sirius, did they see you?” he added urgently, looking at him with wide, desperate eyes.

“Um, yeah, pretty sure,” Sirius said, uncertain. “And no, they didn’t see me. Why, who are they?” he added quickly. “Is everything okay?”

“No, everything is not fucking okay!” Remus said hysterically, kicking the bottom of his bookcase, books on the top shelf toppling precariously. “Oh fuck, fuck!” He was muttering angrily, his knuckles white with anger. 

“Moony, you have to tell me what’s going on! Are you safe?” Sirius asked, genuinely growing quite worried.

Remus turned his wide, green eyes on Sirius, who was startled to see tears glistening there. 

“No, I don’t think I’m safe,” Remus said, an edge of hysteria to his voice. “Those men, I owe them a lot of money.” He was talking fast, now. “Well not me, my dad. But then he had to go and fucking kill himself when I was a child.” His tone was bitter. “And ever since I turned eighteen, they’ve been after me. A lovely present from the grave from dear old dad. They want me to pay them the money he owed them. But I have nothing.” He turned his face desperately to Sirius. “But you don’t understand, I’m not worried for me, I’m worried for you. They won’t hurt me, because then how could I get them the money? But if they know how I feel- If they know about you, they could use you to get to me.”

Sirius shook his head. “No, Remus, oh my god, are you serious? Why do you think they’re here? They clearly want something to do with you, and whatever it is, it can’t be good! What can I do?” Sirius asked.

“Well, can I ask something? I would never ask this, normally, and I’m so sorry, and it’s fine if you say no- but, do you think it would be okay if I could stay with you for a bit? Just until I sort this out? Then I’ll go, I promise. Would your mates be okay with it?”

Sirius pulled Remus in for a hug, tenderly kissing his forehead and breathing in his scent.

“Oh, Moony, of course. Stay as long as you like.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh! the plot thickens...
> 
> The book that Remus quotes from is (ofc) the song of achilles by madeline miller  
> if you haven't read it... drop everything right now and go and read it ! xd
> 
> let me know if you want to know the pie quote :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another happy chapter! 
> 
> song lyrics from don't delete the kisses by wolf alice

When I see you, the whole world reduces to just that room  
And then I remember and I'm shy, that gossip's eye will look too soon

\---

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Remus asked. They were sat in an empty tube carriage at 9pm that night on the way to Sirius’ house- dressed suspiciously in hoodies with the hoods pulled up over their faces. Remus had insisted that they sneak out of his flat under the cover of darkness like criminals, and Sirius hadn't had the heart to refuse. Anything to make Moony feel safer.

“Yeah, shoot.”

“Is it okay if we don’t tell your friends about us? I just... I mean, now that I’m staying at yours, I’d rather not have the weight of their expectations and all that- just while we’re still figuring things out. You know? I mean, I don’t mind James knowing, but I’d rather it just be him. Is that okay?” Remus asked tentatively.

“Oh yeah, sure,” Sirius agreed, but he couldn’t help the slight sinking feeling in his chest. If he was being honest, he had been looking forward to showing off his new boyfriend to Mary and Marlene- and what did he mean, ‘still figuring things out’? 

Wait… Boyfriend? Is that what they were?

Maybe Remus was right. It was too soon.

“Moony, you’ve met my friends,” Sirius stated suddenly.

“Yeah,” Remus replied suspiciously. “And?”

“Well, how come I haven’t met yours?”

“Oh.” Remus looked down, scuffing the train floor with the toe of his boots. “Well, what with practicing and then more music classes at the Academy and all that, I guess I haven’t had much time for- you know. And I guess I was also scared. I mean,” he sighed, “I might as well tell you know that you know. I was scared of what Greyback, Avery and Nott would do to anyone I cared about. It’s why I’m still so scared to be with you like this. I’m not scared for myself; I’m scared for you.”

He turned to look at Sirius with a pained expression, and Sirius couldn’t help it- he reached up to gently brush his cheek with a knuckle, smiling as Remus’ eyes fluttered closed. “Moony, don’t be afraid for me,” he said firmly. “All this worrying’s gonna turn you grey. Oh! Look, actually, is that a grey hair I see?” He reached up to tug on a strand of Remus’ hair with a teasing smile, and Remus rolled his eyes. 

“Are you sure your friends will be okay with me crashing at yours?” he asked again, a worried frown creasing his eyebrows. “Are you sure you’re okay with it?”

“Yes! Are you joking? Once you get to know them better, you’ll see- and I just know they’re gonna love you. And I’m so happy I’ll get to spend time with you! Oh, sorry,” he added, realising he was probably being a bit clingy, “bit dramatic.”

“No.” Remus took his hand, squeezing it gently. “Thank you. I mean it.” He turned to look at Sirius, his eyes overflowing with sincerity.

“How come you didn’t just, like, I dunno, leave the county or something?” Sirius mused. That way those guys couldn’t get to you? And how do they think you’re gonna pay them back anyway, I mean, you don’t have a job, do you?”

“Oh, well, actually.” Remus blushed, dropping Sirius’ hand and looking pointedly away from Sirius at a map of the tube stations on the opposite carriage wall, his neck flushing in a way that Sirius found very distracting. “I, kinda, do have a job, I guess? They organised it for me at the Academy- I perform some nights at classical concerts and stuff, mostly at Royal Albert Hall. Not as a proper act or anything, just while people are coming in and in the intermission and stuff.”

“Hey! Royal Albert Hall? That’s right next to uni!” Sirius exclaimed excitedly. Then he frowned suddenly. “But you’re so good enough to be a main act! That song you were playing yesterday, it was absolutely amazing, Moony,” he said earnestly. “You could totally be a main act if you wanted to.” 

Remus smiled modestly, picking up his duffel bag and following Sirius off the tube as it came to a screeching halt at Hammersmith. 

They walked back to Sirius’ shared house in companionable silence, Sirius carrying Remus’ duffel bag for him. When they reached the street just before his house, Remus stopped. 

“Oh, I almost forgot! Here, I’ll give you this now.” He took his bag from Sirius, unzipping it and pulling out a battered blue paperback book. “This is the book I said I’d lend you; my favourite in the world. I’m gonna want it back,” he added sternly, but smiled as he slung his bag over his shoulder and placed the book gingerly in Sirius’ hands. According to the title, it was ‘the Song of Achilles’ by Madeline Miller. Sirius held it gently, like he was carrying his own fragile piece of Remus. 

“I’ll read it immediately,” Sirius said softly, and then pulled a face as he realised what this meant. He would have to read! What was Moony turning him into?

They went into the house, immediately hearing a cacophony of friendly chatter drifting from the living room. “No, James, you cheated! Marlene, tell him!” a voice which unmistakably belonged to Mary shrieked indignantly. 

“Welcome home,” Sirius said teasingly as he shut the door behind Remus, and Sirius thought that the smile Remus gave him might well be the best thing he had ever seen in the world, 

\---

Sirius was surprised to learn that Luna was still there. When he had entered the living room with Remus to see the four of them sitting around the table playing uno, she had shot him a knowing look, but, much to Sirius’ relief, she didn’t say anything. James, however, shot Sirius a subtle wink when the others weren’t looking, which Sirius tactfully ignored in what he hoped was a dignified manner. 

Sirius’ friends had immediately accepted Remus as one of their own- within minutes, they were calling him ‘Moony,’ and Marlene had immediately drawn up a chair for him, much to Sirius’ feigned annoyance (“Marlene! How come you’re never this nice to me!”)  
Throughout the game, Remus would brush his knee or his arm against Sirius’ when he laid down a new card, and every time he did it, Sirius would forget how to breathe for a full minute. The slight contact sent shivers down his entire body in a very pleasant way. It was taking his entire concentration on simply not reacting, and he had to constantly remind himself of Remus’ wishes to keep his relationship- or whatever this was- private from his friends. 

“I call for a game of twister!” Marlene shouted, which was met with hoots of approval from James and Mary and a nonchalant, airy smile from Luna. 

“Um, what the fuck is twister?” Remus said in a low voice directly in Sirius’ ear, and the sensation of his warm, minty breath on his neck made him shiver. He needed to get a grip. 

“Have you been living under a rock your whole life?” Sirius joked, hoping his voice sounded steadier than how he felt. “Come on, I’ll show you. You’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.”

They all made their way to the rug in the centre of the room, where Marlene was laying out the twister mat on the floor.

“I’ll be on the spinner,” Luna decided, picking up the square cardboard object and daintily perching herself on the floor, where she sat, cross-legged. She was dressed in a striped pinafore dress with a polka-dot long-sleeve shirt underneath, and Sirius felt a warm rush of brotherly affection for her specific brand of uniqueness. Marlene had chosen well, he decided. 

“Okay, my love, right hand on… blue,” Luna said to Marlene, who immediately complied, grinning.

‘Easy,” she boasted.

“Ugh, Marlene, if you found the first spin difficult, I would have been seriously worried,” Sirius retorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“Come on, then, wuss, let’s see you beat me,” Marlene challenged, her face already turning red from being upside down- in what looked like a badly botched yoga position. 

“Sirius, left foot on red,” Luna decided after consulting her spinner, and Sirius did so smugly.

“Ha, look who’s not upside down,” he gloated. Upside down, Marlene stuck out her tongue at him.

Mary and James both had their turn, and then it was Remus’ go. He was standing in the far corner of the room, eyeing the proceedings with an apprehensive look on his face, as though he was mentally making a list of all the health hazards that the game posed. 

“Okay, Remus, right foot on red.” Sirius watched as he approached the mat, stepping right next to Sirius, so close that his breath ghosted against his cheek. 

“Hi,” Remus whispered into Sirius’ ear, and it was all he could do not to pin him to the mat then and there.

A few moves later, Marlene and James were both out after Mary had allegedly tickled Marlene’s neck, and the resulting chaos had knocked James out as well like a bowling pin. Mary was out as well due to suspected cheating, and the loud argument that promptly ensued left Sirius and Remus alone in the game, forgotten. Sirius was in a funny crab shape on his back, and Remus was half under him, half over him, his hair falling into Sirius’ face.

Sirius was acutely aware of every point of contact between them. “You’re not gonna win this one, Moony,” he panted. “I’m on the uni football team.” A blatant lie, but Remus didn’t have to know that. 

“Yeah, well,” Remus replied, “maybe I'm in good shape myself too. From, you know, other miscellaneous activities.” Sirius choked, and almost dropped onto the floor.

Luna’s high, dreamy voice broke through the argument, cutting it off effectively. “Sirius, Remus, you can both win this one. I’ll just be a second, my housemate is calling.” She held up her buzzing phone.

“Which one?” James’ ears perked up immediately as Sirius collapsed on the mat while Remus stiffly got to his feet. 

“Lily. She mentioned what you did to her bag, you know. That wasn’t very nice,” Luna said offhandedly, “but I think that the kitten makes up for it.” 

She waltzed out of the room to take the call while James spun dreamily in a circle. “Maybe she’s calling to ask for my number,” he said hopefully. “Or to declare her love for me.” Sirius snorted. 

Luna hurried back into the room a moment later, wearing a worried frown. “Marlene, would you be able to come with me now? Lily says her sister isn’t feeling too well; she’s at her apartment now.”

“Yes, of course!” Marlene replied, leaping to her feet. “Let’s go.”

“Oh, wait!” James interjected. “If you’re seeing Lily, will you give her this?” He dashed out of the room and returned carrying a bag the exact likeness of the one he had defiled. 

“Yeah, sure,” Marlene said, surprised. “Come on, Luna.” They disappeared out the door.

Mary was busy folding the twister mat, while James swayed slightly on the spot, his eyes vacant, clearly thinking about winning Lily back. “Hey, Remus, you want me to set up some sheets for you on the couch?” Mary asked kindly. James coughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Oh, uh, actually, Mary,” Sirius began, “I was gonna put the air mattress on the floor of my room. You know, just cuz it gets a bit draughty in here with all this glass.” He jerked his head towards the sliding patio doors.

“I don’t mind, honestly. I can stay here if it’s less trouble,” Remus interrupted, his face flushing delicately. 

“No, don’t worry, love,” Mary replied thoughtfully. “Sirius is right, it does get chilly in here. Well, I’m off to bed,” she added, yawning as she left the room.

“Sirius!” James exclaimed now that they were alone, rounding on where him and Remus had been attempting to follow Mary out of the room. “Why haven’t you told them? About you and Remus?”

“That was me,” Remus interrupted, his cheeks still a very distracting shade of red. “I didn’t want him to say anything.”

“Oh!” James said, backing down immediately. “Sure, mate, whatever you want. Sorry,” he added. 

“Nah, you’re good,” Remus mumbled, looking down.

“You guys want help with the air mattress?” James asked, raising an eyebrow at Sirius. 

“No, we’ll be fine,” Sirius replied pointedly. “Night, then James!” He grabbed Remus’ hand and dragged him into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

“You know, you really don’t have to go to all this trouble,” Remus said desperately. “I’m honestly fine on the couch, you really don’t have to do all this! Seriously, an air mattress is too much effort, I’ll just go on the couch.” He spun on his heel as if to make his way back to the living room, but Sirius grabbed his hand, yanking him bodily into his chest forcefully enough that they both collapsed onto Sirius’ bed in a tangle of limbs.

“Who said anything about an air mattress?” Sirius breathed, his chest glowing at the way Remus’ eyes lit with passion.

And Sirius kissed him, thinking he had never, ever been happier than he was in that exact moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly do have a plan, i promise!!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics from 'i don't believe you' by the magnetic fields

So you quote love unquote me  
Well, stranger things have come to be  
But let's agree to disagree  
Cause I don't believe you  
I don't believe you

I had a dream and you were in it  
The blue of your eyes was infinite  
You seemed to be  
In love with me  
Which isn't very realistic

\---

“Guess what?” said Remus. They were lying in each other’s arms in a tangle of bedsheets, the early morning sun streaming through the curtains and setting all the tiny hairs on Remus aglow in a dazzling shade of gold. Sirius rather thought he looked like a Greek god, especially with the way his curls fell over his face, highlighting the contour of his cheekbones.

“What?” Sirius replied lazily, stretching and tracing the line of Remus’ collarbone with his finger.

“It’s your turn to uphold your end of the bargain.” He grinned, rising onto one elbow and jerking his head towards the guitar propped up in the corner of the room. “Come on, then, let’s hear you play.” Sirius groaned, burying his face in the pillow.

“Moony, does it have to be right now? It’s seven in the bloody morning.”

“Yes! I know you, and you’re definitely gonna back out of it.” Sirius ignored the funny flip-flopping feeling that Remus saying he knew Sirius did to his chest, and sighed, sliding out from the warm duvet and groggily feeling around for his clothes.

“Forget the clothes. I think I like you better without them,” Remus said smugly, his eyes glowing as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the headboard. 

“Oh, is that so?” Sirius asked, arching an eyebrow and crawling over to where Remus was surveying him unblinkingly like a predator with their prey.

“Yes,” Remus breathed. They were close enough now that Sirius could count the individual freckles spattered across his nose, and he could see the shadow of his healing bruise and the way his golden eyelashes fluttered and the way his breath hitched when-

Remus closed the gap between them, kissing Sirius with the same focused intensity he reserved just for him. His lips were warm and soft and he shifted slightly beneath Sirius, moaning softly into his mouth and sliding his hands into Sirius’ hair.

“Hey.” Sirius pulled back with a wry smile, narrowing his eyes at Remus. 

“Come back,” Remus said, his pupils dilated so that only a sliver of his green iris was visible.

“Hmm. I thought you wanted to hear my guitar,” Sirius smiled teasingly as he shifted further away from Remus to pull on his trousers, his own heart racing. 

“Fine,” Remus assented grudgingly, settling back as Sirius returned to the bed with his guitar, perching on the end on top of the duvet and clearing his throat before strumming his first chord, opening his mouth to sing.

As always, Sirius got lost in the music and the feel of the strings beneath his fingers, as if the whole world melted away and it was just him and his guitar, singing about a summer spent in Paris restaurants and walks along the Seine, talk of politics and philosophy and laughing in the rain.

Once his last chord had faded into silence, he lifted his head to see Remus looking intently at him with an unreadable expression in his eyes, making Sirius feel all of a sudden very vulnerable.

“Um,” he said, ducking his head so his black hair fell in his eyes. “See, I told you, I’m really not that good.” He felt unnervingly like he had just been stripped bare.

“How could you ever say that?” Remus asked him, and Sirius had the distinct impression that he wasn’t just talking about his playing. “Was that the one you said you’d play me? Your favourite?” 

“Oh, no, my favourite is a lot happier. I can’t really do it justice… here.” He grabbed his phone and headphones from the bedside table and pulled up Spotify, hitting play on ‘If it wasn’t for the nights’ by ABBA and offering Remus an earbud. He watched Remus for his reaction throughout, smiling at the way he unconsciously bopped his head along in time with the beat.

“See!” he said excitedly once the song had drawn to a close. 

“Yeah,” said Remus, nodding. “I see why you like it. You can’t ever be sad when listening to that.”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied, frowning. He hadn’t thought about it like that. 

“I preferred the one you played, though,” Remus said decisively, unconsciously reaching over and strumming the strings of Sirius’ guitar.

“So what’s your music taste, then” Sirius asked curiously. “I mean, it can’t all be classical, can it?” Remus snorted.

“No, I mean, I like a bit of everything, I guess. Mostly older stuff, though. Um, Bowie, the Beatles, Queen, you know. I’m not even really a huge fan of classical music, now that the only reason I play piano is so that… well, you know.” Sirius filled in his unspoken words: so that he could make money to pay off those men his father had owed. 

“Moony,” Sirius asked suddenly, “you know when you came here the other day for your notebook and you had all those bruises and cuts on your face?” Remus’ eyes instantly shuttered, and he pursed his lips, withdrawing his hand from the instrument like he had been stung and angling his body away from Sirius.

“Yeah,” he replied flatly, his voice hard, “and? What about it?”

“Was it those men you said are always after you for your money since- you know? Is that… Are they the ones who did that to you?” Sirius fought down the irrational pang of anger that always came whenever he thought about Remus’ injuries. But he had to ask. He had to know.

Remus fidgeted for a moment with something silver, deftly slipping it into his pocket before Sirius could see what it was as he turned to face him fully. “Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t all of them, it was… their leader, I guess. Greyback.” He spat the name with more venom than Sirius thought Remus was capable of. “He gets pissed off, sometimes, when I do stuff outside of practicing piano all the time- because that’s the only thing that makes the money which pays him off.” His tone was bitter and his eyes had a hard, haunted look which Sirius absolutely hated. “Gryeback noticed I’d been doing stuff outside of just practicing all the time, like going to the club that night, and spending time with you. Only, he thought I was spending time with my flatmate, Alice, and absolutely flipped out on me.” He laughed bitterly. 

Sirius gingerly took his hand, stroking the pad of his thumb across his fingers in a show of wordless affection. “Sorry, Moony, I really shouldn’t have asked. You don’t have to-”

“No, it’s okay,” Remus interrupted, swallowing hard. “I’ve been keeping this from you for no good reason. I guess I’m scared, though, that they know where I live. Why were they there? And now that I’m staying here, with you, what are they going to do when they realise I’m gone? And what if they find out about you?” Remus raked a hand through his hair, biting his lip with worry.

“It’s okay,” Sirius soothed, squeezing his hand. “It will be fine. You never have to leave here, if you don’t want to. You’re safe here.”

Remus smiled weakly at Sirius, tightly gripping his hand in return. “Thank you,” he said softly; so quiet that Sirius couldn’t be sure he had even spoken.

“But I can’t believe they put you in the hospital,” Sirius mused quietly, more to himself than anything, recalling the time he had landed himself in hospital for his appendix and found Remus in the bed next to him.

“Oh,” Remus said, looking mildly surprised. “That one wasn’t actually them. It was for something- no big deal,” he mumbled, looking down. 

Sirius knew better than to believe him- anything that landed him in hospital absolutely had to be a big deal, because Sirius had the distinct impression that Remus liked to carry the world on his shoulders, and was the absolute last person he would expect to willingly show weakness. But Sirius didn’t want to push Remus any further. He was immensely grateful for all that Remus had just willingly shared, given his secretive nature. 

Remus sighed, gently resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder, and they sat like that for a while, finding comfort in each other’s presence. 

“Hey, would you teach me some guitar?” Remus asked suddenly a few moments later, looking up at Sirius hopefully.

Sirius grinned.

\---

An hour later, Remus had mastered about three different songs which had taken Sirius weeks to perfect, much to Sirius’ indignation.

“You’re just a musical prodigy,” Sirius decided grumpily as Remus deftly plucked away at the riff to ‘Here Comes the Sun’ by the Beatles.

“No, this doesn’t even count!” Remus exclaimed, interrupting his playing to wave his phone in Sirius’ face, where a screen with the tablature was open. “It doesn’t even tell you the note name, just the fret number! Anyone can do that, it’s not like it’s hard.”

“Shut up,” Sirius said, taking the instrument from Remus and tossing it onto the sheets as he pressed himself against the other boy, kissing him forcefully. The sight of Remus’ delicate, narrow fingers plucking at his guitar had done strange things to his body. 

“Okay, then,” Remus chuckled against his lips, sending vibrations through Sirius to the tips of his toes. “I guess I’ll play your guitar more in the future, if this is the reward. Noted.” 

After that, they didn’t speak for a long while.

\---

“Morning, sleepyheads,” James said innocently as they walked into the kitchen, waggling his eyebrows. “Up to unspeakable activities last night, then?” Remus blushed, busying himself with pouring a mug of coffee, and Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Yes, obviously. As a matter of fact, I’m quite certain that the force of our lovemaking rattled the very foundations of this house. Didn’t it, Moony?” Remus shot Sirius a glare, sipping his coffee through pursed lips. 

“Where’s Mary?” Sirius asked as he popped two slices of toast in the toaster, deciding to spare Remus from James’ well-meaning wrath. 

“Oh, she left for work about an hour ago,” James replied. “Not sure when Marlene’s coming back, though.” Sirius nodded, spreading jam on his slice and wordlessly asking Remus what he wanted on his slice, fixing him the same when he nodded.

“So,” James began, addressing Remus with a devilish grin. Oh, this couldn’t be good. “You find Sirius’ tattoo?” Sirius choked on his coffee. Remus most certainly had found the tattoo of a star on his lower back (he had got matching ones with Regulus), and Remus had done much more than just look at it. Despite himself, Sirius blushed. 

“A better question would be whether he’s seen mine,” Remus responded airily as he bit into his toast, referring to the moon tattoo on his ankle which Sirius had teased him mercilessly about when he first saw it the other night. Sirius’ eyes widened- this side of Remus was completely new to him. 

“I like this one,” James grinned, looking from Remus towards Sirius. “Please let’s keep him.”

“Oh, I plan on it,” Sirius said quietly, knocking his ankles against Remus’ under the table. 

—-

A few hours later, the three of them were stepping out of the house, planning to take the tube to the supermarket to do the grocery shop for the week. Remus and Sirius were walking beside James, holding hands and chatting with James about nonsense. 

“Sirius! You lied, you said you were on the football team too!” Remus exclaimed indignantly after James had expressed his disappointment that he would now have to go to training alone, seeing as Marlene's training took place at different times to his.

“I was just trying to psych you out so I could win at twister,” Sirius replied, laughing. “Besides, you believed me, didn’t you?”

“Sirius wishes he was as cool as me,” James decided, grinning when Sirius punched him in the arm with his free hand.

They turned the corner onto the street, only to run directly into Marlene, Luna, and…

“Lily!” James exclaimed, his eyes going straight to the redhead. “What brings you to these fine parts of this wonderful city?” He immediately straightened his back and rumpled his already messy hair, and Sirius would have laughed if his gaze hadn’t been pulled towards Marlene. She was eyeing Remus and Sirius’ joined hands with interest, where they stood frozen a step behind James. 

“Oh!” James said, realising what held Marlene’s gaze. He casually took Remus’ other hand, smiling at the others. “Why is it so stigmatised for guy friends to hold hands?” he asked nonchalantly, shaking his head in disdain. 

“Yeah,” Remus choked out, his back straight as a poker and his eyes determinedly fixed on a point directly above Marlene’s head.

Luna, however, looked straight at Sirius with a concerned expression, clearly not fooled by the theatrics they were going to such lengths to in order to respect Remus’ wishes.

“Um,” said Lily, clearly unsure how to proceed. “I just came to say thank you for getting me a new bag.” She held up the pristine red rucksack which James had asked Marlene to pass on to Lily the previous day. “That was really kind of you.” She cleared her throat awkwardly.

Sirius was surprised to note that James’ cheeks had gone red.

“I mean, I didn’t come here just for that,” Lily clarified. “I was on my way to the uni library- I need to pick up a textbook for exams- so I just thought I’d get off the tube with this lot for a cup of tea and to see if you were in so I could say thank you. Um. But, you still shouldn’t have defiled my bag in the first place.” Her tone was stern, but there was a hint of a smile on her face. 

James was smiling too, and he rubbed the back of his neck, his face still glowing.

“We’ll be on our way now.” Lily grabbed Marlene and Luna’s arms and marched them straight past the boys and around the corner, where James had pivoted on the spot to watch Lily’s retreating figure in wistful longing.

“Er, you can let go of my hand now,” Remus said to James, who dropped it immediately as if surprised to find himself still holding it.

“Sorry, mate,” he said earnestly, his face still red. “Come on then, let’s go before all the good tomatoes are gone.”

\---

A few hours later, Sirius and Remus were seated cross-legged on Sirius’ bed, Remus fidgeting distractedly with something in his pocket. He had been acting strange and distant all throughout the shopping trip, only giving one-word answers and looking around every few seconds like he thought he was being followed.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked tentatively, reaching out to grasp Remus’ hand in reassurance. “If it’s about the girls seeing us, you honestly don’t have to worry. I know you don’t want to tell people, but they would never-”

“No, it’s not about that,” Remus snapped, snatching his hand from beneath Sirius’ and staring stonily at the wall above his head. “Aren’t you even a little bit scared? I thought it would be okay, but out in that supermarket with you and James, all I could think was, ‘what if Greyback sees me here with Sirius and James?’ When will you get it into your head, I’m not scared for me, I’m scared for you! And I didn’t want anyone to know about us, not even the girls, because the less people that know, the less chance there is that he will hurt who I love to get to me!” 

Sirius was frozen, his brain fixated on one word Remus had said. ‘Love.’ He cleared his throat, wondering how to even begin to respond to that. 

“Moony, honestly, I’m not afraid-” he began, his voice hoarse, but Remus jumped to his feet, cutting him off.

“Leave it. I’m just going outside for a second; I need some air,” he mumbled, pushing the door open and vanishing beyond, leaving Sirius still seated on the bed, alone and bewildered.

Remus did not return that day. Or the next.

Or the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY OMG :(


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW Sirius is dealing with some v depressive thoughts in this one, mention of suicide and childhood trauma
> 
> please don't read if it might upset you! and as always, be kind to yourselves xx
> 
> song lyrics from 'my heart's not in it' by yo la tengo

I don't know just what my friends are telling you  
But if they say I'm doing fine, it's just not true  
I may run with the crowd and stay out late  
But baby let me set you straight

My heart's not in it, oh no  
My heart's not in it, oh no  
'Cause my heart still belongs to you, oh oh

\---

Sirius’ exams came and went in a numb, unfeeling blur. His lips were chapped from chewing them perpetually, and the dark shadows underneath his eyes only seemed to grow over time, his sleeping pattern absolutely destroyed. His friends were characteristically worried for him; but none more so than James, who, alone out of all of them, had known what Remus had meant to Sirius.

“Why did he leave?” Sirius asked James in the kitchen one day in early February, his voice breaking. “Why did he leave without saying goodbye?” 

James wordlessly pulled Sirius in for a hug, gripping him firmly. “I’m so sorry, Padfoot. I wish there was more I could do.” He looked worriedly in Sirius’ eyes, seeing the toll Remus’ absence was taking on him.

In truth, it was all Sirius could do to carry on as normal. He attended his lectures at University along with James, somehow having managed to pass his exams in Remus’ absence, but in all other matters, he was uninterested- he went like a zombie from day to day, lifelessly acting out the motions of his everyday life.

And despite it all, Sirius could not help but remember what Remus had said- in a roundabout way- right before he had left. But you didn’t leave someone you loved, did you?

The only slight break to the monotony had been a text from Remus about a week after he had disappeared, in all caps:

‘WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER???! i swear, i will fucking end you if you’ve hurt her, you psychotic motherfucker. what the hell is wrong with you??!!’

About five seconds later, another text had pinged through:

‘sorry. wrong person’

Who was the ‘she’ he was referring to? Sirius hadn’t replied, figuring that if Remus had wanted to contact him, he would have, especially now that he knew Remus was okay; and it had now been weeks since that text, radio silence between them.

But what did it mean, that despite all the pain Remus had caused him by leaving, he felt such immense relief in knowing that he was okay- if only briefly, in that moment?

Sirius often found himself thinking back to that text, wondering what was happening in Remus’ life to bring him to send such a message- he had typed out a response multiple times, expressing his concern and asking if there was anything he could do to help, but had deleted them all within seconds of typing them. Remus wanted nothing more to do with Sirius; that much was clear.

Sirius had, instead, taken to reading and rereading the book Remus had left him; ‘The Song of Achilles.’ It was a tragic love story between Patroclus and the Greek hero Achilles, and Sirius found himself obsessing over certain quotes. ‘“He is half of my soul, as the poets say.”’

More strikingly, according to Sirius, was a quick sketch at the very back of the book which had obviously been done with Remus’ hand. It was done in pencil, as though he hated to defile a book; a stunning depiction of Patroclus and Achilles laughing together, their eyes shining with so much love that Sirius had to look away. It reminded him so much of the other drawing Remus had done of those two men on the bench, in love, and each time he looked at it a painful lump swelled in his throat.

Another quote in the book, however, had stuck with him much more strongly, contributing to the never-ending well of despair within him, which, no matter how hard he tried, he could not seem to find a way out of.

“James?” Sirius said now, as they sat at the kitchen table, watching Parks and Rec on James’ laptop over their breakfast.

“Hmm?” James replied, tearing his gaze from the screen to look at Sirius with concern.

“I really, really miss him,” Sirius said, unconsciously reaching up to press on his chest right above his heart as though he could somehow stop this pain that was threatening to cleave it in two. 

“Oh, Pads.” James paused the episode, his face positively radiating sympathy. “I know, it was a really fucking awful thing he did, leaving you like that.”

“No, not him,” Sirius said. Though, yes. Him too. “‘And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone,’” Sirius said quietly, quoting the passage from Remus’ book which he hadn’t been able to get out of his head, which he had read and reread so many times that the spine was permanently creased at that page. “I miss Reg,” Sirius said, taking a shuddering breath as the tears which he had not allowed to fall since Remus had finally left finally found their way out.

\---

Since then, Sirius had been doing a lot better. He figured that James must have told the others to look out for him, for he was never alone; whether it was Luna and Marlene offering to accompany him on a study session in the library, or Mary challenging him to a game of chess, or simply James’ comforting, ever-watchful presence, he never went too long alone before he was distracted from his own thoughts by his friends’ welcome intrusion. 

Apparently, Lily had drunk dialled James on Valentine’s day the week before, and James refused to talk about anything else.

“She loves me!” he would proclaim loudly to anyone unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity, conveniently forgetting how she hadn’t contacted him since then- but that, apparently, was only a minor detail. “She was thinking about me on Valentine’s day. Of course she is harbouring secret romantic feelings for me! I knew all along,” he would continue smugly, much to his friends’ exasperation.

Everything, it seemed, was finally all right.

Until a day in early March, when Remus Lupin turned up on his doorstep.

\---

Sirius stood there, looking like he had seen a ghost. “What are you doing here?” he asked numbly, his brain so overwhelmed that he didn’t even notice James appear right behind his shoulder. 

After so long without seeing him, the mere sight of him was like a drug to Sirius’ eyes; he was dressed in cuffed jeans and his trademark corduroy jacket, his curly hair longer than it had been last. His eyes, however, were shadowed with exhaustion, and, even more surprisingly, were shining with genuine, sincere apology.

“Sirius, I-” Remus began, but James held up a hand, looking murderous.

“You dare show up here after leaving with no explanation?” James thundered. “Don’t you have any idea what leaving like that did to him?”

“I know, and I’m so sorry-” Remus began desperately, but James shook his head. 

“You don’t get to apologise like that. You don’t know what it was like. How could you, when you weren’t here? But it’s not my decision whether Sirius chooses to accept your apology. That’s between you and him.” James turned on his heel and went back inside, the rims of his glasses flashing.

“Can I come in?” Remus asked hesitantly, turning his desperate eyes onto Sirius. Sirius shook his head, ignoring the pang of hurt that briefly showed on Remus’ face. 

“No, let’s go for a walk,” Sirius said numbly, stepping out onto the doorstep and shutting the door behind him as Remus exhaled with something that sounded a lot like relief. 

They walked in silence to Ravenscourt Park, Remus shooting him a glance every few minutes with an expression Sirius could not decipher. After so long working through his feelings for Remus, he felt numb and emotionless, like there was a yawning chasm deep inside him where his emotions were supposed to be.

“Say something!” Remus finally pleaded as they walked across the park, grabbing Sirius’ sleeve and yanking him to a halt. 

The chasm inside him filled with anger in such a dizzying rush that Sirius’ vision flashed red.

“Say something?” he exploded. “You left me! You left me, and you didn’t even tell me why, you didn’t say goodbye, you didn’t even have the fucking courage to at least call me! And you know the worst fucking part of it all? I was worried about you!” he spat. “You run off like some cowardly… coward, and all I could think was ‘I really hope Moony’s okay.’” His eyes were shining with tears of anger. Remus stood there stoically, taking Sirius’ outburst without even flinching; and for some reason, his silence only added fuel to Sirius’ anger. 

“And then,” Sirius added, his voice rising with hysteria, “you show up here after nearly two months and you have the nerve to say that you’re sorry? I mean, who the fuck do you think you are? How could you do that to me?”

Remus nodded silently, leading them to the nearest bench and sitting them both down.

“Listen, you need to let me explain,” he said desperately, his green eyes filled with apology. “You don’t understand-”

“Oh, I don’t understand?” Sirius cut in sarcastically. “Well, please, enlighten me!”

“That’s what I’m trying to do!” Remus said impatiently. “That day I left, I did honestly go outside to get some air, and then I was going to come right back! I would never have just left you like that.”

“But you did,” Sirius mumbled, sounding for all the world like a petulant child.

“I did,” Remus agreed, nodding, “but not because of you. When I was out there, I got a call from Greyback. He said that he had Alice and that if I didn’t come back from wherever I was hiding, then he’d hurt her.” He looked at Sirius urgently. “Don’t you see? I had to leave!” 

Sirius frowned. “Wait… Alice? Who-”

“Remember? The girl who lives across the hall from me, who’s been missing for ages!” Remus cut in impatiently. “Greyback had her all along, and I thought for sure that she had to be okay because if anything bad had happened then I would have seen Frank- her boyfriend- banging down her door or something, but obviously Greyback had her phone and he made her send a message to Frank saying she wanted to break up with him, and that he was under no circumstances to come over.” Remus said this all very fast.

Sirius clenched his fist. He was half caught between sympathy and worry for this Alice person, and half consumed with blistering anger. “But why didn’t you just tell me?” he burst out. “I could have come with you, it wasn’t safe for you to go on your own! You could have at least told me, you didn’t have to completely blank me, you could have just said what was going on! And Alice, how is she?” he added despite himself. “Is she okay? I mean, it’s been ages since then, right, and if she wasn’t okay, you wouldn’t be here now, right?” 

Remus nodded. “Yeah, it’s actually a long story,” he said in a weary sort of voice, leaning back on the bench and rubbing his eyes. It struck Sirius for the second time that day how absolutely exhausted and worn-out Remus looked. “And I didn’t tell you because- okay, you know what, let me start at the beginning.” He took a deep, steadying breath.

“Okay, so. I was thirteen when Lyall- my dad- killed himself. He worked in law, and turns out he badly botched a case and got himself deep in debt to Greyback as compensation. But he didn’t have any money at all, and I guess that’s why he did what he did. He didn’t have any hope. ” Sirius ignored the sucker-punch to his gut those words caused, as his mind immediately went to Regulus. The thought of his baby brother having no hope and being driven to do what he did as a result of that made him feel physically sick. “I was fine, though. I mean, I was on my own, but I was fine.” Sirius knew exactly what that was like- he swallowed hard, thinking of a caravan by the sea. 

“Anyway,” Remus continued, “Greyback and his friends found me then, and told me they’d be back when I was eighteen and they expected me to fulfil Lyall’s debts. But I was so young, I had no clue they would actually be back for me. If I had known, I would have tried to run then.” He choked out a bitter laugh.

“The rest, you know, I guess. I’ve been working evenings in concert to make money which goes straight to Greyback. It barely scrapes the surface, though, and Greyback was getting impatient. He thought I was dating Alice, which he assumed was where I disappeared off to when I was with you, and he got really pissed off that I would do anything other than trying to pay off ‘my’ debts. Though, of course, I had no clue that he knew where I lived- if I had, maybe things would have been different. He took Alice to some house all the way up in Liverpool and trapped her there- I mean, he treated her okay, if you consider being imprisoned okay, but he said that if she tried to contact anyone or alert the police then he would kill not just her, but Frank as well.”

Sirius digested this information with mounting horror.

“Anyway, he called me that day I left and said that he had her, and that if I didn’t get him enough of his money by the end of the month then he actually would kill her.” Remus’ eyes fluttered closed, the pale green webs of his veins showing up starkly against his pale eyelids. “I told him that she wasn’t my girlfriend, and that she was just unlucky enough to live next to me, but he was having none of it. He wouldn’t tell me where she was and he refused to let her go, unless I came to him with the money.”

“Remus!” Sirius burst out, aghast. “Why the actual fuck didn’t you ask for my help? I’ve told you that my family is absolutely swimming in money, and I wasn’t gonna accept my inheritance but I would have done it for you! You clearly need it, why don’t you take it?” he pleaded, all anger forgotten. He felt immensely guilty that he had been moping about Remus leaving him, in a safe, warm house with food and friends while Remus had been going through all this on his own.

Remus shook his head. “Don’t you see? If I had just gone to him with all the money out of the blue, he’d have asked where I got it from and then he’d inevitably have found out about you! And he absolutely can never find out about you,” Remus added firmly. “I had to get the money the right way. He would have used you to make me pay him interest on everything I owe him or something stupid like that.”

Sirius frowned, not truly accepting it as an explanation but willing to let it go for the time being so that Remus could explain further.

“Oh, and, I didn’t text you or contact you because I knew I had to get to Alice, and Greyback would inevitably be there, and I couldn’t risk him finding anything on my phone that could be traced back to you. You have no idea what he’s like. The day I accidentally messaged you instead of him, I deleted your contact, everything. I couldn’t have gotten in touch with you if I’d wanted to. And I was scared that if I actually told you the truth then you’d try and find me regardless.”

Sirius swallowed hard, nodding. Remus hadn’t contacted him for Sirius’ safety. Of course- he should have known, stupid noble hero that he was.

“Anyway,” Remus continued, “I had to get enough money so that Greyback would tell me where Alice was- I sold my apartment,” he added, ignoring the look of shock that crossed Sirius’ face. “Once I finally got the money, Greyback gave me the address in Liverpool where he was holding Alice hostage and I went there with the money and he released her,” Remus finished simply.

“Fucking hell,” Sirius breathed. “Where are you living now, though, if you’ve sold your apartment? And Alice- I mean, why doesn’t she go to the police, now that she’s free?”

“You don’t understand!” Remus said impatiently, “Greyback has contacts all over the country, and if anything happened to him, one of them would just get revenge instead! And he knows about Frank, and she’s scared for him as well as herself. It’s not worth it. And,” he added, clearing his throat, “technically I’m supposed to be living with Greyback, now he knows I got the money from selling the apartment and have nowhere to live. He’s pretty pissed off about it, but he likes the idea of having me under his nose so he can see what I get up to.” Remus grimaced. 

“No!” Sirius shouted abruptly, getting to his feet. “Absolutely not! He’s a monster, you absolutely can’t live with that fucking creep!”

Remus sighed. “Sirius, you don’t understand, I don’t have a choice.”

“Stop saying I don’t understand!” Sirius retorted angrily. “I do understand, and there’s no way you can live with him! There’s no way I can live with knowing that you’re living with him,” he corrected.

“Well, what can I do, then?” Remus asked, his eyes flashing as he stood as well so that they were eye level. “If I come and stay by you, he’ll want to know where I am, and he’ll find out soon enough. Don’t you see? He always finds out. And I can’t put you in danger like that. I’ve put you in enough danger as it is.”

“Moony,” Sirius said desperately, “listen. You are staying with me, okay? I don’t wanna hear it. We’ll work everything out as we go along, I promise, but you can’t go back to him! You can’t.”

“Sirius, I-” Remus began, but Sirius cut him off. 

“Why do you always have to play the hero?” he said, a hint of exasperation creeping into his tone. “‘Name one hero who was happy.’” 

Remus’ face softened, and he gazed at Sirius with something like wonder. Something like love.

“You read the book,” he stated softly, his eyes gleaming.

“Uh, yeah, of course I did.”

Without hesitation, Remus kissed Sirius right there in the open in the middle of the empty park, and it was like the past few months had never happened- it was like maybe, just maybe, everything could be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but the sexual tension between me and turning this fic this into a murder mystery...  
> probs not gonna do it tho. hmm. we shall see
> 
> let me know your thoughts in the comments! xd


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW epilepsy

“It’s fine, Sirius,” Remus said exasperatedly as they rounded the corner to his house. “What, you really think Greyback would have let me walk away without a scratch?”

“Moony, you idiot, we’re going to the doctor’s, you can hardly bloody walk! Come on.” He grabbed Remus by the arm and attempted to steer him around, but he was stronger than his slender frame suggested.

“Sirius! I’m fine, I’ve had much worse than this!” Remus said as he impatiently shook off Sirius’ grip, gesturing to his leg and the ankle in question which he was avoiding putting too much weight on. His noticeable limp caused Sirius’ throat to physically ache; it was taking all his self restraint to not just hunt down Greyback and end him there and then. “I’m just lucky he didn’t go for my face this time.”

“How can you talk so casually about this?” Sirius burst out, enraged. “That creep physically assaulted you, not to mention all the other stuff- I mean, making you pay off your dad’s debts? That’s not even legal!” Sirius shouted. “And now, look at your ankle! This isn’t fair, Moony, please, please let’s just go to the hospital. Or the police. Please”

Remus shook his head calmly. “I’ve already told you why we can’t go to the police- Greyback has men everywhere, and someone’s gonna end up hurt if they find out we snitched. And I don’t need the hospital,” he insisted firmly. 

“But why would he even do this to you in the first place?” Sirius asked desperately. “Why?”

Remus gave Sirius a wry smile. “Can’t run too far with a dodgy ankle, now, can I?”

In that moment, Sirius swore he would do anything, absolutely anything to end this problem for Remus once and for all; if had to go to the ends of the Earth and back, he would do it. If he had to tear Greyback limb from limb? He would do it.

\---

“I can’t believe you didn’t fucking tell me!” Sirius exclaimed in exasperation. Remus had finally relented and agreed to spend at least one night at Sirius’ and they were currently sat in the living room while James, Marlene and Mary played a very competitive-looking game of Mario Kart on their wii, Luna observing interestedly.

“Tell him what?” James glanced over to Remus, swearing viciously when his character- Princess Peach- was immediately hit by a blue shell. “Fucking hell, Marlene, I was gonna win!” Marlene laughed and jabbed him gloatingly in the ribs with her wii remote.

“Sirius is mad,” Remus began in a very self-sacrificing tone of voice, “because I didn’t tell him today was my birthday.” He had accidentally let it slip on the walk over to Sirius’ house, and the mournful way in which he now said it, Sirius rather thought he may as well have been declaring his funeral. 

James’ face remained stony- he was still angry with Remus for leaving, even though Sirius knew it wouldn’t last long. Mary, however, shrieked, turning to face Remus with a disbelieving expression in her eyes. “It’s your birthday?” she exclaimed. Mary loved birthdays. “Remus! You just can’t expect us to gloss over something like this! Sirius is absolutely right, we have to celebrate.”

A fearful look crossed Remus’ face. “No, honestly, please! I really, really hate birthdays, and you guys have only known me a few months anyway…” he trailed off, shooting a pleading look in Sirius’ direction.

Sirius chuckled under his breath. “Let me take you to the hospital so they can sort out your ankle,” he muttered quietly, so only Remus could hear, “and then I’ll think of something to get you out of this.”

“You bastard,” Remus hissed back, shoving Sirius none too gently in the ribs. “Fine,” he added louder, “but nothing too big. Please,” he added, seeing the smirk on Sirius’ face.

Mary cackled gleefully, clapping her hands together like a small child presented with balloons.

“Don’t worry, Remus,” she said, her eyes glowing, “how do you feel about a small night out at The Three Broomsticks, if you only want something small? Oh- that’s our local pub,” she added at the quizzical expression on Remus’ face. 

“Yeah, fine,” Remus said, sighing. “If you have to.”

“Hey,” James said sharply, “Mary’s trying to do a nice thing for you and this is how you’re reacting?” 

“James!” exclaimed Sirius, scandalised, as Remus physically shrunk into Sirius’ side. His warmth pressed against him and Sirius was suddenly struck with the overwhelming urge to protect Remus from James. James… his best friend. Which was ridiculous.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Luna observed airily, frowning slightly at James.

“Yeah, it wasn’t,” Sirius added, glaring daggers at James.

“I’m sorry, Moony,” James said stiffly, his gaze fixed on a point somewhere above Remus’ head, “but I guess if Sirius forgives you, then so do I.” He looked Remus in the eyes then, shooting him a small uncertain smile, some of the ice visibly melting. 

“S’all good,” Remus mumbled, the back of his hand brushing against Sirius’ as if for reassurance.

Sirius released a breath from between his clenched teeth. “Well come on then,” he began, “if we wanna go Three Broomsticks we better set off before it gets too late.”

***

The pub was warm and homely; the countertop of the bar gleamed and buzzing chatter from the many visitors surrounded them, giving a pleasant impression of cleanliness and warmth.

“Listen, I’m really sorry,” Remus said quietly into Sirius’ ear as they took their seats in one of the booths under a window. “I really didn’t mean to be rude back there, James was right. I should apologise to Mary, I know she-”

“No.” Sirius cut him off firmly. “It wasn’t rude at all. James was just being ridiculous and overprotective. He’s already back to normal, look.” 

And sure enough, James grinned at Remus as he arrived back from the bar laden with drinks, passing him a large blue cocktail with a mini umbrella sticking out of the top. “For the birthday boy,” James winked.

“Uh- what is this?” Remus asked, his tone uncertain.

Mary laughed. “Honestly, it’s not poison! Though actually, after that drink James made me for my last birthday, you never know.”

Sirius drowned out the squabbling that promptly ensued, instead turning to Remus and clinking his beer against the fancy cocktail. “Happy birthday, Remus,” he murmured, under his breath. Just for him. 

“Thank you, Sirius,” Remus breathed back just as softly, and the sound of Sirius’ name in his mouth made a shudder run up the length of his spine.

And his green eyes… Sirius could get lost staring into them.

“Sorry, but you’re selling what?” James’ voice pulled Sirius and Remus abruptly out of their trance and they jerked apart, Sirius distinctly aware of Remus’ wishes not to tell the others about them. Yet. 

“It’s honestly not a big deal.” Luna waved a hand dismissively as she took a dainty sip from her mug of pink herbal tea.

“Yes it is!” James insisted. 

“No, it’s really not,” Marlene said firmly in clear defence of her girlfriend, though there was a small smile playing about her lips.

“Sorry, but will someone tell me what the fuck you’re on about?” Sirius said impatiently. 

“Oh, maybe you’d have heard what was going on if you weren’t too busy staring into- aargh!” He cut of in a choked gargle as Sirius kicked him sharply in the shins under the table. James coughed, frantically trying to amend his mistake. “Staring into my eyes. It’s common knowledge you’re in love with me,” he added theatrically, “but like I’ve said to you many times before, even if I did fancy men, my heart belongs to another. She has the name of a flower and lips like dew-kissed roses and hair like the richest of wine…” James trailed off, staring dreamily into space in what was clearly no longer an act. 

“Bleugh.” Sirius fake gagged, only turning to be met with Luna affectionately beginning to braid Marlene’s hair, who was grinning up at Luna with such blatant affection in her eyes that Sirius’ heart physically pained him, for some reason.

“Tell me about it,” Mary said conspiratorially as she noticed the direction of Sirius’ gaze, leaning towards him. “Couples everywhere, am I right?” Sirius couldn’t be sure, but her eyes darted quickly to Remus and she seemed to wink at them smugly. But it happened too fast for Sirius to tell. 

“So, uh, what’s Luna selling, then?” Remus asked, the only tell of his discomfort the slightly reddened tips of his ears. 

“Oh!” James jerked out of his reverie, smirking. “Looks like Luna is running an illegal animal smuggling business.”

“It’s not illegal!” Luna exclaimed suddenly, dropping Marlene’s hair and turning to face the others, her eyes flashing with uncharacteristic anger. “What _they’re _doing is illegal! There’s this sick company that sells live animals like pigs and chickens and lobsters for people who want to physically kill their food- like hunting, which is also terrible, but without a single chance of survival for the poor animals! So, I buy them and and selling them on to farms and stuff as pets.” Sirius couldn’t help but admire the passion in her eyes.__

__“Uh, but, Luna,” Remus began tentatively, “in the farms you sell them to… don’t they eventually… you know?” He mimed slashing his throat, his eyes wide and apologetic._ _

__“Yes, but at least they get to live out the rest of their lives on a farm, in nature, where they’re supposed to be! Or maybe… Actually, what if I released them all into nature, on their own? So they can live as they were meant to- free? Or maybe….” she trailed off, deep in thought._ _

__“Yeah, you haven’t been round to their backyard yet, have you?” Marlene added dryly to the others, jerking her head towards Luna. “Trust me, Lily’s absolutely sick of the animals coming and going all the time- and that’s not to mention the smell. I am too,” she added in a stage-whisper, smoothing away Luna’s immediate slight frown of disapproval with a soft kiss._ _

__“Another drink, then, lads?” James asked suddenly, setting down his empty glass. “Come on, Mary, help me carry them.” Sirius nodded, turning to Remus and was surprised to see his glass empty, his cheeks glowing rosy colour and his eyes sparkling with intoxication._ _

__“You got the last round, Prongs, this one’s on me,” Sirius said distractedly, suddenly finding himself quite unable to pull his eyes from Remus’ radiant face; it was as if the shadow which always seemed to hang over him had finally disappeared. Even if only temporarily._ _

__“Yeah, as if you could leave lover boy,” James teased quietly, getting to his feet and clapping both Sirius and Remus on the shoulders. “Don’t worry, my treat,” he insisted firmly, cutting off Sirius’ protest as he made his way to the bar, Mary in tow._ _

__“I’m so, so sorry,” Remus said suddenly in a low voice, so close to Sirius’ ear that he could feel Remus’ warm breath tickling his neck pleasantly._ _

__“What are you talking about?” Sirius frowned. “If this is about the James thing, he’s fine now, look!” He gestured towards James’ cheerful figure leaning against the bar, chatting in a carefree manner to the curvy barkeep, Madame Rosmerta . “And besides, you know Mary didn’t-”_ _

__“No,” Remus interrupted, his eyes staring seriously into Sirius’. “I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for leaving _you _.___ _

____Sirius swallowed hard._ _ _ _

____“Oh, Moony, you know I understand why you had to go! You were only trying to protect everyone, and as much as I hate that you would even try and do that, it’s just who you are. It’s okay.”_ _ _ _

____“But still,” Remus continued, a pained expression now accompanying his free-flowing words, “I left. My reasons don’t matter; they don’t change the fact that I left. I’m so, sorry.”_ _ _ _

____“No, Remus, I’ve told you, you don’t-”_ _ _ _

____“I missed you,” Remus said determinedly in an undertone, his voice hard. “I miss you when we aren’t together. Maybe that’s weird after only, what is it, a few months, but…”_ _ _ _

____“No,” Sirius said gently, taking his hand discreetly under the table. “I do too.”_ _ _ _

____His heart was leaping; he had never thought that Remus could actually return a fraction of the feeling he felt; it had always seemed too good to be true. Remus’ hand felt small and fragile in Sirius’, and for the second time that day, Sirius realised that he would do anything to keep Remus safe._ _ _ _

____Their warm moment was interrupted by James and Mary’s return with a large tray of drinks, also breaking Luna and Marlene away from each other from where they were giggling at something on Marlene’s phone._ _ _ _

____“Come on, mate, budge up!” James said, sliding next to Sirius in their crowded booth and setting down the drinks none too gently, so that frothy liquid spilled over the sides._ _ _ _

____Sirius reluctantly let go of Remus’ hand._ _ _ _

____The rest of the evening passed in a colourful, warm blur of joy and laughter- drinks were flowing freely, and Sirius was really enjoying this new, carefree version of Remus. He laughed without prompt, his sparkling humour on display, and at one point he even leant his head against Sirius’ shoulder, overwhelming Sirius’ senses with Remus’ scent. Luckily, the rest of the group were too drunk themselves to seem to notice anything out of the ordinary with that._ _ _ _

***

____It was almost midnight when Sirius first noticed something was wrong._ _ _ _

____Remus had fallen silent, an anxious, unsettled look on his face, and he was absently massaging his stomach as if in pain._ _ _ _

____“Are you okay?” Sirius asked him quietly._ _ _ _

____Remus turned to look at Sirius, and he was alarmed to see a strange sort of panicked expression on the other boy’s face._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, um, I’m just going outside to get some fresh air,” Remus mumbled, standing abruptly and sliding past Sirius and James in the booth._ _ _ _

____“I’ll come as well,” Sirius said, getting to his feet, but Remus shook his head vigorously._ _ _ _

____“No, no,” Remus said quickly, wringing his hands, his eyes wide and fearful._ _ _ _

____“Remus, whatever it is, I can help you!” Sirius said desperately, but Remus had already disappeared out into the night, the doors of the pub slamming behind him with a heavy sort of finality._ _ _ _

____“Y’all right, mate?” James asked, slurring his words, his eyes not quite focusing properly on Sirius._ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” Sirius replied distractedly, “all good. Listen, I’m gonna make sure Moony’s okay.”_ _ _ _

____James nodded dopily, clearly not taking in a single word Sirius was saying as he squeezed past James and out of the pub, the cool night air hitting his face._ _ _ _

____And what he saw made his heart stop dead in his chest._ _ _ _

____Remus was lying in a shaded nook in the wall of the pub, his limbs shaking and jerking uncontrollably. Sirius had only noticed him there because of the low, keening sound he was making, as if it were being torn from his throat without his consent._ _ _ _

____“Remus!” Sirius screamed, rushing closer. In a distant part of his brain, it registered that Remus’ lips were blue- surely that was bad? His eyes were closed and he didn’t look conscious. Sirius thought that he knew what terror felt like- what pure, undiluted _panic _felt like, but he had been wrong. _This _was what it felt like._____ _ _ _

________Remus’ head was lying on his sweater, as if he had taken it off and placed it there- as if he had known this was going to happen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________What he needed was- “Marlene!” Sirius yelled desperately, barging back inside and seeking out his friend- she would know what to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Sirius?” Marlene asked quizzically, her gaze rising to where he was standing at the door, trembling in every limb. The noise and senseless chatter of the pub continued around them, and Sirius wished that it would _stop _, that it would all just _stop. _“What’s-”_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“There’s no time!” he practically shouted. “Come!” And without turning to see if she had followed, he ran back to where he knew Remus was lying in the cold, on his own, convulsing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Oh,” Marlene breathed, her eyes sharpening as she took in the sight of Remus on the floor, and she rushed over to him, kneeling before him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Sirius,” she began sharply, “has he ever mentioned epilepsy? Or seizures? Anything?” She turned to look at Sirius with a focused, determined sort of expression on her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No… what should he have? I mean, is this…” Sirius trailed off desperately, his eyes fixed on Remus’ face as Marlene leant over him, seeming to check if he was breathing. “Marlene!” Sirius said, and he was surprised to feel tears forming in his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How long has it been?” Marlene asked, cutting him off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Um, I don’t know!” Sirius’ voice was loud even in his own ears. “About a minute? I don’t-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It’s fine,” Marlene said with a sigh, sitting back on her haunches and allowing Sirius a view of Remus lying motionless on the floor; thankfully, his lips were starting to return to their usual colour, but he still seemed to be out cold. At least his seizure- or whatever that was- had stopped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Do I- I mean, should we call an ambulance, or something?” Sirius asked, his voice coming out choked and sounding distinctly unlike his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No, I think it’s okay now that he’s stopped seizing- unless he may have hit his head…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“But I don’t think he did. If he left to come outside like this on his own, he must have known it was going to happen and laid down before it hit. And besides, look at where he put his sweater.” She gestured to the sweater balled up beneath his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“But what if it had lasted longer?” Sirius said, the tears finally overflowing in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks. “What if- I mean, why didn’t he want me-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It’s fine, now, Sirius,” Marlene soothed, her gaze still fixed analytically on Remus. “He’s coming round now, actually, look.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Indeed, Remus was stirring. Sirius knelt down hurriedly next to Marlene, peering down into Remus face as his eyes opened, squinting. He blinked owlishly, his gaze meeting Sirius’ and he had the nerve to actually look sheepish._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Sorry,” he croaked, and Sirius had never wanted to hit him more than he did in that moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Don’t be silly,” Marlene interrupted in a business-like sort of voice, “but don’t think that you and I won’t be having words. Coming outside to be on your own during something like this? What the actual _fuck_ were you thinking, Remus.” She shook her head angrily. “But can you walk? You need to rest, and if you can’t walk, I’m gonna have to call an ambulance for you-”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No, I can walk,” Remus interrupted hurriedly, sitting up stiffly and wincing as though his entire body hurt. His gaze flickered upwards to where James, Luna and Mary were hurrying out of the pub, rushing towards them. “At least I didn’t fucking piss myself this time,” he added drily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Sirius let out a choked sort of laugh. “You bastard,” he said sincerely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________And Remus, despite his obvious pain and exhaustion, gave Sirius a small, tired smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know if anything I have written is inaccurate/ I should change anything 
> 
> Xx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics from Dionysus by the Buttertones  
> I am in love with this song

Where you going?  
Don't go no no no no  
Please stay

And help the cause  
Bring me my robe with your sweet talk  
Summer is here  
And my request is quite clear  
You've been on my mind all year  
So don't go

Cause you were right all along  
I'm drunk

***

Remus slept for the entirety of the following day. 

He had managed the short walk back from the pub by leaning heavily on Sirius and James, but the second he had entered Sirius’ room he had collapsed on the bed, falling almost instantly into a deep slumber.

Sirius didn’t mind- he spent the day sat worriedly in the living room with the others, Marlene periodically checking on Remus to make sure he was okay. 

If Sirius was being totally honest, he wasn’t even sure how he should feel. He was, first and foremost, worried; he could not get the image of Remus seizing out of his mind, completely alone outside the pub and without anyone who knew about his condition who would know what to do if it came down to it. But there was another part of Sirius that was angry; angry that Remus would go off on his own and face potential medical complications, entirely alone. He wasn’t mad that Remus hadn’t told him- no, that was completely up to him- but to go off on his _own_ when he knew what could happen? Sirius wasn’t just angry; he was livid. How could he treat his life so carelessly?

The sun had already set by the time Remus finally emerged from Sirius’ bedroom, dark smudges under his eyes and wincing as though every move caused him physical pain.

“Hey,” he said, his voice croaky, his eyes landing immediately on Sirius.

“Hi,” Sirius said softly, Marlene rushing immediately to Remus’ side. He allowed her to fuss over him, his eyes never breaking contact with Sirius’.

Remus’ normally bouncy, dark blond curls now lay dull and lifeless, and his skin was a worrying shade of pale grey. He had a fat lip where he must have bitten it the previous night, and his normally impeccable pianist’s posture was now slumped with exhaustion.

“Listen, mate,” James said in concern, going over to where Remus was standing with Marlene and peering at him worriedly, “I’m so sorry about being a dick to you yesterday, it was bang out of order. And you know that whole thing about me poisoning your drink, it was a joke, right? I was just having a laugh.”

Remus laughed suddenly, the sound just as lively as it ever had been. “I know, James, don’t worry.” He patted James consolingly on the shoulder, who looked slightly mollified and yet relieved at the same time. 

“You wanna join us?” Mary piped up, indicating the space on the sofa between her and Sirius.

“Um, actually,” Remus began nervously, “I was just wondering if I could have a word with Sirius?”

Sirius immediately sprang to his feet. “Yeah, absolutely,” he said, following Remus back into his bedroom and ignoring the worried stare of James boring a hole into his back. 

“So,” Remus began nervously as Sirius shut the door behind them, “I know you’re wondering why I didn’t tell you. Um… about my epilepsy.” He frowned as he said it, as though the word tasted bad in his mouth.

Sirius watched as Remus sat on the bed, seeming to let out a small exhalation of relief as he did, worrying his lip between his teeth. 

“Well? Say something,” Remus prompted, his eyes wide.

“No, I’m… I genuinely don’t mind that you didn’t tell me. I mean, I understand. That was your decision. But, Moony? You knew you were gonna have a seizure, didn’t you, that’s why you were acting so weird?”

Remus nodded.

“Well then why the fuck did you go off on your own?” The words exploded out of him with the force of a bomb, and he hadn’t even realised how angry he was until that moment. 

“Please don’t shout,” Remus said wearily, massaging his temples and flinching at his outburst. All the anger rushed out of Sirius at the sight, and he sat heavily on the bed next to Remus, taking care not to jostle him too much with the motion. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said softly. “It’s just- don’t you see that I care about you, Remus? And what if something had happened- what if it had gone wrong?”

“Nothing was gonna go wrong,” Remus said, leaning back against the pillows and closing his eyes as if he were exhausted. The dim lighting of Sirius’ room illuminated his pale skin and made the shadows under his eyes stand out in stark contrast. “I mean, I haven’t had one this bad in ages, but I guess all the stress from all the shit with Greyback caused it. I guess it was a bit overdue.” Remus laughed flatly, though Sirius could not find a single thing amusing about the situation.

“Wait…” Sirius said, realisation dawning upon him. “Is your epilepsy why you were in the hospital the same time as me? Back when we first met?”

Remus nodded, chuckling slightly. “I’m surprised it took you until now to realise.” 

Sirius frowned. “Does this- I mean, I know you said you haven’t had a seizure in a while, but did it used to happen often? And do you know what causes them?”

“Um… they started when I was really little,” Remus said, opening his eyes to gauge Sirius’ reaction. “And different people have different triggers. They never really found any specific triggers for me- oh, stress is one, I suppose. And, uh, I guess it probably wasn’t such a good idea for me to have drank so much yesterday. Alcohol sometimes makes it worse.”

“Why did you drink, then?” Sirius asked indignantly, feeling instantly guilty when Remus winced, his hand flying to his temple. 

“I just wanted to be normal,” Remus mumbled, sighing as he closed his eyes again. “It was my birthday. Why shouldn’t I drink?”

“Moony,” Sirius said softly, gently placing his hand over Remus’. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was okay; if he would still be physically sensitive the day after a seizure. Remus, however, instantly relaxed at Sirius’ touch, the frown at his brow soothing away. “You are normal, okay?” Sirius said insistently. 

“Sure,” Remus said bitterly. 

“Are you okay, though? I mean, isn’t there anything I can do?” Sirius asked. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just a bit sore and got a killer headache. But honestly, it’s nothing that a bit of paracetamol won’t sort out- Marlene fixed me up,” he added, gesturing to a blister pack of tablets on Sirius’ nightstand.

“Good,” Sirius said, nodding. “I’ll leave you to rest, then.” He made to slip off the bed and leave Remus to recover in peace, but Remus’ slender hand tightened around Sirius’ before he could make a move. 

“Actually,” Remus began hesitantly, “there is something you could do. If you’d like? Could you play some guitar?” He looked nervous, as though genuinely afraid that Sirius might refuse. 

“Yeah. Of course.” Sirius grinned, glad that there was something he could do. Retrieving his guitar from the other corner of the room, he settled on the very end of the bed and smiled as Remus settled himself under the covers, looking so cosy in his layers of sweaters and blankets that Sirius was half tempted to climb in himself.

“Any requests?” Sirius asked.

“Anything,” Remus said drowsily, his eyes already becoming heavy-lidded with sleep.

Sirius began to play the riff at the beginning of Across the Universe, softly singing along when the chords started. When he had first nicked his first guitar when he was living in his caravan in Brighton, this was the first song he had learnt. Before he had discovered ABBA, the Beatles had been his favourite, and this was still the song he played whenever he wanted to relax- he figured Remus could do with a bit of that, right now. 

They remained like for a while, long after the song had ended; Remus’ eyes were closed as he had drifted off to sleep the second Sirius had begun to play, and Sirius was simply content to be in his presence, glad to know that he was okay.

A gentle knock on the door pulled Sirius out of his thoughts, and after a quick glance to make sure Remus hadn’t awoken, Sirius crept over to open it. 

“Hey.” It was James. “He okay?” he asked, jerking his head in the direction of the bed.

“Yeah,” Sirius replied, running hand through his hair as he stepped out of the room and closing the door behind him so as not to disturb Remus.

“Oh, by the way,” James said in a suspiciously nonchalant tone of voice, “they know.”

Sirius frowned impatiently. “And am I supposed to know what it is that they know, exactly?”

“About you and Remus.”

“What?” Sirius exclaimed, rounding on James. “You told them?”

“No!” James held his hands up, his eyes wide. “I swear, Padfoot, I didn’t tell them. Marlene guessed and Luna seemed to know all along, so now they all know- but they decided not to say anything until you choose to come out to them, you know? And so I’m only telling you now because I know you wanted them to know all along, it was Remus who asked you not to tell.”

“Oh.” Sirius stopped suddenly in the hallway, running a hand tiredly over face as the exhaustion and worry of the past two days finally caught up to him.

“Hey, mate, you want my bed tonight?” James asked, peering into Sirius’ face worriedly. 

“Nah, you’re okay, Prongs,” Sirius replied heavily, “I’ll go on the sofa again. Honestly, I’m fine. You’re a good friend, you know?” He forced a smile, clapping James on the back. 

James rolled his eyes in mock exasperation, though there was a smile on his face. “Don’t go all soft on me now, eh, Pads?” 

They entered the living room, Sirius noticing with faint amusement how the girls pointedly pretended not to notice his presence, their eyes firmly fixed on each other as they chatted animatedly.. 

Sirius cleared his throat loudly. “So,” he began, “I guess you all know, then.”

“Know what?” Mary began innocently. 

“James, you told him!” Marlene said in exasperation at exactly the same time, glaring at James.

“He wanted you guys to know!” James said defensively, and Sirius nodded. 

“Yeah, it was Remus who didn’t wanna say anything. I think- well, we’re still figuring stuff out, you know? And I’m pretty sure he didn’t want the pressure.”

Luna, however, smiled, getting to her feet and rather surprisingly enveloping Sirius in a soft hug. “I knew,” she said seriously, a twinkle in her eyes.

“I thought so,” Sirius replied with a laugh. “Thanks for not saying anything, though.”

Luna nodded, pulling Marlene to her feet and leading her out of the room, Marlene offering Sirius a reassuring smile as she went. 

“Yeah,” Mary said following suit, “I guess you want the sofa to sleep on.” She winked at Sirius as she passed, which Sirius pointedly decided to ignore.

“Yeah, mate, get some sleep,” James added before he left. “You look like shit.”

Sirius laughed hollowly as he crawled under the nest of blankets he set up for himself on the sofa. 

And as usual, right before he drifted off to sleep, his last thought was of Remus.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics from Orpheus under the influence by the Buttertones
> 
> ...im a bit obsessed with the buttertones :P

You used to play gracefully with your mythical hands  
Orpheus  
Under the influence  
I used to be a man that'd croon  


***

Sirius found the feeling of knowing that Remus was always in the next room to him incredibly thrilling and yet comforting at the same time; similar to when he was a child and Regulus and he would take the huge family tent and camp out for the night in the obscenely large garden of the Black family house. It was the feeling of knowing that everyone in the world who he cared about was just a fingertip away; whether it be the thin polyester of their sleeping bags separating them, or now, the walls of Sirius’ bedroom.

Which, in Sirius’ opinion, was still far too much separating them. 

It was almost midday the following day when Sirius first heard the groggy, clattering sounds coming from his bedroom, alerting him that Remus was finally awake. With it being a Monday, Mary was at work and the others had left hours ago for uni. Sirius had decided to take the day off, much to James’ consternation (“Padfoot! I’m not going to let you copy my tutorial solutions again, McGonagall is already suspicious and she’s gonna do us in for plagiarism if you keep this up!”) and that was where he was now, curled up on the sofa re-reading the book Remus had lent him. 

“Sirius?” Remus' voice was croaky as he entered the living room, barefoot, his hair in a rather endearing state of disarray. “What time is it?” 

“Its…” Sirius checked his phone, the time flashing on the display. “Eleven thirty-seven. In the morning.”

“Oh.” Remus seemed to let out a breath of relief, slumping onto the sofa beside Sirius and massaging his temple.

“Hey, you okay?” Sirius asked, eyeing Remus with some concern. He had gained back the colour in his face, but he still looked like he had been to Hell and back. Literally. 

“Yeah, fine,” Remus replied wearily, smiling tentatively at Sirius. “Just starving, and still got a bit of a headache- it’s nothing, though, really,” he added upon seeing Sirius’ expression.

“Well, the hungry thing, we can fix,” Sirius said, choosing not to fixate on the part of Remus being in pain. Which was hard. Really, bloody hard. “What do you fancy?”

“Um, why do I suddenly feel very nervous about letting you cook for me? I feel compelled to ask whether you have a working fire alarm.”

“Hey!” Sirius exclaimed indignantly, swatting Remus on the leg. “I’ll have you know that we actually have a cooking rota, and I cook on Tuesdays and Saturdays! And no one has ever got food poisoning from me. Oh, well, actually, that’s only happened once,” Sirius amended, “and that could just as well have been Marlene’s cooking as mine.”

“Yeah, really not helping,” Remus added dryly, though there was a smile on his face. “If I drop dead, I want the world to know that it was you who poisoned me. Come on, then, I’ll help you.”

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re amazing at cooking. I mean, honestly, is there anything you can’t do?” Sirius asked in exasperation. 

Remus rolled his eyes as they got up from the sofa together, though there was a smile on his face. 

“Oh,” he said gently, recognition lighting his eyes, “you’re reading my book. Again.” He gestured curiously to the book Sirius had just set down on the coffee table. 

“Yeah. Uh… is that okay?” Sirius asked nervously. “I mean, it was really good.” He didn’t know how to tell Remus that the reason he kept on rereading it was that it reminded Sirius of him- and every time he turned to Remus’ drawing at the back of the page, he could not help tracing his fingers over the lines that Remus had drawn, as if doing so could somehow bring Sirius closer to him.

“Yeah, of course,” Remus said with a small smile as they entered the kitchen, Sirius busying himself with taking out pans and utensils from the cupboards so that Remus would not see the blush on his face. “I cry every time I read it- at the ending.”

Sirius looked over at him in surprise, setting a pot down on the countertop. “Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, didn’t you cry at the ending?” Remus peered at him curiously. “Now I’m thinking you’re a robot sent by the robot overlords to learn about humanity. Who are you and what have you done with Sirius Black?” He smiled a wry, teasing grin that was so unlike him that Sirius couldn’t help but let out a sharp bark of laughter.

Sirius shook his head fondly, turning to light the stove and set some spaghetti to boil. “I dunno, I just didn’t. Doesn’t mean I didn’t find it sad!” he added, spotting the disbelieving way in which Remus was looking at him.

“Go on, then, spill. When’s the last time you cried?” Remus settled smugly back in the wooden-backed kitchen chair, smiling with the air of someone who had won an argument.

“Two days ago,” Sirius said quietly, turning to prod at the pasta, his head ducked so his hair fell over his eyes.

“Two days ago?” Remus sounded confused. “What was… oh.”

A silence sprung up between them, tense will all the things they wanted to say but did not know if they had the courage. For they both knew what had happened two days ago- perhaps if Sirius had known about Remus’ seizures beforehand, the sight of one wouldn’t have affected him the way it did; but all he could remember thinking in that moment was _please, let it be me instead._

“Sirius, I-” Remus began softly, at the exact same moment that Sirius began to speak.

“Uh, what do you want with your pasta?” Sirius asked, his voice strained.

“Do you have tomatoes?” Remus asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, in the bottom drawer of the fridge.” Sirius nodded in the fridge’s direction, finally looking up when Remus didn’t make a move to retrieve them.

“I _am_ sorry, you know,” Remus said, surveying Sirius with an honest, worried sort of expression.

“What, for putting your life in danger when you ran off like that?” Sirius couldn’t help the bitterness that seeped into his tone; he knew it wasn’t Remus’ fault, and that he simply hadn’t wanted his friends to see him that way- and, if it was Sirius in his shoes, he likely would have done the exact same thing- but that didn’t mean it was _right_.

“No.” Remus shook his head. “I’m sorry for not telling you.” He retrieved the tomatoes, taking a knife from the counter and beginning to slice them neatly, his golden curls falling over his forehead and into his eyes. “About my epilepsy,” he added, pausing to look Sirius earnestly in the eyes. “I just don’t think I would have been able to handle it if you pitied me.”

“But I don’t pity you, Moony, and I genuinely don’t care that you didn’t tell me,” Sirius said, and not for the first time, he realised that he had never spoken truer words. “That was honestly up to you. It was never my place to say you should have told me. I just feel mad at myself more, I think, that you didn’t trust me to be there for you and would rather endanger your life than risk me or the others thinking less of you.”

Remus looked up, startled.

“Because,” Sirius continued firmly, “you must know that I would never think less of you. Especially not over anything like this. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Sirius held Remus’ gaze, hoping that he would be able to see the depth of his conviction. And Remus stated back at him, holding Sirius stare unwaveringly. Sirius hardly dared to breathe; the way Remus was staring at him, unblinking, as though he saw everything Sirius was, unapologetically, and did not think to shy away. Apart from his friendship with James, he had never had that feeling before. And… it was everything.

“Oh, by the way,” Sirius asked in what he hoped was a nonchalant voice as he tipped the tomatoes into a pan on the stove, “they know.”

He had expected to have to elaborate, like how James had done with him, but to his surprise, Remus just smiled wryly and nodded. 

“I thought so,” he said, idly stirring the sauce as the sound of sizzling filled the room. “I don’t mind, though. At first I just wanted to give us time to figure stuff out without pressure from your friends, but now that I know them I just can’t see how them not knowing about us is any help at all. And,” he continued, “I know this is your first time in a relationship with a guy. And… I just wanted you to have the time and space that I wish I had been given.”

Sirius didn’t even have the mental capacity to dwell on this; he was too busy fixating on one word which Remus had said. 

“Relationship?” Sirius asked, pointing at Remus with the wooden spoon he had just abandoned as he rooted around in one of the cupboards for their stash of herbs and seasoning.

“Well, yeah.” Remus emerged, clutching a sprig of fresh basil that Sirius hadn’t even known they owned as he surveyed Sirius with mild surprise. “I mean, that’s what we are, right?”

“Oh, yeah,” Sirius replied, distantly aware of a swooping sensation deep in his stomach. “For sure. Totally.”

“Sirius,” Remus said calmly, a mildly amused expression creeping onto his face. “Say it.”

“Say what?”

“Say it. Say I’m your boyfriend.”

“What?” Sirius spluttered, his face reddening. “Of course I know that’s what a relationship means. Why do I have to- okay. You’re my boyfriend,” he mumbled, his face burning so much that he was sure there was no difference in the shade of his face and the tomatoes softening in the pan.

“There, that wasn’t so hard.” Remus was smiling smugly.

“Yeah, sure,” Sirius grumbled, though his face broke into a grudging smile when Remus laughed, leaning over to give Sirius a swift kiss on the cheek. It was chaste and normal and it just felt so _right_ ; standing there in the kitchen, making pasta with Remus, Sirius felt as though his heart might just explode out of his chest with happiness. 

***

As the day progressed, Sirius couldn’t help but notice how Remus took to biting his lip with worry, starting at every unfamiliar noise with a small jump.

“Moony, it’s just someone slamming a car door,” Sirius said concernedly as it happened for the fifth time that day.

“Yeah, sorry,” Remus replied, rubbing his hands over his arms protectively. “Just jumpy, I guess.” He offered Sirius a small, uncertain smile that he could not return.

“Hey, what’s up?” 

“Oh, nothing. Just scared for tonight, is all.”

“Tonight? What’s tonight?”

Remus bit his lip, looking over at Sirius with a guarded expression in his eyes. “I- I’m performing tonight. Piano. And Greyback will be there. He’s always there.”

“What?” Sirius jumped to his feet, hardly noticing as Remus wearily got to his feet as well from where they had been sat on the sofa, rubbing a hand tiredly across his face. “Moony, you’ve gotta be fucking joking. You are joking, right? You can’t go if you know he’s gonna be there, are you crazy?”

Remus’ eyes flashed. 

“Don’t you ever fucking think, Sirius?” he retorted hotly. A small thrill shot down Sirius’ spine as he noted how Remus stood an inch taller than him. “Greyback knows that I haven’t been staying at his house for the past few days, and the only reason he has probably left it this long is because he knows I’m going to be there tonight. And if I’m not there?” He let out a small, humourless laugh. “You don’t even want to know what he’s capable of.”

“What, then! Tell me what he’s capable of! God, you make him out to be some sort of... I don’t know,” Sirius spluttered, “but can it really be that bad? What’s the worst he can do?”

“What’s the worst he can do?” An incredulous, blazing light lit in Remus’ eyes. “Dorcas is dead!” He screamed the last word, and it ripped out of his throat like the stars being ripped out of the night sky, and all that was left in Sirius’ chest was an empty, hollow feeling, like the cold of the Universe in the endless gaps between the stars.

“What?” Sirius asked quietly. “Dead? Who’s Dorcas?”

Remus shook his head, sniffing, and Sirius noted with a distant pang of horror that there were tear tracks tracing delicate paths down his flushed cheeks. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Remus mumbled, looking away from Sirius as he swiped a hand across his cheeks in frustration. 

“Moony, hey. Yes, it does matter. If it matters to you, it matters to me.” Sirius took Remus’ hand, tugging him gently back down onto the sofa as he tried his best to ignore the whirling storm of abject horror inside of him. Greyback had _killed_ someone? This had to end. Now.

“Yeah, um,” Remus began, “about two years, ago, a few months after I had turned eighteen, Greyback came to visit and said that he was there to collect his debts. And I had just thought it was all a huge joke; I mean, how can anyone take something like that seriously? I ignored him. I was eighteen. How was I meant to know he was… who he is?” He turned a pleading gaze onto Sirius, who soothingly stroked his thumb over the back of Remus’ hand. His eyes were wide, as though he was begging Sirius to understand. “And Dorcas was my best friend. She was… the only person I had. You know? She was to me what James is now to you.”

Sirius nodded to show he understood.

“And Greyback… well, I don’t even know how he knew what she meant to me, that she was the only person in the whole goddamn world who I cared about. But he did. He found out. Like I said, he has men absolutely everywhere. _Everywhere_ , Sirius. And I… It’s my fault. He killed her. For no reason other than to show that he _could_ , to show that he was being serious. And all of it was my fault. It’s my fault she’s dead.”

Remus’s shoulders heaved, and Sirius wanted to rip out his heart at the broken, ripped sob that tore out of Remus’ throat as if against his will. 

“No, Moony,” he said softly, “It’s not your fault. I don’t think you even see how fucking sick this is. This isn’t _normal_. He killed her, not you. How could you have known?”

Sirius felt physically nauseous; how could Remus have spent so long around that sick creature for so long before Sirius had even known him? His skin crawled. 

“I should have known,” Remus said bitterly, turning to face Sirius. And the raw, evident self-hatred in his eyes…. well, Sirius thought he may as well have been looking in a mirror. 

“So,” he continued, leaning tiredly into Sirius and placing his head on his shoulder absentmindedly, “do you see why I have to go? If I don’t, he’ll… well, the worst thing that can happen is he could find out about you. And I would do anything, absolutely anything, to prevent that from happening.”

“Yeah, I see why you have to go,” Sirius said, “but I’m coming too.”

“What?” Remus’ head shot up so fast that his hair whipped Sirius across the face, his green eyes full of accusation. “After everything I said to you, you still want to come?”

“Yes,” Sirius said softly, hoping that Remus could read the open honesty in his eyes. “Don’t you see? I will always, _always_ be here for you. We do this together now, and there’s not a chance in hell that I’m letting you go there on your own. Not knowing that _he’s_ there waiting for you.”

“But aren’t you- I mean, do you think I could live with myself if you ended up like Dorcas?”

“And do you think I could live with myself if _you_ did?” Sirius countered, raising an eyebrow. 

Remus laughed quietly, though there was no humour in the sound. 

“Fine. You can come. But you are not to be seen near me. No one must think we are together. No one must know that you even _know_ me. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, Moony,” Sirius sighed, looking at his earnest, burning expression, something in his chest heaving at the sight. “I understand.”

***

The seats in the Royal Albert Hall were packed, and Sirius had to crane his neck to see the familiar mop of dark blond hair on the stage before the magnificent grand piano- quite far away from where Sirius was sitting high up in the stands, all the good seats having been long gone. 

Apparently, Remus had lied to Sirius when he said that playing here wasn’t a huge deal.

The orchestra was seated, the conductor standing somewhere off to the side of the stage, and all their fidgeting and rustling with their respective instruments immediately stopped the second that Remus began to play.

He had complained to Sirius on the tube for the whole way there about how he hadn't practiced in weeks- since before he went off to find Alice- and how he was sure he had to be rusty and would mess up his entire performance.

But now, as Remus’ hands danced over the keys as if this, _this_ was what they had been made for, every single thought that had ever crossed through Sirius’ head immediately vanished, made insignificant by the sheer emotion in every single note, every chord, every fleeting trill coaxed out of the piano by Remus’ delicate fingers. 

Sure, he had heard Remus play before, but this was different; this time, the thousands of people in the audience were silent, poised on the edge of their seats, their eyes all trained on the boy sitting in front of the piano. 

And Sirius felt a rather odd surge of possessiveness at the realisation- and the swooping, heady feeling of euphoria. Remus was _his_.

All too quickly, the song drew to a close, the melancholy minor key seamlessly transitioning into hopeful major for the last few gentle, thrumming chords, and it felt as though Remus had reached straight into his chest, strumming at Sirius’ heartstrings. 

As the final notes rang into a reverberating, empty silence, in the breadth of a heartbeat before deafening applause echoed around the hall, Remus looked straight at where Sirius was sitting in the stands. It was a vulnerable, open sort of look; a question, a hand being offered and thrust out into the space between them.

And Sirius gazed back, a hard, blazing look on his face, and that heartbeat before the applause started could have stretched into eternity. 

***

The rest of the music passed by in a blur; it was all amazing and breathtaking and heartbreaking all at once, and Sirius had never thought that classical music could even be that good- but none of it quite reached inside of him and played out his deepest thoughts like Remus’ music did.

After Remus’ solo, Remus had moved off to somewhere in the wings and out of Sirius’ sight, and he felt the absence like the cold, hollow feeling in Summer when the sun goes behind a cloud.

The end of the concert could not come quickly enough. 

Sirius pushed past people to get into the lobby, ignoring their disdainful looks and snide comments about the rude youth nowadays until he finally reached the open space of the lobby, golden banisters gleaming and Sirius’ tatty converse sinking into the plush red carpet. 

But there was no sign of Remus.

Sirius swallowed down the rising lump in his throat, sitting on one of the obscenely large velvet chairs by the doors that would give him a good view of anyone trying to leave. A nagging feeling pulled at his gut; but what could he do?

He was sure that Remus must have just got caught up, maybe discussing music with the other members of the orchestra…

But Sirius knew that was a lie.

And in the end, there was nothing he could do but wait.

***

Almost an hour had passed by the time Remus finally appeared. 

Sirius would have recognised his figure anywhere as he emerged from the doorway, and the feeling of relief rising in his stomach was so strong that he almost didn’t recognise the figure behind him, looming at his shoulder. 

Greyback was terrifying in the flesh. 

There was something… _off_ about him. Something unsettling that Sirius could not quite put his finger on.

The tattoo which Sirius had noticed before crawled up the side of his face, black and inky and menacing. Up close, Sirius could see that it was a tattoo of a wolf with a child’s arm hanging out of its mouth. 

Sirius had to suppress his shudder. 

Imperceptibly, Remus shook his head at Sirius, the movement so small and jerky that it could have been passed off as a twitch, but Sirius understood.

He was not to act as though he knew Remus- not to give any indication that they were more than complete strangers.

But then Remus stepped into the orange glowing light of the lobby and it was all Sirius could do to remain in his seat.

A thin, angry red cut sliced down the left side of Remus’ face, starting just below his eye and crossing over the bridge of his nose; and, if that wasn’t enough, his limp from his dodgy ankle was even more pronounced. Anger, thick and bubbling, rose within Sirius; he had known that coming here had been a bad idea, and yet Remus hadn’t listened. 

Remus shot Sirius a desperate, pleading look; as though he were begging him to stay where he was, to not say anything. 

It took Sirius every last crumb of self-restraint he possessed to comply.

Sirius watched hollowly as Greyback took Remus’ chin in his knobbly, scarred hands, grinning menacingly with yellowed teeth, and said something in an undertone to Remus that Sirius didn’t hear. 

Sirius hands clenched quite involuntarily by his sides. 

Remus flinched suddenly, pulling back from Greyback’s grip and saying something quickly in a low, angry tone.

Greyback grinned; the sight made Sirius feel physically sick. Greyback winked at Remus who was pointedly starting at the ground, his expression stony, and Greyback walked straight past Sirius and out into the night. As he passed, his leering eyes landed on Sirius’ and he felt unnervingly stripped bare- like if Greyback just looked at him long enough, he would see everything that lay between him and Remus.

Remus waited a minute after Greyback’s departure before stepping out into the cool night, not even glancing at Sirius to acknowledge his presence. 

Sirius let him go.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW abusive relationship
> 
> song lyrics from 'did the day go just like you wanted' by Belle and Sebastian

And the dreams that you try to find  
When you close your eyes when the world is silent  
Give yourself to a mystery  
Open up to warm possibility  
You are blessed, not ragged, not lost  
As long as you love

***

Sirius didn’t know how long he spent sitting inside the Royal Albert Hall, staring unseeingly at the floor with nothing to keep him company but the relentless buzzing in his head. 

He had been sat there, useless and pathetic, while Remus was being _physically assaulted_ by Greyback- in the same _building._

He could not- he would not- be useless and pathetic ever again. But how- what could he do to help Remus, if he refused to let him?

And Remus could be anywhere; the way he had left, not even looking at Sirius as if they were nothing more than strangers…

Burdened by these thoughts weighing him down like an anchor in a turbulent sea, Sirius had walked the short journey to his uni library almost on muscle memory alone. He had sat there for the whole night- he was in no mental state to actually do any work, even if he had wanted to, but he had automatically gravitated to the table where he and James usually spent all nighters squirreled away, powered by coffee and red bull. There he sat, staring blankly into the stacks of shelves and toying with his phone in his hands, the temptation to text or call Remus gripping him like a vice.

 _Oh, Moony,_ he thought. _Why does everything have to be so hard?_

***

Sirius didn’t even remember falling asleep, but he woke to a familiar hand on his shoulder, jerking him out of his dream.

“James?”

“Yeah, Padfoot, what the hell?” James asked, peering concernedly into Sirius’ groggy face, his tone belying a hint of annoyance. He was carrying a textbook and a messy handful of loose sheets of paper, his glasses crooked on his nose and his hair in his usual state of disarray. The library was beginning to buzz with the early morning crowd as the watery morning sunlight streamed through the windows. “What were you thinking, coming here? Why didn’t you come home? Remus has been worried sick.”

“Wait.” Sirius rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “What?”

“Yeah, Remus came home at around midnight- I had no clue where you guys had gone off to cuz neither of you were around when Marlene and I got home from uni, but I figured you were together. So when he came home without you, I was worried, you know?” Sirius looked at James’ concerned expression and felt a rush of affection for his friend; and above all, guilt- but something he had said was, as far as Sirius was concerned, a much more pressing matter in that moment. 

“Wait, Prongs… Remus came home? Last night?”

“Uh… yeah?” James frowned. “Was he not supposed to?”

“No, it’s just… oh, fuck, I’ve really screwed this up,” Sirius muttered, lurching to his feet and grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair. “See you at home!”

“But Padfoot, we have a tutorial! In ten minutes!” James called after him, but Sirius was too far gone.

Remus had gone back to Sirius’. Last night, after the concert, Remus had gone back to Sirius’ house; Remus must have refused to acknowledge Sirius’ presence out of fear that Greyback had still been watching. And Sirius had spent the entire night in the library, wallowing in self-pity, while Remus had waited for him. Injured.

Sirius thought of the cut on his face and the way he had been limping, and swore under his breath as he hurried home with renewed vigour.

The entire ride on the tube, Sirius’ insides clenched with guilt and anxiety. It was so much like him to do something like this; when Sirius was little, his parents had often thrown him snide comments about how he had always acted like the entire world revolved around him. And wasn’t this just proof that they had been right? Remus had left without acknowledging Sirius to _protect_ him, because that was just the kind of person Remus was, and Sirius, in all his self-absorbed narcissism, had assumed that it was something that he had done; that Remus hadn’t wanted to face Sirius after their run in with Greyback out of shame or something stupid like that. Sirius was stupid.

He should have known better.

After what felt like an eternity, Sirius finally reached his front door. The house was unusually silent; with James and Marlene at uni and Mary at work, he supposed that only Remus was home. He didn’t know if that made things better or worse.

Sirius took a deep breath, and stepped inside.

“Sirius?” Remus’ voice drifted from the living room, and not a moment later he emerged into the hallway, wearing cuffed trousers and two sweaters layered on top of each other despite the temperate March weather. He had dark circles under his eyes, suggesting a night of no sleep, and the gash on his face looked even worse in the light of the sun pooling across the floor from the windows. 

Sirius swallowed. Now that Remus was here, standing before him, he suddenly realised he had no clue what to say.

“Remus… Moony, I’m so, so sorry. I thought you’d just left, I didn’t realise you were gonna come back here. I’m sorry.”

Sirius’ didn’t know what more he could say; he hoped that Remus could read the sincere desperation in his eyes.

Remus frowned, stepping into a bright shaft of sunlight, making his hair gleam like burnished copper. “You honestly didn’t think I would come back here?” He wore a small puzzled frown, and was looking at Sirius with a strange sort of expression on his face.

“Um… no? I just thought that maybe- you know, after I saw the whole thing between you and Greyback- that you maybe wanted to be alone or something? I don’t know, Moony.” Sirius sighed, dragging a hand through his hair, suddenly feeling the weight of exhaustion from his poor night of sleep in the library. Though, from the looks of it, Remus hadn’t had a better night’s sleep either.

“No… Sirius,” Remus said softly, still wearing a mildly bemused expression. “I thought _you_ wanted to be alone after seeing… you know, after seeing Greyback. The kind of person I have no choice but to associate myself with. And I don’t blame you! I felt so, so bad coming back here assuming you would have followed, and I was going to leave as soon as I realised you didn’t follow me, but James told me not to. I told him what had happened- leaving out the Greyback stuff, obviously- but I was so worried and there was nothing I could do…” Remus trailed off, rubbing his arms over the sleeves of his sweater as though he were still cold. 

Sirius frowned. “Worried? Why would you have been worried?” 

“Because!” Remus burst out indignantly. “Because I thought that one of two things had to have happened. Either you didn’t want anything more to do with me because… because of _him_ ,” Remus spat, “or something much worse. Greyback could have found out about you, no matter how careful we had been! He cornered me after the show and I told him that I’ve been staying with Alice. I rang her immediately after and she said she’s fine covering for me. She, of all people, understands how dangerous he is. And Greyback seemed to believe me, but still, Sirius! If he found out about you…” Remus’ eyes widened, as though he was pleading Sirius to understand. “It’s my fault for letting it get this far,” he added quietly, looking down at the floor. 

“Hey,” Sirius said sternly. It was as if a spell had been broken; he went over to Remus, reaching out to brush Remus’ hair back from his eyes. A pang of hurt shot through Sirius when he saw how Remus shrank back from his touch- but then he remembered how Greyback had grabbed Remus chin last night and a fiery bolt of anger, white hot, sliced through him. It was really no surprise that he was reacting this way, and Sirius immediately stepped away from Remus to give him space, something deep in the pit of his stomach aching.

“He hit you.” Sirius said. It was not a question, and his voice was shaking with barely concealed rage. “And your ankle, it’s even worse than it was before. Remus-”

“No. Leave it, Sirius,” Remus said flatly in a weary sort of voice. “There’s nothing anyone can do without making the situation a billion times worse than it is. It’s fine.” Remus’ tone left no room for argument, though Sirius’ fists were clenched at his sides, his teeth gritted in anger.

“I’m just- I’m so sorry,” Sirius said, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry for not coming home, you were injured, for Christ’s sake! I’m so sorry.”

Remus smiled sadly, shaking his head. “No. Stop being sorry. Besides, Marlene fixed me up- she’s gonna make an amazing doctor. _I’m_ sorry for making you feel like I would just leave like that. I mean… I can’t blame you. I’ve already left you once.”

“But,” Sirius asked, shaking his head, “why would you even think that _I_ didn’t come home because I didn’t want anything more to do with you after seeing Greyback?” Sirius quoted Remus’ earlier words, frowning. “Surely you know by now that nothing could- I mean-” Sirius cleared his throat. “Seeing Greyback only made me mad. On your behalf. Nothing could make me run from you, how could you have even thought that?”

“Oh, that.” Remus’ cheeks coloured, and he looked down at the floor, stoically avoiding Sirius’ eyes. “Uh… that’s nothing.”

Sirius merely raised an eyebrow, watching Remus squirm.

“Okay, fine,” Remus relented in exasperation. “I’ve spent the night over here before.”

When Sirius didn’t respond, he continued impatiently, his cheeks getting redder by the minute. 

“Before I had my… before my birthday. I spent the night in your room.” He said the last part very fast, cringing. “And after you saw me, um, having a seizure, you gave me your room and you’ve slept on the sofa since then.” Remus cheeks were so red that the scar on his face blended into it seamlessly. “And I just thought that maybe, after seeing me like, um, like _that_ , you’re not attracted to me anymore. And that’s why you didn’t want to stay with me in your room. And that’s why I thought it would be so easy for you to leave last night.”

Sirius gaped at Remus. He didn’t even know what to say; and yet something tightly clenched in the pit of his stomach unknotted itself at Remus’ declaration, soothed by the knowledge that Remus _did_ genuinely care for him. Knowing that Remus fretted just as much as Sirius over small things like that made him feel… better, somehow? Though that made him sound awful.

“Remus,” Sirius began, and he couldn’t help a small, hysterical laugh from bubbling out of him. “I was just giving you space. I know you were exhausted for ages after your seizure and I could tell you felt embarrassed for some reason- which is utterly ridiculous, obviously, you should _never_ have to feel embarrassed over something like this. But I just didn’t want to overcrowd you, and I know that you didn’t really have much choice over staying here. Yeah,” he added sternly as he saw how Remus opened his mouth to interrupt, “but either this or staying with Greyback isn’t much choice at all.”

Remus let out a breathy laugh, surging forward until he was standing hesitantly right in front of Sirius, so close that Sirius could see the thick layer of waxy ointment that Marlene must have given him coating his scar. ‘How about this,” Remus said quietly, the familiar wry smile that Sirius so loved playing on his lips, “if I want space- if either of us want space- then we will say so. No more leaving, okay? And that goes for me too,” Remus chuckled, seeing how Sirius raised his eyebrow pointedly, thinking of how Remus had left for months without contact when he went after Alice. 

“Yeah, that’s fine with me,” Remus mumbled quietly, his eyes fluttering closed as Sirius leaned forwards, kissing him sweetly but hesitantly, remembering how Remus had shrunk away from his touch just moments ago. He waited for Remus to pull away, to tell him that he was tired or for any subtle indications that he felt uncomfortable with being physical after his run-in with Greyback, but Remus simply wound his hands into Sirius’ hair, pressing his body closer as kissing him back insistently. This time it was different; the image of Remus playing the piano so passionately burned behind his eyelids, and he was suddenly reminded of the jubilant feeling from last night of looking at the insanely talented boy down on the stage and realising that Remus was _his._

“Hey,” Remus said hoarsely, pulling back and resting his forehead against Sirius’. His green eyes seemed luminous in the dazzling sunlight, his hair catching the light in such an ethereal way that Sirius was reminded suddenly of a painting of an angel he had seen once in a museum when he was a child. “Seeing as it looks like neither of us had a very good night’s sleep last night, how about we go do that?”

Sirius chuckled, amused. “Wow, Moony, you’re really just looking for any excuse to get me into bed, huh?” 

“No, not like that!” Remus replied indignantly, pulling back so Sirius could see his coloured cheeks. “I actually really meant it. I’m really tired, I couldn’t sleep at all last night because I was so worried about you. I couldn’t tell James why I was worried because then I’d have had to tell him all about Greyback, and I just couldn’t stop thinking of what would have happened if Greyback found out about you. And obviously I couldn’t risk texting you just in case he _did_ have you.”

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius replied softly, lifting his hand to gently trace the dark bruises under Remus’ eyes that his sleepless night had left him with.

“And besides,” Remus added sincerely, “I really did mean sleep. Not getting enough sleep puts me at more risk of a seizure, and while I really haven’t been having them often lately, I just don’t want to risk it.”

“Oh, shit,” Sirius replied quietly, all remaining amusement falling from his face. Of course; he should have thought of that. There he went yet again, only thinking about himself like the selfish bastard his parents had always known him to be. “Come on, then. Let’s go have a killer nap. You deserve it, after that piano playing you did last night. Have I told you how brilliant you were?”

“Thanks.” Remus smiled in relief at him. “And, uh, it was really nothing. I made so many mistakes, I completely messed up the first few bars in the second movement.”

Sirius shook his head fondly, taking Remus’ hand and leading them both into his bedroom. “Come on then. Let’s sleep.”

***

They awoke to the clattering sounds of the others moving around the house, the familiar bickering of James and Mary drifting through the walls. 

“Unff,” Remus groaned from where his head was on Sirius’ chest, “whassa time?” Remus inhaled deeply and rolled onto his back, stretching. 

“Six in the evening,” Sirius replied with a yawn, his voice croaky with disuse. 

“Wow. Good six hour nap.” Remus smiled at Sirius, his curls ruffled and he just looked so incredibly _soft_ in that moment that Sirius’ heart all but melted. 

“Oh, hey,” Sirius asked suddenly, frowning, “how did you know I’d spent the night in the library?” He couldn’t recall having mentioned it to Remus, and yet Remus had mentioned it in conversation earlier, right before they fell asleep.

“Um, James texted me as soon as he found you asleep there,” Remus replied, fumbling for his phone on the bedside table and waving it distractedly in the air.

“Huh.” Sirius decided he’d unpack that later. He liked that Remus got on with his best friend- he _really_ liked it, he realised. 

Speaking of James, his singsong voice drifted through the walls. “Come out, lovebirds, it’s not very social of you to be closeted away like that. Besides, it’s your cooking day Pads, at least come and help us make enchiladas.” James’ amused-sounding voice came from just outside the door, the thudding footsteps which followed telling them he was walking away. 

“Come on,” Remus said firmly as he rolled off the bed, ignoring Sirius’ protesting groan. “They’re all putting up with me staying here for so long, the least I can do is go and help make dinner.”

“No one’s putting up with you, we’re all happy you’re here,” Sirius grouched under his breath, but followed suit, scrubbing a hand over his face as he followed Remus towards the sound of bickering and laughter into the kitchen. 

“Wow, what were you two doing in there for so long?” James asked pointedly, grinning at Sirius as he waggled his eyebrows deviously. 

“We were just doing, uh, nothing!” Remus replied quickly, his cheeks colouring with the implication.

“Yeah, sure, nothing,” Sirius replied drily, rolling his eyes mock-conspiratorially at James. “I guess I’m nothing, then.”

The kitchen was silent for a moment, then Remus choked, spluttering indignantly. “Sirius! We absolutely did not! We were just sleeping,” he added desperately rounding on James, who was laughing in earnest now.

“Oh, how swiftly you dismiss our love,” Sirius replied dramatically, placing a hand theatrically over his heart and attempting a wounded expression.

“Yeah, keep that up and sleeping will be the most we do in the future,” Remus retorted, though there was a smile behind his words. “And you _know_ what you’re missing out on,” 

“Oh, a lover’s quarrel!” James remarked gleefully, rubbing his hands together.

Sirius chuckled at the pained expression on Remus’ face.

“One of you come over here and start making the cheese sauce,” Mary called over at them from where she and Marlene were huddled over the counter, making a remarkable mess with the ingredient scattered in a shocking state of disarray before them. Honestly, Sirius thought, it was a miracle the four of them had survived so long without starving.

“I’ll help,” Remus replied quickly, moving over to the girls, clearly eager to distance himself from Sirius and James’ taunts.

“Hey,” James said quietly from his place beside Sirius, “I’m glad that you and Moony worked things out.”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied somewhat wistfully, watching the way Remus was patiently explaining something about the cheese sauce to the girls, Mary immediately turning to blame Marlene for whatever fault Remus had detected with their method and Remus rolling his eyes good-naturedly. As his eyes lifted to meet Sirius’, he smiled. “Yeah. I am, too.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW suicide and mention of childhood sexual abuse  
> please be kind to yourselves and don't read anything that might upset you xx
> 
> song lyrics from reminiscing by the buttertones

Reminiscing won't help me, but I just can't help myself  
I've read all your letters  
I wish you'd quit reminding me that you're much better  
Keep going around lookin' for the right way out  
I, I know that soon enough I'll start acting rough  
And open my eyes, stop wasting time  
Reminiscing won't help me, but I just can't help myself  
From reminiscing  
Reminiscing  
Reminiscing

***

After an evening of Sirius frantically trying to catch up on the uni work he had missed, Remus sitting in the corner of the room sketching in his notebook with an absent smile on his face, Sirius felt much calmer than he had in a long while; at peace, even. Just being there, in Remus’ presence, soothed Sirius more than he would have thought possible.

It was already almost midnight and the others had long since gone off to their separate rooms for bed, but Sirius felt wide awake. The sight of Remus curled up on the floor in the corner of the living room, his face awash in the warm orange glow of the lamp, made something small and smouldering ignite in the pit of his belly, warm and kindling.

“Hey.” Remus noticed the direction of Sirius' gaze, stretching as he tossed aside his notebook.

“What were you drawing?” Sirius asked curiously, jerking his chin towards the discarded sketchbook. 

“Um,” Remus replied shiftily, scratching at his hairline with his pencil. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Not me again, is it?” Sirius asked cheekily, though at the puzzled expression on Remus’ face, he realised with a pang that he had never even told Remus about how he had snooped through his drawings that day. 

“Oh,” Sirius began, clearing his throat, his cheeks heating. “That time you left your notebook behind here, I had a look inside it.” He grimaced. “I’m so sorry, I guess I was mad at you and I just- I didn’t even think. But that’s no excuse. I’m so sorry.”

Sirius wrung his hands together, waiting for the inevitable moment when Remus grew angry, or cold and distant; or, even worse, simply disappointed. 

What he didn’t expect, however, was the gentle sound of Remus’ laughter.

“Sirius, I thought you had done. I’ve always been super secretive with you for no good reason- well, I did have a reason. I thought that if I told you about Greyback then you wouldn’t have wanted anything more to do with me. But obviously, I didn’t expect you to not snoop when I didn’t tell you anything substantial about myself up until then. It’s fine. Honestly. And thank you for telling me.”

Sirius frowned, dissatisfied. “You’re not mad?”

“No,” Remus laughed, “I’m not mad.”

“Oh. Good.” He didn’t know what more there was to say; he felt a thick, heavy coating of shame and he found looking directly at Remus quite difficult all of a sudden; like as if he were a blinding light.

“Sirius,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t be all weird about it. It’s fine. There’s nothing I wouldn’t want you to see, anyway.”

“Oh. Okay” Sirius smiled tentatively at Remus, his heart clenching. 

“As a matter of fact,” Remus began, gathering his sketchbook and getting to his feet, “here. You asked what I was drawing just now. And you weren’t wrong, by the way.”

He offered the thick book to Sirius, who took it hesitantly. There, on the page, was…

“Oh.”

It was a drawing from the concert, depicted from Remus’ vantage point on the stage by the piano. He had roughly sketched part of the crowd, their faces blurred and indistinct; and there, in the middle of the crowd, Sirius’ face stood out in sharp relief. But it was the expression Remus had drawn on his face which made him pause. He was gazing directly into the viewer, an intense, unguarded sort of stare on his face. It was an expression that felt intimately personal, and Sirius felt like he was invading Remus’ privacy by just looking at it. Which was ridiculous. It was _his_ face, after all. Was this how he had been staring at Remus as he played the piano?

“Yeah, um…” Remus began, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“No, this is amazing,” Sirius said earnestly, pressing the book back into Remus’ hands. 

“Sorry if it’s weird,” Remus mumbled, and Sirius couldn’t help but follow the blush on his face as it bloomed down his neck, disappearing into the worn collar of his sweater.

“It’s really, really not weird. I promise. I just- I dunno, you have a very specific way of seeing the world, you know? And I only realise just how very _different_ it is when I see your drawing. It’s really, _really_ amazing, Moony. _You’re_ amazing.”

Remus smiled hesitantly, and Sirius unconsciously took his hand, grazing his thumb across Remus’ knuckles. Remus shuddered. 

“Despite the fact that we’ve literally slept for six hours today,” Remus said, his voice taking on a husky quality that did things to Sirius’ stomach, “how about we go get some more?”

Sirius chuckled, nudging Remus gently with the side of his hip as though he physically could not get enough contact. “Wow, you really _are_ just looking for any excuse to get me into bed.”

Sirius expected Remus to blush, to awkwardly withdraw and indignantly protest, but, to Sirius’ surprise, he bit his lip, leaning into Sirius' touch.

“Yeah,” Remus whispered, so his breath tickled the shell of Sirius’ ear, making Sirius shiver pleasantly. “I guess I am.”

Sirius breathed in Remus’ scent, his warmth, and drank in the familiar spark dancing in the depths of his green eyes before Sirius finally closed the tortuous gap between them, capturing Remus’ soft lips between his own.

And, Sirius thought, if Remus’ answering smile against his lips wasn’t everything. 

***

_Sirius clutched his phone to his ear, the cold metal biting into his neck like the stinging kiss of death._

_“Regulus, stop, you don’t know what you’re talking about! Where are you, I’ll be there in just a moment!”_

_Sirius shouted into his phone, running, running towards Regulus, his legs moving sluggishly as though he were wading through quicksand. His surroundings were foggy and indistinct, and he didn’t know where Regulus was, but if he just kept running, kept trying to reach him, then maybe he would. Maybe he could get there in time._

_He had to get there in time._

_“No, Sirius.” It was Regulus’ voice; exactly as Sirius remembered, with the posh aristocratic edge that Sirius had worked so hard to purge from his own voice after leaving home. But it had always sounded better on Regulus, as though he, unlike Sirius, had been born for it. “You won’t get here in time. You’re too late. You’re going to be too late.”_

_“No!” Sirius was crying now, and there were desperate tears on his face. “Reggie, just wait until I’m there! I’m almost there!” Sirius had no idea where he was; no idea where he was running to. It was a desperate lie._

_“You’re almost here?” Regulus’ voice on the other end of the phone call was strange- distant, and bitter. “Where were you, then, when you left me at home? Alone- with her? For years?” Sirius knew exactly who he was talking about- even as something deep inside of him balked at the idea that the same thing could have happened to his brother as what happened to him. But that was impossible- Regulus had always been the golden child. Bellatrix would never have- “YOU LEFT ME!”_

_Regulus’ bellowed words shattered the remaining pieces of Sirius’ heart, his brother’s voice sounding so torn and broken that Sirius sank to his knees in the never-ending wasteland he somehow found himself in, dry sobs heaving out of his body._

_“I know I did, Reg, I’m so sorry, just let me get to you! I’m coming, please, just wait…”_

_“This is your fault, Sirius.”_

_And Sirius was stuck, stuck in the blurry quicksand and unable to rise from his knees as the phone call cut out, the buzzing tone of the receiver filling his ears. He was trapped and helpless, and Regulus was… he was..._

_“No… NO! REGULUS!” Sirius screamed, his voice breaking as he clawed through the thick substance he was somehow stuck within, the buzzing tone of the cut-off phone call growing louder and louder, even after he tossed the phone as far away from him as he could, his muscles straining to fight against the abhorrent weakness that was pulling him down._

_And there was nothing to do but scream to drown out to relentless buzzing; scream to fill the clawing absence he felt deep in his chest, a yawning chasm of emptiness, because Regulus, his baby brother, he was gone, he was-_

“Sirius!” Remus’ hand was on his shoulder, shaking him insistently. “You need to wake up.”

Sirius opened his eyes, disoriented and shaking and surprised to find his eyes sore and gritty with dried tears.

“Remus,” Sirius said, his voice unsteady. Remus was leaning over him, a panicked look in his wide eyes.

“Sirius, what happened. What can I do. Tell me!” There was an insistent, slightly hysteric edge to Remus’ words, accentuated by a heavy bamging originating from the bedroom door.

Remus leapt off the bed and flung the door open, finding himself face-to-face with a dishevelled-looking James.

“James, what do I do! He just started shouting a minute ago in his sleep, I think he was saying-”

Sirius drowned out the remainder of their conversation, instead rocking backwards and forwards on the bed. It had just been a dream. It wasn’t real.

It wasn’t real.

Because Regulus would never, _never_ have said that it was Sirius’ fault. He would never have blamed Sirius like that.

But that didn’t stop Sirius from blaming himself.

“Listen, you’re okay now.” Remus was beside him again, James having disappeared. “You’re fine. It was just a dream.”

Remus took one of Sirius’ hands between both of his own, rubbing soothing circles across his palm. It distracted Sirius, somewhat, his concentration pulled to the warmth of Remus’ skin, and it was only a while after Sirius’ breathing had returned to normal that Remus asked gently, “do you want to talk about it?”

What would he even say? It was the way Regulus had said Sirius’ deepest fears, and the way he had been trapped, helpless, unable to do anything, that had made him feel the hole which he had thought was healed in his chest being ripped out, cleaved apart once again.

“It was nothing,” Sirius said, his voice sounding small and fragile even to his own ears. “Just a nightmare. I’m fine.”

He took a deep breath, telling himself over and over in his head.

Just a nightmare.

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” Remus asked worriedly.

“Yes, actually,” Sirius began, his voice already somewhat steadier in the knowledge of what he was about to share. It was like a burden was finally being lifted off his shoulders. “It’s time,” Sirius said, releasing a breath he had been holding for much too long. “You wanted to know what happened with my family that made me leave home at sixteen? It all started with my cousin. Bellatrix Black.”

And it all came out.

Remus sat, listening to Sirius’ story, his expression growing more and more horrified by the second. 

Sirius explained what Bellatrix had done to him as a child in a dead sort of voice, not even able to find a hint of shame to accompany the story that not even James knew the truth of. And it felt so, so good to finally tell someone else- someone who wasn’t his therapist- someone who actually knew him, who meant something to him.

“And,” Sirius finally finished, “I was so young when it happened that I didn’t even know any better. I didn’t know that that wasn’t normal, you know? But my mother should have known. She knew it was going on- I didn’t know that she knew at the time, but I found out when I was sixteen. And that’s when I left. She chose _her_ over her own son.” 

He took a deep breath, an invisible weight finally lifted off his shoulders. Remus was looking at him with an indecipherable expression- it wasn’t pity, but something deeper.

And Sirius found himself swallowing past a rising lump in his throat.

“Well?” Sirius asked, feeling vulnerable and stripped bare. Remus knew. Moony knew. A strange sort of exhaustion weighed on his bones.

“Thank you for telling me,” Remus said softly, “and I’m so, so sorry that this happened to you. I’m so sorry.”

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but Remus cut him off.

“Is there anything I can do?” he repeated.

“Yeah,” sighed Sirius after a moment’s hesitation. “Can you read to me? Just until I fall asleep, and only- only if you want.”

Remus exhaled in a rush. “Of course. Come here.” He gently gathered Sirius into his arms, who hadn’t even realised how many of his muscles had been tensed until they relaxed instantly upon contact with Remus.

“Any requests?” Remus’ voice held a large enough glimmer of his normal self that Sirius settled back against Remus’ shoulder, the storm inside of him finally abating somewhat.

“Anything.”

Remus retrieved a book from the floor on his side of the bed, his soothing tones lulling Sirius back into the silken embrace of sleep.

And right before sleep claimed him, he felt Remus run a hand through Sirius' hair, his touch gentle, and he murmured, “oh, Sirius, what a mess we both are.”

And even in his sleep-addled state, Sirius was inclined to agree.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics from 'Luv, hold me down' by Drowners

So, hold me down and never let me go  
A school boy grin that only goes to show  
That I could never have such control  
Every time you leave  
Every time you leave I wanna go

***

The first thing Sirius was aware of in the morning were the even, steady breaths of Remus from somewhere beside him. 

Sirius had never woken to a more comforting sound. 

Cracking open an eyelid, he took in the shafts of early spring sunlight streaming through the blinds, making dust motes swirl languidly in the air; Remus was fast asleep, curled up with his hand cradling his cheek and one of his ankles tucked under Sirius’ leg. It was as though they had sought out contact from each other even in sleep, and the thought made Sirius smile slightly despite himself.

In that moment, the memory of the previous night came flooding back to him in a dizzying rush, and Sirius could not help the small sound that escaped his throat.

The dream. 

Regulus. 

And the thought he had had upon waking from that terrible nightmare that had made the whole thing quite unbearable; that Sirius had not even been invited to Regulus’ funeral. He could not have gone even if he had wanted to- and he _had_ wanted to. James had apparently called Walburga, begging her to tell her son when and where it was going to take place- but, to no surprise on Sirius’ part, she had refused. 

Sirius dug his nails into his palm to prevent the tears from welling up in his eyes. 

To his surprise, however, he found the edges of a metal object biting into his palm, instead. It was small and warm from the contact with his skin- curious, Sirius raised the object to his eyes examining it in the buttery morning sunlight.

It was a locket. It was silver, delicately crafted with the letter H on the front in a curly script, and a small clasp on the side which suggested that it did open. Sirius pried it open, swallowing a shallow pang of disappointment when he found the small compartment to be empty. 

A quiet noise of amusement made him turn his head to find Remus watching him examine the locket- which, Sirius realised, must have been Remus’. The memory of the night they had first met in the club swam to the forefront of his mind- Remus had been retrieving this very locket from the ground then! And how many times since then had Sirius seen him fiddling with something shiny, or holding something in his pocket which seemed to bring him comfort?

Remus’ green eyes were bright as he watched Sirius realise what it was that he held.

“This is yours?” Sirius asked finally, his voice hoarse with sleep.

“It’s yours now,” Remus said quietly- almost shyly.

Sirius frowned. “No, Moony, I can’t. Think of how much money you could get from this- to pay off Greyback! I can’t.”

Remus’ eyes immediately shuttered, and Sirius thought frantically back to what he might have said to offend him. Surely it wasn’t an insult to refuse to accept such a gift when Remus needed it so much more than Sirius.

“Greyback knows I have it,” Remus said finally, “and it’s the only thing of actual value he’s let me keep and not taken for himself to sell. It was… my mother’s,” he added hesitantly, his eyes flickering to Sirius to gauge his reaction. “And I didn’t ever even know her, but when I was little I used to tell myself that as long as I wore it I’d be safe. Like she was protecting me, from Heaven, or wherever she is. And…” he cleared his throat, looking away. “And I want you to have it. I want you to be protected.”

Sirius immediately dropped the locket on the bed sheets as though he had been burned. 

“Moony, there’s no way I can accept this! It was your mother’s… I’d never-”

“Well,” Remus interrupted gently, “hold on to if for me, then, yeah?” He picked up the locket from the blankets, pressing it into Sirius’ hand and curling his fingers around it.

“No, Moony…”

“As long as you have this,” Remus added quietly, his eyes insistently fixed on Sirius and banking with some inner fire, “then your nightmares won't harm you. For me, it was like my mother was always there for me, like a guardian angel. But now, when you’ve got it… it will be like _I’m_ there with you. Um. Oh, nevermind, forget I said that, that’s stupid,” Remus added self-consciously, looking away so that Sirius could only see the tips of his reddening ears.

“No,” Sirius replied, slipping the locket over his head and under his t-shirt, “it’s not. Thank you. And not just for the locket. For, um, being there for me. You know, last night.” It was Sirius’ turn to look away in embarrassment, but to his surprise, Remus caught his hand and brushed a feather light kiss over his cheek.

“I will always be here for you, Sirius,” Remus murmured, and the sound of his name on Remus’ lips sent a pang of white-hot electricity through him.

Sirius wound his hands through Remus’ hair, roughly pulling the other boy’s lips towards his own- and it was just as he expected, just as he imagined during the hours of the day when he caught Remus looking at him with a twinkling look in his eyes, knowing that he was thinking about just the same thing. 

And it took Sirius’ breath away.

It _literally_ took his breath away. He could not breathe. His tongue felt large and obtrusive in his throat and his lips swollen; he was having an allergic reaction.

Remus pulled back as if to say something, but the sight of Sirius’ face made the words die in his throat.

“Sirius?” Remus asked worriedly.

Sirius made to respond, but found himself unable to talk.

Buzzing panic- and annoyance at what this was interrupting- rising in his ears, he gestured wordlessly to the bedside table, where he always kept a spare epipen for emergencies.

Remus leapt to his feet, alarmed, and rummaged through the messy drawer, pulling out the small epiper with the look of a startled deer. Sirius’ thoughts were beginning to turn cloudy with panic.

“James- or maybe Marlene-” Remus began, but Sirius shook his head. He held out his hand, indicating to Remus to hand him the small object, and without further ado Sirius unceremoniously stabbed the orange end into his outer thigh- through the thin fabric of his pyjama trousers and all.

After a moment, when the whirling maelstrom of Sirius’ thoughts had finally abated somewhat and his breaths were flowing easier, Sirius laughed with some difficulty past the lingering tightness in his throat. He turned to see Remus standing by the bedside table, casting worried glances between him and something bright blue and colourful sticking out of the bin in Sirius’ room.

“Um,” Remus began apologetically, “you’re not allergic to peanuts, are you?”

Sirius rose onto his elbows to peer over the edge of the edge of the bin, where an empty pack of M&Ms was innocently lying. 

“Moony,” Sirius groaned, his voice coming out thick and croaky, “when did you even eat those?”

“An hour ago!” Remus replied defensively, turning his apologetic gaze onto Sirius as he sat heavily on the bed. “I’m so sorry, Sirius, I honestly didn’t know, and-” 

Remus trailed off, a smile twitching at his lips and Sirius broke into earnest laughter. 

“Moony! Why the fuck were you eating chocolate at-” Sirius checked his phone for the time. “At 6am? Are you actually crazy?”

“I couldn’t sleep!” Remus replied hotly, though he was smiling. “And I just- really, _really_ fancied some chocolate, and I must have packed it in my bag before I came here. I’m so sorry, though, I honestly had no clue.”

“It’s honestly fine,” Sirius replied warmly, amusement colouring his tone. And Sirius couldn't stop thinking about how concerned Remus was acting, like he genuinely _cared_ , and the bright spark of worry and protectiveness in his eyes... “Is it bad that I still really, _really_ want to kiss you right now, even though I know your lips are currently deadly to me?” The huskiness in his tone had nothing to do with the allergic reaction he had just experienced.

Remus shot Sirius a slightly scandalised expression, rising hurriedly to his feet. 

“I’m gonna, um, go brush my teeth. God, you’re not having a good night at all.” His expression was serious, but he broke into a smile at Sirius’ low chuckle.

“Any night that you’re here,” Sirius said warmly, “is a good night, in my book.”

The fleeting smile on Remus’ face before he disappeared from the room was enough to make Sirius’ toes curl, syrupy warmth enveloping him from head to toe.

And Sirius was suddenly reminded of a quote from Remus’ book, which rang out in Sirius’ head in Remus’ voice; it must have been from the passage he was reading to Sirius last night for him to fall asleep after his nightmare.

_He is half of my soul, as the poets say._

***

“And tell me again, how did you have an allergic reaction, if you didn’t actually _eat_ any of the M&Ms yourself?” James’ tone was gleeful. “Moony ate them- isn’t that right, Remus?”

“How d’you think, James,” Sirius replied testily before Remus had a chance to respond, picking moodily at his toast.

“Ugh, leave them alone,” Marlene added with a roll of her eyes, but Mary was grinning between Sirius and Remus with enough delight to rival James. 

“So,” Remus began quickly, clearly eager to change the subject, “Sirius said it’s your birthday week after next, James. Any plans?”

“Yeah actually,” James said cheerfully, visibly brightening. “Haven’t seen my folk since Summer, and I promised I’d spend my birthday at theirs seeing as we get a week off uni for Easter. And you’re all invited, of course. Marlene, ask Luna if she’d like to come too. And Remus, you’ll be coming too, I hope?”

Remus looked at Sirius, uncertainty flickering in his eyes.

“Yeah, come on, Remus,” Mary encouraged, “I’ve taken the whole week off from work just for this. They have the nicest house in the lake district, you’d love it.”

Sirius smiled reassuringly at Remus, and something in his chest loosened imperceptibly as Remus returned James’ smile, nodding. “Yeah, I’d love to come. Thanks.”

And that was that.

“Oh, by the way,” Marlene said, looking up at James from her phone. “The uni is doing a charity football match this afternoon, you going? It’s boys and girls, we’d be on the same team.”

“Hell yeah,” James replied enthusiastically, almost knocking over his glass of orange juice. “Hey, Padfoot, you in?”

“Nah,” Sirius replied, smiling. “I’d much rather watch.” Sirius didn’t miss the slight flicker of disappointment in Remus’ eyes; he grinned inwardly.

“Suit yourself,” James replied with a shrug as he bit into his toast, crumbs flying everywhere. 

“Sirius has got the right idea,” Marlene replied with a wicked grin, shoving James playfully. “Prepare to eat dust.”

“Marlene!” James sounded scandalised. “We’re on the same team!”

“Yeah, well,” she replied, waving a hand absently. “If I trip you up, don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s for charity; everyone loves a bit of cheeky football drama.”

Mary snorted.

***

The stands of the small football stadium were packed; even more so that the games that James usually dragged Sirius along to, and the excited roar of the crowd put an infectious smile on Sirius’ face so that he was grinning like a fool for no reason at all. Mary was squashed in the sea next to Sirius and Remus, tapping away intently at something on her phone.

“Whatcha doing?” Sirius asked his friend, nudging her with his shoulder and nodding towards her phone.

“Oh!” Mary looked up, grinning. “Marls invited Luna. I mean, the tickets are for charity, right? So I guess, why not.”

“Yeah,” said a dreamy voice to Sirius’ left, and he turned to see Luna dressed in an interesting assortment of stripes and polka dots in such an array of vibrant colours that Sirius didn’t quite know where to look, and a cheerful-looking redhead beside her.

“Lily!” Mary said with surprise, “Marlene never said you were coming too!”

“Oh, Luna said it was for charity,” Lily replied happily, plonking down in the spare seat next to Remus. Her face instantly paled for some reason as she noted her present company. “Is he- is James here too?” she whispered, looking around here as though expecting to see the good-natured, messy-haired boy emerging from the stands any second. 

Mary laughed. “No, James is playing too! Him and Marlene will be on the same side.”

“Oh.” Lily seemed to sag with relief, though oddly enough there was a tinge of disappointment in her eyes.

“What, you changed your mind about him after all? Can’t wait to get him on his own after the game, eh?” Sirius asked cheekily, laughing at Lily’s squawk of indignation and easily dodging the rucksack she attempted to smack him with.

“I see you’re using the new bag he got you,” Remus noted observantly, nodding towards the bag she was clenching from her failed attempt at aggression.

“Yeah.” Lily rolled her eyes. “But it’s not like it was some amazing gift, or anything, he shouldn’t have ruined my other one in the first place!”

Remus laughed, pointing at one of the badges on her rucksack and saying something about it- apparently it was a band he also liked. There was a flush of colour high on his cheeks from the cool Spring air, and his eyes sparkled as he laughed in response to one of Lily’s dry remarks; Sirius felt that his heart was full to bursting, seeing Remus there laughing so openly with his friends. 

“You really like him, huh?” Mary murmured to Sirius with a knowing smile in her warm brown eyes.

Sirius tutted. “Mind your own business, MacDonald,” he said with a dramatic roll of his eyes, but he couldn’t help the smile from bursting on his face.

“Look, I think something is starting,” Remus said, nudging Sirius and gesturing down to the pitch where, indeed, the players were starting to walk on. Marlene waved enthusiastically up at them, blowing a kiss to Luna who smiled softly in response, mouthing something back to Marlene that made her laugh.

As James walked on, his gaze went to where Marlene’s was fixed on the crowd, his mouth falling open and his face going slightly slack with shock as he noted Lily sat with them. He gave a small shake of his head, jogging into position, though there was a disbelieving, joyful sort of aura about him as he shook hands with the other players. 

“What was that about?” Remus asked Lily with raised eyebrows.

“Um, I’ve no clue,” Lily replied, though she blushed red to the roots of her hair.

“It’s starting now, shush,” reprimanded Remus, tapping Sirius’ leg impatiently with his eyes fixed on the pitch, his heart leaping at the casual contact.

***

“I noticed you didn’t take your eyes off James for the whole game,” Marlene noted with raised eyebrows as she stood with Lily and the others by the edge of the pitch, waiting for James to finish up in the changing rooms. “And here I was, thinking Luna brought you to watch _me_. I should’ve known you had an ulterior motive.”

“Oh, shut up, I had no clue he’d be here too,” Lily replied with a shake of her head, though there was a small, embarrassed smile playing about her lips.

“You were amazing down there,” Luna observed happily to her girlfriend, and Marlene grinned in response, leaning in for a kiss. “Knew you’d win.”

Sirius looked over at his boyfriend- a thrill shot through him at the thought of the word- and smiled at Remus dressed in his soft leather jacket. He had been shivering so much despite the pleasant March weather and his two layers of sweaters that Sirius had draped the jacket over his shoulders, barely at the halfway point of the match.

Despite the fact that Remus was taller than Sirius, the jacket hung off his slender frame in a way that Sirius could not help but find rather endearing. And something else- something possessive deep in his chest nodded in approval at the sight of the other boy dressed in his clothes. 

“Hey!” James panted as he ran up to them, running a hand through his damp, freshly washed hair.

“What took you so long?” Marlene grouched good-naturedly as they began to head off together, Remus and Sirius swinging their joined hands in time with their footsteps. 

“Uh, nothing,” James replied off-handedly, though he stole a glance at Lily as he said so, who was trying her best to ignore his presence. Clearly, he had spent so long making sure he was presentable for Lily. Sirius suppressed his eye roll. 

“Hey, what do we say?” James asked later as they passed the Three Broomsticks, stopping on the threshold. “Drinks on me?”

“Yeah, go on then,” Mary said, but James was looking at Lily.

“Er, yeah, I guess I can stay for one drink,” she said, smiling nervously at James. Sirius watched as a spark of hopeful joy lit in his best friend’s eyes, and he really, _really_ hoped that Lily wouldn’t let him down. He knew that James acted like a dick sometimes, especially around Lily, but in his heart he was the kindest, purest soul that Sirius knew.

“Hey,” Remus said close to Sirius’ ear, a laugh bubbling in his voice. “Look.” He pointed to a sign hanging on the wall by the door of the pub. “Says no dogs allowed. Guess you’re not allowed, then, Sirius.”

Sirius glanced disbelievingly at Remus. That was something he’d have expected to come from James, not _him_ ; however, Sirius couldn’t keep the smile from his face as James high-fived Remus, who winked mischievously at Sirius as he pushed open the heavy wooden door and disappeared from view.

Sirius was smiling as he followed his friends into the pub.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics from freaks by surf curse

Don't kill me  
Just help me run away  
From everyone  
I need a place to stay  
Where I can cover up my face  
Don't cry

I am just a freak

My head is filled with parasites  
Black holes cover up my eyes  
I dream of you almost every night  
Hopefully I won't wake up this time

I won't wake up this time

***

“How the fuck can you already play a barre chord?” Sirius burst out indignantly, watching with a vaguely incredulous expression at Remus sat cross legged on the bed, strumming distractedly on Sirius’ guitar. Apparently his musical aptitude spanned across multiple instruments, not just piano; much to Sirius’ consternation. 

Remus looked up, an eyebrow raised, and made a low sound of amusement in the back of his throat. “What, afraid I’m gonna show you up?”

He must have seen something in Sirius’ expression, however, and he fondly placed the guitar on the bed, taking Sirius’ hand in his. “I’m just joking, Padfoot.”

Sirius brushed off Remus’ apology with a stilted laugh. But, if he was being honest, he felt like the guitar was the only thing he could do that Remus couldn’t. Remus was so… _amazing_ , so multifaceted- he could play piano as easily as breathing, he could draw so perfectly and capture the deepest essence of whatever he saw between the leaves of his notebook, and he was so well-read and was always throwing in references that Sirius didn’t even understand. And guitar was the only thing that was truly Sirius’, truly _his._ When he had left home at sixteen, it had felt like he could finally, finally breathe; like he didn’t have to live every second with cloying fear leaving a tangy scent in his nostrils. And he associated guitar with that freedom; guitar was _his,_ , and for some reason he felt like Remus playing it almost as well as he did was taking away the one thing that had always been his. Which was stupid- if he had to share this part of himself with anyone, he would have picked Remus.

“Hey.” James poked his head around the door, pulling Sirius from his tangled web of thoughts and making Remus’ head jerk up, startled. “Are you all packed? We’re one person too many to all fit in Marlene’s car, so Lily said she’d lend us her car for the week because she’s taking the train down to spend time with her grandparents for a bit.”

Sirius noted the way James stumbled over Lily’s name, saying it with a kind of practiced nonchalance. The day after the football match, she had spent the rest of the night sat by his side at the pub; they had spoken as if locked in their own little world, and they had disappeared for the rest of the night somewhere. When James had returned in the morning, he had a glassy, dazed sort of expression in his eyes and had cleverly evaded all of Mary’s prying questions. However, something was definitely going on between them; of that, Sirius was certain. 

“Yeah, that’s fine, Prongs,” Sirius replied.

“I was thinking the three of us three in Lily’s car and the girls in the other car?” James continued. “We’re gonna set off in an hour, maybe, so we get there before it gets dark.”

“Sirius,” Remus said when James had left, worrying his lips between his teeth and his eyebrows pitched together in a characteristic frown. “Are you sure?”

Sirius knew immediately what Remus meant. Was it okay that Sirius wanted to take Remus to his best friend’s parent’s house, potentially endangering yet even more people if Greyback were to ever find out just how much Sirius and his small circle of friends meant to Remus?

“Yes,” Sirius replied firmly, hoping that Remus could read the earnesty on his face. And he wasn’t making light of the Greyback situation, not at all. If Sirius was being completely honest, he hadn’t truly understood just how great of a shadow looming over Remus’ life Greyback actually was, until that day at Remus’ piano concert when he had seen the way Remus cowered in his presence, limping on his clearly injured ankle and that terrible scratch inflicted by Greyback’s nails running down his face. 

“Moony, everything will be okay. I promise. James’ folk live in the middle of bloody nowhere in the Lake District, there’s no way he’ll know where you are. There’s no way he’ll be able to follow us.” 

Sirius took Remus’ hand in his, hating the way his gaze was fixed on the floor, seemingly turned inwards on himself in conflict. He wished he could smooth away the worry at his brow, kiss away the frown on his lips. And he could- he often did- but it never lasted. The worry, the unspoken name _Greyback_ hovered in every darkened corner of the room, looming, darkening every one of Remus’ smiles with it’s ever present terror. Sirius wondered if it had always been like this- if, since Remus was eighteen, he had ever been able to smile without the weight of the consequences of his father’s debts eternally hanging over him. 

“Yeah, okay,” Remus finally relented. 

Sirius grinned, pressing a feather light kiss the other boy’s temple before retrieving Remus’ empty duffel bag from under the bed. “Come on, then, let’s pack.”

Remus’ few possessions had been neatly tucked away in Sirius drawer, all worn sweaters and cuffed corduroy trousers folded neatly in an almost ridiculous juxtaposition between the strewn items of Sirius’ mainly black clothing across the bottom of the drawers.

Something about the sight warmed Sirius’ heart.

***

“You’re gonna love them,” Sirius said to Remus with a wide grin as they got out from the car, James stretching his legs with a grimace as he unfolded them from the cramped back seat of Lily’s white fiat 500. “Seriously, James’ parents are quite literally the best people you’ll ever meet. They’re basically my parents, at this point.”

James shot Sirius a knowing smile at that; he had been there when Fleamont and Euphemua Potter had finally found out what had happened to Sirius as a child and why he had run away; and Sirius was pretty sure that if Bellatrix hadn’t already been in prison for endless counts of sexual assault, the Potters would have done everything they could to put her there. And it had taken a lot of convincing on Sirius’ part to get them to agree not to ‘have words’ with Walburga and Orion. Whatever that meant. But Sirius knew that it wouldn’t have ended well for him, so they had grudgingly dropped the matter.

“Boys!” The plump, smiling figure of Euphemia Potter appeared in the doorway of their large countryside house, beaming at Sirius and James in turn. “And you must be Remus, Jamie has told me all about you.” She turned her warm, motherly gaze on Remus.

Remus looked bewildered at the attention, shooting an uncertain glance in Sirius’ direction who smiled at him as encouragingly as possible. He imagined that Remus must feel much the same way that Sirius had felt upon first visiting the Potters that first Christmas break from University; he had never had a true family, a true _mother,_ and the idea that Euphemia was so willing to be that for him with no strings attached had been overwhelming to his eighteen year old self. 

“The girls are already here,” Euphemia added, oblivious to Remus’ discomfort, “they’re already unpacking in their rooms.”

Sirius took Remus’ hand, leading him inside. The air was fresh and smelled distinctly like _home,_ in a way that Grimmauld Place had never done. The gentle warmth of the spring sun and the lulling sounds of birds singing by the nearby lake was like a balm on the senses, reminding Sirius of the past few summers spent here since the start of University; and the feeling that he really had a family.

“Fuck!” Remus exclaimed a while later. James’ childhood house was big enough that they all had separate rooms; from Marlene and Luna’s disgruntled expressions when Sirius passed them on the familiar corridor to his room, they weren’t too pleased about the arrangement either. “I didn’t even think to get James a present. And we’re literally here for his birthday, and it’s not like I have time to get one before tomorrow, even if there were any shops nearby. Fuck _me_.”

Remus had already dumped his bag in one of the guest rooms and they were now both sitting on the bed in the room Sirius stayed in wherever he can over for holidays- he had a few ABBA posters up on the walks and already had some clothes in the chest of drawers. 

Sirius laughed. “It’s okay, Moony, I’m sure Prongs wouldn’t have expected you to. And besides, we’ll say mine is a joint gift from me and you. No big deal.”

Remus shot Sirius a slightly incredulous look, though there was warmth in his eyes. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but the loud sound of the front door slamming interrupted them, Remus jerking back with a start. 

“Boys?” Fleamont Potter’s cheerful, booming voice resounded through the house, and Sirius leapt to his feet with a grin.

“It’s James’ dad,” he explained to Remus before barreling downstairs, where the others were already greeting Fleamont, Euphemia looking on fondly.

“Sirius!” Fleamont exclaimed from where he had finished hugging James and introducing himself to Luna (he had already met Mary and Marlene). “And you must be?” He turned his sparkling gaze onto Remus, who was standing rather nervously at Sirius’ side.

“I’m Remus, sir. Sirius’... uh.” He looked at Sirius nervously. “Sirius’ boyfriend.”

Sirius smiled, a feeling of warmth settling deep in the pit of his stomach and all the way to his toes at the words as Fleamont shook Remus’ hand with a beaming smile.

“Call me Monty, Remus. God knows everyone else does,” Fleamont added with a laugh, peering at Mary and Marlene through his glasses.

After that, they all eased comfortably back into the familiar routine from all the other times Sirius spent holidays at the Potters, with cheerful conversation in abundance and Euphemia’s amazing cooking in no short supply.

“So, Luna,” Euphemia began as they all sat around the dinner table, the gentle clinking of silverware and friendly lulling chatter alongside the warm glow of the lamps serving to make Sirius pleasantly drowsy. “What is it you’re studying? Marlene never mentioned.”

“Zoology,” Luna replied dreamily, “and I’d really like to work in animal conservation.”

“Oh, that’s nice, dear,” Euphemia replied with a smile. “Actually, I know someone who works in that field, remind me to introduce you sometime. And what about you, Remus? What are you studying?” Euphemua turned her warm, motherly gaze onto Remus.

Remus cleared his throat from where he was sitting beside Sirius, looking down into his roast dinner with rosy cheeks. “I take a few classes at the Royal College of Music. I play piano in concert sometimes, and I’m probably just gonna end up doing that.”

It went unnoticed to everyone else around the table, the conversation moving swiftly on, but Sirius heard the bitterness in his voice, and saw the way Remus’ knuckles had gone white around his cutlery.

And Sirius understood- piano, which clearly must have once been Remus’ passion, had now been warped and twisted into something else, something _poisonous,_ because of Greyback. Because Remus didn’t really have a choice in the matter, did he? He had to make money to pay off Lyall’s debts, and the only way he could do so was through piano. It wasn’t _his_ anymore.

And Sirius didn’t know what he could do.

For the rest of the meal, Remus was subdued and withdrawn, only speaking to answer questions in a clipped, terse tone.

And that night, when the door of Remus’ guest room closed behind him with a resounding thud, Sirius did not follow him.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW abusive relationship
> 
> song lyrics from 'time' by david bowie

I had so many dreams,  
I had so many breakthroughs  
But you, my love, were kind, but love has left you dreamless  
The door to dreams was closed.  
Your park was real dreamless  
Perhaps you're smiling now,  
smiling through this darkness  
But all I had to give was the guilt for dreaming

***

The following day was James’ birthday, and Remus acted as though the events of the previous day had not happened, an uncharacteristic twinkle in his eyes. The day was unseasonably warm, the beginning of Summer on the horizon, so they all went down to the lake a large picnic basket stuffed to the brim with Euphemia’s homemade sandwiches and chilled bottles of Rattler.

“So,” Sirius began when they were all seated on a patch of grass, heads tilted back to soak up the warmth of the sun seeping deep into their bones, “time for presents!”

Marlene and Luna had gifted him an expensive looking, full colour display calculator which he rolled his eyes at, but tucked precisely into his bag nonetheless. Mary got him a very ugly yellow sweater which he immediately donned despite the heat, giving him a very pallid-looking complexion; and when he opened Remus and Sirius’ joint present, he tipped his head back and laughed with abandon. Sirius had spent ages looking for the perfect gift for James, and the costume of a stag, complete with headband antlers, was as close to it as Sirius could find. Sirius often teased him that his spirit animal would be a stag, made even more perfect by his nickname ‘Prongs,’ because James’ bed hair in the morning often stood up in two distinct tufts on his head, much like the antlers of a stag.

“You’re not gonna like this idea,” James began when the presents had been opened and food had finished, empty cider bottles littering the picnic blankets. “Mum said it’d be a good idea for us to go on a hike for a few days, round the lakes, and we can camp in the fields overnight. Apparently the weather’s gonna be good. Mum says we need to get the London pollution out of our system.” He rolled his eyes in mock exasperation, and Sirius shook his head fondly. The fact that Euphemia so genuinely had their best interests at heart never failed to shake him to his core, having never experienced even the smallest kernel of genuine love from Walburga- or anyone else before he met the Potters, for that matter.

“Sounds good,” Marlene said enthusiastically from where she was laying on the picnic mat with her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder, Mary nodding her assent.

“And,” James continued, “if it’s okay with you guys, I messaged my friend from school, Peter, and he’s in the area visiting his parents. So if you all don’t mind, I’ve said he can meet us at the campsite and maybe come back with us for a bit?”

They all nodded in agreement.

“It’s not far, is it? I mean, it’s not a lot of walking?” Remus asked. He was sitting cross-legged, so close that his knee was pressing into Sirius’ thigh, and he had a slightly worried look in his eyes. 

“Why?” James asked, peering concernedly through his glasses at Remus. “I mean, will you be okay with it? We don’t have to go, there’s a ton of other stuff we can do- I can tell mum to keep her nose out of our business,” he added with a flash of a smile.

Of course- Sirius had completely forgotten about Remus’ seizures. He had claimed that alcohol was a trigger, so maybe physical exertion was as well. Sirius felt a sudden hot, prickly rush of shame that he didn’t even know that much about his boyfriend’s health in the first place, and that he hadn’t even thought to check he would be okay with the Lake District trip in the first place. His mother was right. He could be so, so self-absorbed sometimes, and it was no wonder that-

“Hey,” James began, eyeing Sirius’ face. “You okay?” James always seemed to know when something was up.

“Yeah.” Sirius shot him a grateful, if slightly strained, smile. 

“No, it’s okay,” Remus said after a heartbeat. “You guys can go hiking, it’s your birthday after all. I’d never keep you all from something just because of me, and it’s only for a few days anyway. It’s fine. I don’t mind staying behind.”

“Well,” Sirius immediately said, “I’ll stay too.” He covered Remus’ hand with his own, a bolt of heat slicing through him at the contact- even after so long. He would never get used to Remus’ nearness.

At first, Sirius thought that Remus might protest, but then he pressed his knee into Sirius’ leg, offering him a smile. 

“Thanks, Padfoot.”

***

Lounging on a picnic mat in the sun by the lake, Sirius thought that he had never been more at peace. The soft sounds of the grass rustling in the gentle breeze and ripples spreading across the lake lulled Sirius into a peaceful stupor; Remus was lying by his side, the sun illuminating the delicate web of veins on the back of his closed eyelids, glowing with a red tinge in the sunlight. His breaths were slow and even; he may as well have been asleep if it weren’t for the slight distressed furrow between his brows.

And maybe it was selfish, but Sirius couldn’t stand the sight of Remus frowning, even as he relaxed.

“Hey,” Sirius began, reaching out to brush one of Remus’ golden curls from his forehead. Remus’ eyes opened slowly, squinting as he blinked through the dazzling sunlight.

“Hi,” Remus replied with the ghost of a smile; and Sirius was hit by a comparison so strong that he couldn’t help but blurt it out. He had never been one for metaphors, for poetry or foreshadowing or any of that nonsense, hence why he had gone into the stoic, steadfast field of maths. But this...

“You’re Achilles!”

“What?” Remus asked with a puzzled frown, moving sleepily into a sitting position and pushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Yeah,” Sirius continued excitedly, ignoring the embarrassed blush slowly rising up his neck, “in the Song of Achilles, you’re Achilles… and I guess that makes me Patroclus, then!”

Remus’ favourite book was a greek tragedy told from the perspective of Patroclus who, exiled by his father to live in the court of Peleus, fell in love with his host's son, the superhuman Achilles. From childhood, Achilles’ demi-god status means he was swifter, more beautiful and more skilled than all his peers. Astonishingly to Patroclus's eyes, Achilles returned his love, and the two boys grew into adulthood and a love affair. Achilles remained a godlike figure to Patroclus, and Sirius wondered how he hadn’t made the comparison before. Remus, with his dark blonde hair that shone golden in the sunlight, the faint freckles spattered across his face as though flung there carelessly by the hand of a god, and above all, his unwavering fear and determination to protect those he loved from Greyback? Yes. Remus was Achilles.

Remus leant forwards suddenly, an intense and mildly shocked expression on his face.

“Sirius,” he began, his tone soft and reverent, “don’t you see? I’m not Achilles- _you_ are. You have been from the start. I often wonder if maybe that’s why this had been my favourite book for so long- deep down, I was just waiting for you to come into my life, and before I even knew you, Achilles reminded me of you. It’s always been you.”

Sirius stared at Remus, a lump in his throat and words on his tongue that he didn’t know how to say. A surge of feelings, of pure _emotion_ rose dizzying up from the pit of his stomach, and he felt a glowing warmth that had absolutely nothing to do with the heat of the sun spreading through him like molten caramel.

“Remus, you don’t-” Sirius began, but Remus lazily traced a finger lightly over the bare skin of Sirius’ arms, sending a shiver down Sirius’ spine and effectively cutting off his train of thought with a strangled gasp.

Remus smiled with a grin bordering on wolfish, pulling Sirius in by his t-shirt and pressing his lips insistently against Sirius’. Electricity fizzed through his veins, sparking and popping, and buzzing lightness filling his head. As with all their kisses, it was as if the entire world narrowed down to the points of contact between them; Remus’ hand grazing against Sirius’ neck, his other resting gently on Sirius’ knee for support, and of course, the devastating softness of the other boy’s lips.

Wars could be fought, entire cities could be razed down and forged anew for the feeling that coursed through Sirius in that moment.

***

The day before the others were meant to return, Sirius was sitting watching trashy daytime television with James’ parents in the Potters’ living room, Remus curled up beside him with his feet tucked under Sirius’ thighs for warmth.

Remus had had another of his seizures earlier that day during lunch with the Potters, and Euphemia was now watching over him like a hawk, forcing glass after glass of water into his hands and glancing over at him with pursed lips ever so often. James had evidently already told his parents about Remus’ epilepsy, with nothing but kindness and concern in his heart as usual, and it was only 8pm when Euphemua ushered them both upstairs and to bed.

“We’re grown men, you know!” Sirius exclaimed indignantly as she all but pushed them both up the stairs, but there was a smile on his face.

“Yes, you can both be grown men when one of you isn’t dead on his feet.” She motioned towards Remus, who apparently didn’t even have the energy to argue back. His eyes were heavy lidded, most of his weight on Sirius as they trudged slowly up the stairs, Euphemia tutting loudly at their backs. Maybe she was right.

Remus fell asleep the instant they stepped foot in Sirius’ bedroom, dropping like a stone on the bed, fully clothed and all. 

Sirius thought back to the first time he had witnessed one of Remus’ seizures, and the days of sleep he had needed in the aftermath. A familiar helpless feeling rose in his throat as he recalled how Remus’ limbs had jerked- this time, he hadn’t seemed to know he was about to have a seizure the way he had that day in the pub, and he had simply collapsed walking to the tap to refill the water jug. The sound of the jug smashing and Euphemia’s shocked scream were still ringing in his ears, even hours later.

The sharp sound of Remus’ phone buzzing from his jacket pocket roused Sirius from his thoughts, jerking him back to the present. Remus was curled up on his side on the bed, dead to the world; the alert from his phone hadn’t managed to pull him from his stupor.

Sirius didn’t want any further buzzing to disturb his boyfriend; he knew how much Remus needed to sleep after a seizure in order to recover, and he didn’t want his phone to disturb him. 

Silently, Sirius padded over to the bed and pulled out Remus’ phone from where it was already half falling out of his pocket, flicking the small switch on the side to silent. 

The screen display briefly lit up as he did so, the buzz of an incoming text being swiftly cut off, and Sirius unwittingly caught sight of a long, long chain of unopened texts from someone called Fenrir. _Who was that?_ Remus hadn’t mentioned anyone called Fenrir to him. The sharp sting of betrayal burned in Sirius’ throat, dredging up his own old insecurities with it. Why was Remus texting other boys- other boys he hadn’t even told Sirius about, at that! They hadn’t been going out exclusively for long, but surely there could only be one reason for Remus not telling Sirius about this Fenrir person, who clearly meant enough to Remus to send him text after text. Even now, as Sirius clenched Remus’ phone in his white-knuckled hands, the screen was lighting up with new messages flooding in. 

And Sirius, knowing it was _wrong_ and feeling repulsed by himself and what he was about to do, unlocked the phone with the passcode he always saw Remus tapping in, swiping open the messages app.

And Sirius immediately knew that he had got it all wrong.

These texts were decidedly _not_ from another lover, or anything of the sort; far from it. And yet, even so, Sirius found himself quite unable to stop reading, even as he felt the familiar prickly feeling of shame that he could even have thought so low of Remus, no matter how brief the moment had lasted.

A hot, blinding flush of _rage_ descended on him and he read the texts, clouding his vision and causing the phone to shake in his hands. 

_(10:04) where have you gone?_

_(10:19) dont ask how i know. havent i told you? I have eyes everywhere_

_(11:53) i know about him. Your little boyfriend. if you dont tell me where you are this will not end well for him. or for you_

_(19:54) you think i didnt know exactly who he was when you brought him to your concert? foolish boy_

_(20:01) i will give you a week. if you are not back by a week it will be more than just your ankle this time_

_(20:03) remember how it felt when i crushed your ankle under the piano stool? reckon your boyfriend would appreciate some of the same treatment too?_

_(20:04) you should be grateful when i scratched your face that I left your eye untouched_

_(20:04) a week, boy. if you aren’t at your concert in a week..._

Fenrir was _undeniably_ Greyback.

The rage fizzled out into something much, much worse. Into helplessness. The stress from such blatantly abusive texts must have been what caused Remus' seizure earlier.

And as Sirius curled up next to Remus, resolving to talk to him about this is the morning, he was struck by an unwelcome thought.

_Did they really know each other at all?_


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics from 'its u' by cavetown

Your silhouette doesn't look quite right  
And I can never find the time  
To bury my hands in words  
I'd grow a new kind of evergreen tree, just for you and me  
On second thoughts, will you even remember me?

***

When Remus woke the next day, a light in his eyes that hadn’t been there the previous day, Sirius decided to broach the conversation about Greyback’s texts at another time. Remus seemed surprised at how much better he felt that morning, only a day after his seizure; the lively spark in his eyes only guttered briefly as he scrolled through his phone, clearly reading the messages from Greyback. But just as Sirius opened his mouth to say something, a determined, forceful sort of light shone on Remus’ face, and Sirius didn’t have the heart to destroy the illusion of happiness that Remus was clearly working so hard to create.

It was almost midday when the others returned from their hike, a short, ruddy-looking boy in tow- Peter. He had a pallid, youthful sort of complexion and watery blue eyes, and Sirius couldn’t help but notice with mild surprise how Luna was shooting the boy suspicious, despising glances. Luna was always so mild and saw the good in _everyone_ , and Sirius couldn’t help but wonder what Peter must have done to get her to glare at him with such open hatred.

“Bet you loved that time away from us.” Sirius said with a grin as he greeted James, clapping him on the shoulder. 

“Yeah,” James replied sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. “Bloody couples everywhere! Luna and Marlene were so loud last night that me and Pete had to move our tent further away from theirs.”

“Try being in the same tent as them!” Mary burst out indignantly. “I come back from having a wee in a bush and they’re going at it.” Peter looked scandalised. “On my sleeping bag! Not five minutes I was gone,” she grumbled.

Luna flushed delicately, but Marlene laughed deeply, slinging an arm around her girlfriend and pulling her closer. 

“Hey, how come you’ve not got a boyfriend, Mary?” Peter asked suddenly, his beady eyes fixed on Mary. “Or- you know, someone?”

Mary surveyed him cooly, raising a finely arched eyebrow. 

“Why?” she asked, her tone frosty. “Do I need someone to make me whole? Am I somehow worth _less_ just because I’m not in a relationship?” 

Mary was beautiful and formidable, a tempest in human form, and Sirius was glad in that moment that he was not Peter on the receiving end of her ire. 

“No- I didn’t- I don’t-“ Peter stammered, his face flushing beet red. 

‘You didn’t what?” Mary asked coldly, Luna glaring at Peter with renewed vigor.

“It’s okay, Pete,” James laughed, slinging an arm across his friend’s shoulders. Peter’s face was screwed up in discomfort, and Sirius rather thought that it gave him a very distinct rodent-like appearance. “Come on,” James continued, “I’m so sweaty after all that hiking, who fancies a swim in the lake?”

The lake behind the Potters’ house was large, glistening in the midday sun with ripples spreading languidly out like gleaming diamonds. The air stirred gently, wafting fragrant smells of Euphemia’s cooking towards their place on the shore.

Marlene and Luna had gone off on their own somewhere, teased mercilessly by James and Mary who were now competitively splashing at each other in the shallows, their indignant shrieks ever so often punctuating the otherwise peaceful calm. Peter was trailing James like a persistent shadow, his watery eyes fixed on Mary’s torso in her two-piece swimming costume in a way that made Sirius want to punch Peter’s teeth down his throat. How James was friends with such a pathetic human being was genuinely beyond him.

“You aren’t coming in?” Sirius asked Remus, jerking his head toward the lake. Sirius noted how Remus made no move to remove his shirt- and he wasn’t even wearing swimwear like the rest of them, having gone into the house to change before coming out to the lake.

“Uh,” Remus began, running his hands self-consciously over his upper arms- as he so often did when he was uncomfortable, Sirius noticed. “I can’t actually… uh, I can’t swim.”

Sirius felt oddly light-headed for a moment, feeling the ground sway dizzyingly beneath him for a brief, terrifying moment. And all he knew was that he absolutely _had_ to teach Remus how to swim.

“Come on, it’s not that hard!” Sirius said jovially, forcing his tone to pass as nonchalant as he attempted to pull Remus closer to the water by his elbow. His feet, however, were firmly planted in the ground. 

“No, Sirius, just drop it!” Remus exclaimed hotly, tugging his arm out of Sirius’ reach.

“Why?” Sirius asked, thrown by the fire he found in Remus’ green eyes.

“Because!” Remus' eyes flickered to the locket pooling in the hollow of Sirius’ throat and he turned away, but Sirius caught the moment his expression softened. “I never learnt when I was little because my- uh, dad thought the risk with my seizures just wasn’t worth it. And then, after he- afterwards, I never managed to learn on my own. And I know it’s stupid, but I’ve never liked the water. I guess I’m a bit afraid.”

Remus glanced up at Sirius, as though trying to gauge his reaction to that statement. But Sirius’ heart seemed to be pounding out a persistent rhythm- a name, actually.

_Regulus._

Because his brother hadn’t known how to swim, and Sirius would be damned if he let the same thing happen to anyone else he loved.

“At least- come put your feet in the shallows?” Sirius asked hesitantly. "I guess it probably wouldn't help if I told you there's a rumour of a giant squid living in this lake.”

Sirius forced himself to grin wryly, pushing all thoughts of his brother down, down, down.

And as Remus took a deep, fortifying breath, tuning to face Sirius fully as he stepped bracingly into the shallow water, a deep rift in Sirius’ heart that he hadn’t even realised was there began to heal.

***

“Tell me something about yourself, Moony,” Sirius asked softly, his voice soft and dreamlike in the light of the hazy evening sun hanging low on the horizon.

“What?” Remus asked, propping himself up on his elbows as the sound of the others splashing about in the lake drifted toward them. James and Peter were having a rather serious game of chess on the shore while Marlene and Luna had finally decided to brave the water, goofily splashing around as though they didn’t have a care in the world. 

“You know,” Sirius continued, peering earnest at Remus. “Something that I don’t know.” Last night it had occurred to Sirius how little they actually even knew each other, despite the months spanning between then and the night they met in the club. And watching Remus’ golden silhouette, a modern Achilles if there ever was one, Sirius knew that he _wanted_ to know Remus in a way that no one, not even Greyback, did. Especially not Greyback.

The subject of the abusive messages from last night had remained on the tip of his tongue for the whole day, burning a smouldering hole of righteous anger through Sirius every time he thought of it. But Remus clearly was aware of the messages, and was acting as though nothing was out of the ordinary, and Sirius was loath to destroy the illusion of holiday peace and calm that had been created. Although the mere fact that Remus was behaving as though such texts were nothing to bat an eyelid at suggested that this was a regular occurrence, and that in itself made Sirus want to hunt down Greyback and put a knife through his neck.

“Where’s this coming from?” Remus asked, a smile in his voice.

“I just- I was thinking, we don’t really know each other, you know? Apart from the basic stuff. Like, what’s your happiest memory?”

Remus’ mouth quirked up at the corner. “My happiest memory?”

“Well, now that you say it,” Sirius mumbled, his cheeks flushing, “it sounds stupid. Forget it.” Sirius lay back, resolutely screwing his eyes shut.

“No,” Remus continued, his voice straining with amusement. “I’ve actually never even thought about what my happiest memory is. I don’t know… um, can I pass this question?”

Sirius sat up, crossing his legs beneath him. If Remus was determined to take this seriously, then so was he. 

“Wait,” Remus added before Sirius could think of another question. “You’ve got to tell me _your_ happiest memory.”

“Oh,” Sirius said, furrowing his brow. “I think… Either this one time Regulus and I went to the beach- we ran away from our parents and were there for the whole day. It’s the closest we’ve ever been. Either that, or the first time I came here, actually. James realised that I was just going to stay at uni over Christmas that first year and so he invited me here, and James’ parents were just so welcoming, I- well, I dunno. It’s just the happiest I’ve ever felt.”

Sirius looked down, feeling unnervingly as though he had just been stripped bare.

Remus tilted his head, smiling softly at Sirius in a way that told him he _understood._

“So,” Remus asked, his voice soft as thistledown, “what’s your question for me, then?”

“Hmm… favourite movie? Favourite song? Favourite colour?” Sirius listed, thinking of all the things he didn’t know about Remus.

Remus laughed, the sound light and tinkling. “Wow, you’ve really thought these through. Um, favourite movie- definitely the lion king. No competition. An absolute classic.”

Sirius smiled, picturing Remus engrossed in a Disney film. 

“And,” Remus continued thoughtfully, “I’m not sure what my favorite song is. I guess I can’t say something classical?” He smiled wryly, and Sirius chuckled. “But, honestly, I only really listen to classical stuff. I’m boring, I know.” He scrunched up his nose, deep in thought. “I guess you’re gonna say ABBA,” he said suddenly, looking in amusement as Sirius.

Sirius looked down at where Remus was looking; his shirt was adorned with the members of ABBA, dressed in their iconic cat costume from 1975.

“Of course,” Sirius admitted, “but I’ve always loved Queen and Bowie, too.”

“Ooh, can’t go wrong with Bowie. And Queen- I absolutely love Nevermore.”

Sirius looked over at Remus incredulously. “I _love_ Nevermore!” 

Remus fumbled in his pocket for a moment, triumphantly drawing out his phone and a tangled pair of earphones. 

“Here,” he said somewhat smugly, offering Sirius an earbud and pulling open the spotify app on his phone and offering it to Sirius. Indeed, Remus’ spotify homepage was entirely composed of various classical albums and composers Sirius didn’t even know; he tapped swiftly on the search bar for the song in question- Queen’s ‘Nevermore.’

_There's no living in my life anymore  
The seas have gone dry  
And the rain's stopped falling  
Please don't you cry any more  
Can't you see  
Listen to the breeze  
Whisper to me please  
Don't send me to the path of nevermore_

Sirius turned surreptitiously, watching Remus. His eyes were closed, chewing his bottom lip absentmindedly and nodding ever so slightly in time to the music. 

As the short song neared the end, Sirius couldn’t help an elated grin from spreading across his face. The crescendo, the _emotion_ in Freddie Mercury’s voice-

Remus’ phone buzzed in Sirius’ hand, the vibration rocketing through his arm and making him jump. Remus, his eye still closed beside Sirius, didn’t seem to notice anything amiss.

_Why did you deceive me?  
You sent me to the path of Nevermore. _

(19.51) your boyfriend will find out about your lies soon enough, and it won’t take him long to leave you- like everyone else has. mark my words

“What?” Sirius burst out just as the song rang into silence, staring at the screen with his teeth clenched so hard that his jaw was starting to ache.

Remus opened his eyes, looking over curiously at what Sirius was staring at. When he saw the text notification at the top of the screen, his gaze hardened into chips of ice, the familiar wall snapping in place as he all but snatched the phone out of Sirius’ hands, yanking the earbuds out of their ears and shoving the phone into his pocket without even glancing at the message.

“It’s nothing,” Remus said curtly, his voice hard. 

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, to say that it most certainly was _not_ nothing; that he had already seen the texts the previous night, but Remus spoke before he had the chance.

“I shouldn’t be here,” he began, his voice strained. “I shouldn’t be endangering you like this, but I couldn’t leave because it’s _you._ And I didn’t see it then- but I do now. It’s selfish. I’m selfish. I can’t do this any more.”

The words buzzed in Sirius ears, hysteria rising in his throat. Because what Remus was saying- it sounded so much like Sirius’ own inner monologue, speaking to him from inside his head with his Walburga’s voice. And though it was entirely inappropriate at that moment, Sirius laughed.

“Why do you act like your situation is completely normal? Like it’s completely normal for some abusive guy who beats you up-” Sirius gestured to the still-healing scratch on Remus’ face “-to send you threatening texts, and if that’s not enough, to take one of your friends _hostage_ and bribe you with money to free her? Can’t you see how twisted that is?”

“Why do u have such a saviour complex?” Remus burst out, his voice distorted with anger. “Why do you think that you can fix everything? Can’t you see that if there was anything I could do to get me out of this fucking situation, then I would have? I’ve been trapped since eighteen, for god’s sake. Grow up, Sirius. Life isn’t all sunshine and friends and happiness; no matter how safe you might feel here, with James and the others, it isn’t _real._ Reality is waiting. It always is.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. He felt numb- there was a buzzing in his ears, and his head felt thick, like as if it were packed with cotton wool. 

“But that isn’t what reality should even _be_! Don’t you fucking get it? There _has_ to be something we can do!”

“There you go again, with your saviour complex!” Remus spat the last two words, and something about the venom in his voice sent a jagged spike straight through Sirius’ heart.

“You think I have a saviour complex?” Sirius said, his tone dripping with mocking anger. “Well, maybe I fucking do! And you know why? I didn’t get the chance to fix things with Regulus, to even _try_ to help him, and where is he now, hm? He is DEAD.” Sirius bellowed the last word, tears shining in his eyes that he refused to allow to fall. “And I will be fucking _damned_ if I let the same thing happen to you.”

Remus was silent at that, his lips a thin, trembling line. Sirius couldn’t figure out if he was shaking with anger or restraint.

“Well, fine,” Remus finally whispered. “If you are so determined to fix everything, then fix _this._ ”

That night, they slept in their separate rooms.

And when Sirius went into Remus’ room the next morning, intending to apologise and carrying a peace offering of a croissant and cup of tea, he found Remus’ bed neatly made and empty.

Remus was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i am coming to realise that i absolutely _love_ drama  
> hehe


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics from 'cold cold cold' by cage the elephant

And as the darkness falls it fills up both my eyes  
My life before me like a flash in the night  
With my arms open wide

***

The following day passed in a hazy blur; Sirius felt oddly disembodied, cut off from his emotions. He was aware of Euphemia and James both shooting him eerily similar glances of concern, and if he had been even slightly more mentally present he would have teased James mercilessly for taking on Euphemia’s ‘mother hen’ attitude. 

At one point, his phone had buzzed insistently from his pocket, and his heart had leapt to his throat as he fumbled for it, hoping against hope that it was Remus calling to say he had just gone on a long walk to clear his head and would be back any second, and that was all just a huge mistake. But it had just been an unknown number, and Sirius had shoved his phone back into his pocket without bothering to answer the call, feeling disgusted with himself for how eager he had been. 

After dinner, Sirius left the others playing a game of monopoly in the living room; he couldn’t bear to be around the others treading on eggshells around him, being overly cheerful to account for Sirius’ gloom. Worst of all, Peter was still there, and James’ jokes about how poor Peter was at keeping secrets apparently extended to an inability to keep his nose out of other people’s business. His constant questions were really grating on Sirius’ nerves. 

That was how he found himself in his bedroom at the Potter’s later that same evening, sitting cross-legged on his bed while twirling Remus’ locket absentmindedly in his fingers, staring unseeingly at a point on the wall.

“Hey.” A gentle knock on the door accompanied the dreamy voice. Luna. 

She pushed open the door, stepping into the room with a calm, genuine smile on her face which was so at odds with the way the others had been acting around him that Sirius instantly relaxed. Luna was dressed in an orange floor length skirt and a top with some obscure band on it- ‘Myriad,’ whoever they were. 

“Peter is the banker, and I’m pretty sure he’s cheating,” Luna said off-handedly as she walked- skipped, really- to the bed, sitting gracefully on the edge.

“Why is James friends with him?” Sirius asked, with more vehemence than he planned. “Did you see how he was looking at Mary in her swimsuit? He’s disgusting.”

Luna peered thoughtfully at him for a moment, chewing her lip. “He is,” she agreed. “But don’t you think that everyone deserves a chance? A chance at friends, and happiness? James said they’ve been friends since they were at school together, and he didn’t really _say_ this, but I gather it’s because Peter didn’t actually have any other friends.”

“And that’s just how James is,” Sirius added quietly. 

Luna nodded. “I mean, I don’t particularly like Peter, either. All throughout our hike, he kept calling me Loony because he thought it would be funny. And of course, James asked him to stop, but then he kept doing it when James and the girls couldn’t hear.”

“That’s awful!” Sirius said, aghast. That must have been why Luna, normally so mild-mannered, had been glaring at Peter as they returned from the hike. 

Luna shrugged. “It’s okay, really.”

They sat in companionable silence for a while, Luna lumming discordant melody under her breath and tapping her foot. And though Sirius was loath to admit it, the music reminded him jarringly of Remus and his piano, and the thought had him staring numbly at a patch of the bedspread. 

He had asked Euphemia if Remus had said anything to her before leaving; she had merely pursed her lips with eyes overflowing with sympathy, pulling Sirius into a warm, bone-crushing hug.

“Why did he leave?” Sirius asked Luna suddenly, his voice sounding lifeless and dead even to his own ears. 

He was suddenly reminded of asking James the exact same question the first time Remus had left. 

_God,_ he thought. _He really should have learnt by now._

Luna stopped humming. The air seemed oddly silent without it, as though the very fabric of the Universe was pausing, taut as a string, waiting to see what Luna would say next. 

“You really don’t know?” Luna asked, her tone curious. 

Frustration rose up in Sirius’ throat, hot and spiky and clawing. 

“How could I possibly know why he left? It’s not as though he bothered to fucking _tell_ me!”

Sirius immediately felt terribly for raising his voice at Luna; after all, it wasn’t _her_ he was angry with. But he just couldn’t stop himself from lashing out.

Luna, however, simply stared unblinkingly at him. She cocked her head to the side, twisting a strand of her pale blond hair around a finger adorned with more rings than Sirius could count, studded with various different gemstones. 

“The way he looks at you,” she said softly, her voice taking on a strange sort of tone, “it’s the same way that Marls looks at _me._ ”

Sirius remained frozen as Luna stood, moving to the door in her usual dance-like manner. 

“He left,” she added just before she vanished from sight completely, “because he _cares_ about you.”

***

After his conversation with Luna, Sirius was absolutely convinced that he had to leave and find Remus. Because Luna was right, wasn’t she? Remus had always said that his presence put Sirius in danger- he had been saying that just _yesterday_ , for god’s sake. Of _course_ he would never do something as petty as leaving just for spite- it was his own misguided sense of justice that caused him to leave. And wasn’t that why he left the first time? To do what was right by going after his friend Alice?

And besides, Sirius hadn’t even considered how the texts from Greyback might factor into all of this. Clearly, Greyback knew how much Sirius meant to Remus, if the texts were anything to go by, and if Sirius knew his boyfriend at all it was that Remus would do anything to keep Sirius away from Greyback.

The next day, Sirius quietly pulled James and his mother out into the hallway while the others were eagerly discussing plans for tomorrow- April fools day- over breakfast. Sirius knew how much he meant to James by that one single fact- James would normally _never_ give up on an opportunity to cause some mischief.

Telling James his plan to go after Remus was a lot harder than he had anticipated. Euphemia was all for the idea, smiling encouragingly at Sirius when he had brought it up, but James was another matter completely. James clearly still remembered just how torn up Sirius had been over Remus’ vanishing act the previous time, and Sirius could physically _see_ just how much restraint it took for James not to say ‘I told you so.’ 

“It’s not worth it,” James said at last, cornering Sirius just as he prepared to leave later the same night, his bag slung over his shoulder. He was going to drive Lily’s car home; he supposed that Remus must have taken the train home.

“You mean,” Sirius said, his voice hard, “ _he’s_ not worth it.”

James stared at Sirius pointedly. 

“Yeah, I do. Who does he think he is- he hangs around for a few months and just ups and leaves whenever he feels like it- whenever it suits him? With no regard for how you feel?”

James cut off Sirius’ noise of protest with another hard look. God, he could be so similar to his mother when he wanted to be.

“Sirius, as long as I’ve known you, I’ve _never_ seen you in a relationship. And I know that it’s because you had your own stuff to work through, but I’ve never seen you _happy_ until you were with Remus. Even after the stuff with your brother, and everything else-” James delicately avoided the issue of his family -”you’ve somehow managed to be happy. And if all that shit had happened before Remus was here, it would have been so much worse. And I _don’t_ think that’s a good thing, Padfoot. You can’t base your happiness entirely on another person.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. 

Because James was right- partly, but he was also so, so wrong. Because Remus mattered. He mattered, and he needed Sirius- Remus couldn’t be left to face Greyback on his own, for however long it took to free himself from Greyback’s clutches. 

And James was there to think about Sirius, to look out for him- but who was there to look out for Remus?

And so it was that not even Sirius’ best friend’s disapproval could stop him from going after Remus.

***

Sirius played the Queen II album on repeat for the whole drive back to London, the roads empty and his headlights a solitary beacon of light on the dark, glistening tarmac. He had decided to drive through the night, and the silent emptiness of the roads was unnerving and eerie, making Sirius feel uncomfortably like the only human in the world. 

He had put the album on shuffle, which was a huge mistake. ‘Funny How Love Is’ was designed to play immediately after ‘March of the Black Queen,’ which ended abruptly on an unresolved note without the beginning of the following song on the album. And the shuffled album prevented this from happening, which only added to Sirius’ feeling of unease, making him feel jittery and hypersensitive and as though something was just not _right_.

He’d had to put his phone on silent, because he kept getting calls from the same unknown number as before. He knew that it definitely couldn’t be Remus and it definitely wasn’t any of his friends, so it was no one that Sirius cared about. 

And besides, he didn’t want to let anything distract him from his mission; he was already planning what to say to Remus with a single-minded sort of intensity. 

Sirius hadn’t even attempted to contact Remus through texts or calls this time; he knew that he would receive no response. Instead, Sirius decided he would go first to Remus’ old apartment and ask Alice where he could be- Sirius knew that Remus would have to have been living with Greyback if he hadn’t been living with Sirius, and Alice was most likely to know where that could be.

And if he had no luck with Alice, he would simply wait in the Royal College of Music until Remus showed up- which would undoubtedly not take very long, knowing him. He had his nose stuck in sheet music half the time, and the other half he spent practicing. It was honestly no wonder that he was as good as he was.

It was only a few hours later that Sirius was hurrying into his house, distractedly running a hand through his hair and rubbing at the dark circles under his eyes. He was _exhausted_ \- after 5 hours of driving, the only thing that was keeping him running was the thought of Remus and how he would hopefully be seeing him very soon.

And coffee. He resolved to make himself a pot of coffee and wait until an acceptable hour in the morning before setting off again for where he remembered Remus’ old apartment was, in search of Alice who would hopefully know where Remus could be- or, at the very least, who would be able to contact him without being ignored. It was only 4 AM, and the silence of the entire world seemed deafening. A symphony of nothingness.

Sirius leant impatiently against the kitchen counter, waiting for the coffee to brew. After almost a week of being empty, the house seemed cold and unfriendly. Even the shadows seemed colder than before; Sirius shivered, the creaking of the house the only sounds apart from the gentle trickle of the coffee percolating. And even that sounded ominous.

Unnerved, Sirius pulled out his phone from his pocket for lack of anything else to do, tapping on the screen so the glow illuminated his face, a small beacon of light in the otherwise dark kitchen.

_47 missed calls_

Sirius squinted at the display, his heart leaping to his throat. With trembling fingers, he scrolled through the calls.

But none of them were from Remus.

However, not all of the calls were from the unknown number which had been spamming him before. Over half of them, in fact, were from James.

But why would James have been calling Sirius so insistently? He must have known that Sirius had been driving.

Unless…

Unless Remus had somehow got in contact with James? And James was calling Sirius to let him know to turn around, to come back to the Lake District because maybe, just _maybe,_ Remus was still there?

Just as Sirius had this exhilarating thought, the screen of his phone lit up again in his hand- not buzzing, as it was still on silent.

James.

“Hello?” Sirius answered breathlessly.

“Why the _fuck_ haven’t you been answering your phone?” James demanded, though his tone wasn’t angry. There was a certain tone to his words that Sirius couldn’t quite decipher- and Sirius knew _all_ of James’ different moods, and the voices that accompanied them. And Sirius knew, in that moment, that this call was definitely not about Remus.

“Why did you call me-” Sirius checked his phone- “thirty-two times?” he countered.

“It’s Regulus.”

Something in the way James said his brother’s name made him pause, but-

“What about him?” Sirius asked, his voice trembling ever so slightly. “You’re not having me on, are you? Listen, it’s really not funny, mate, I know it’s April Fools, and all-”

“Listen!” James interrupted, the volume of his voice causing Sirius to pull the phone away from his ear ever so slightly, wincing. “I didn’t mean why haven’t you been answering _my_ calls; I meant, why haven’t you been answering _his_? Why haven’t you been answering your brother’s calls?”

Sirius paused, the weight of the words sinking in. All the missed calls… 

And Sirius had never been to Regulus’ funeral. Never spoken to any of Regulus’ old friends about his death, never even spoken to anyone in his family about it-

Apart from Walburga.

And Sirius hadn’t ever saved Regulus’ number in his phone; and after they had drifted apart, before Regulus’ death, Sirius had never really seen the point.

So maybe…

“James, what are you saying?” Sirius asked, his voice a hoarse whisper cutting through the heavy silence of the kitchen like a knife. 

“Padfoot,” James whispered, his voice as soft and gentle as fallen leaves on the wind, “I’m saying that Regulus is alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm. things are definitely happening


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW brief mention of suicide  
> song lyrics from 'care of cell 44' by the zombies  
> thank you so much to everyone who has read so far, and to all of you who have commented and left kudos! xxx

Saved you the room you used to stay in every Sunday  
The one that is warmed by sunshine every day  
And we'll get to know each other for a second time  
And then you can tell me 'bout your prison stay

Walking the way we used to walk  
And it could be so nice  
We're talking the way we used to talk  
And it could be so nice

***

Sirius had never been one for dramatic timing; as a matter of fact, he usually scoffed at its overly-theatrical use in movies.

But as he was still reeling from the momentous piece of news of his brother still being _alive_ , with James jabbering on in his ear about making sure that Sirius was okay and how he was on his way back to London right that second, a knock sounded from the front door. It reverberated through the room, sending the hairs on Sirius’ arm standing up, all his senses narrowing onto that one sound. 

And he knew, he just _knew_ who it was.

Sirius didn’t know how he made it to the front door, his legs were trembling so violently that he fully expected to fall at any moment. But somehow, he managed; and when he threw open the door, it took everything in him to not just start sobbing right then and there. 

The boy standing before him could have been a mirror image of Sirius. He has the same dark hair, tan skin and grey eyes. The way he stood was the same- perfect posture having been drilled into them both from a young age by Walburga- and the way held his head with a certain kind of aloofness. But there were subtle differences; his cheekbones were more angled, his nose a mirror image of Orion’s, whereas Sirius had inherited his mother’s nose. 

This was Sirius’ _brother_.

“Regulus?” Sirius breathed, the sound catching in his throat.

And Sirius lurched forwards, pulling his brother into the first hug in nearly six years. 

***

“But how did you… I mean, what happened?” Sirius asked. He was sitting on the sofa with Regulus, who was looking around with a bemused, puzzled sort of expression.

“I don’t know why she lied to you.” Regulus’ steady gaze met Sirius. “I got a call from Andromeda yesterday, who was literally sobbing when I answered- and you know how she _never_ cries. She seemed so confused that I had actually answered the phone, you know? And then when she had calmed down a bit, she said that Mum- Walburga- had told her that I was dead. Because I guess Walburga wanted to cut Andromeda off entirely, and I’m the only one in the family who she’s actually kept in contact with. And then I thought that if she told Andromeda that I was dead, then she probably told you as well. You know, because…” Regulus trailed off. 

“Because Dromeda and I are the disappointments of the family,” Sirius filled in. There was no bitterness in his words- far from it. His cousin Andromeda was the only one in Sirius’ family who he had actually kept in contact with, as she was the only one apart from Sirius who had spoken out about the illegal trading business that the Black family was involved in. Not even Regulus had the guts to do that- he had always been a perfect child- as Walburga wasted no opportunity in telling him.

“Yeah,” Regulus replied with a tentative laugh.

“What a fucking weird situation,” Sirius said with a tired sigh, leaning back against the sofa and rubbing his eyes. The night of no sleep had finally caught up to him. It had only been the thought of Remus that had kept him going, but it went without saying that he would have to try and track him down another day- because now, the brother he had thought to be dead was sitting on his sofa, very much alive. 

“Yeah,” Regulus agreed. “Yesterday, I tried calling you, but you weren’t answering. So I asked Andromeda what to do, and she had James’ number and told me to try that. So I did, and he picked up, and… well, I guess you know the rest.”

Sirius nodded, opening his eyes wearily. 

“I just don’t... I really, _really_ can’t believe you’re here,” Sirius said, his voice breaking. 

Regulus looked at him, a strange sort of expression on his face. “It must be so much weirder for you than for me,” he said softly, a familiar frown creasing his eyebrows. “I mean- I thought everything was completely normal until yesterday. But for you… you thought I was dead for _months._ I just- I can’t even imagine how weird this must be for you right now.”

Sirius exhaled shakily, his fingers freezing cold and trembling. The truth was, Regulus didn’t know just how bad it had been for him. Sirius didn’t _want_ his little brother to know- he didn’t want Regulus to know how, even now, he still woke from nightmares in a cold sweat, reaching out as thought he could physically stop his baby brother from jumping off the bridge.

Which had never even _happened._ Fuck Walburga.

And it finally struck Sirius that his brother was actually _here,_ in the flesh, sitting before him. A small puff of air escaped his lips, and then, without any warning, Sirius was sobbing, tears streaming down his face as small choked noises were quite involuntarily ripped from his throat. 

Sirius was pretty sure he was in shock.

“Um,” Regulus said, clearly out of his depth. “Are you okay?”

The worried, positively alarmed expression on Regulus’ face was suddenly borderline comical to Sirius, who snorted, his breath hitching with hysterical laughter.

Regulus’ face immediately morphed into a panicked expression, which only made Sirius laugh harder. 

“I’m- fine,” Sirius managed to choke out, still wheezing. 

After his laughter had subsided somewhat, he grasped Regulus on the arm, staring at him earnestly. 

“But, Reg, are _you_ okay?” Sirius remembered how all he had wished for was one more conversation with his brother, so he could have known to get him the help that he had needed. And, most likely, Regulus had never been in any sort of danger from himself at all. It was probably just part of the lie made up by Walburga- but still, Sirius had to check.

“Yeah,” Regulus replied seriously, grasping Sirius’ arm with his own. “I’m genuinely fine- great, actually. Honestly- anything she told you was probably a lie. I promise. I’m all good.”

Sirius nodded, relieved. He trusted Regulus- he had always been able to tell when he was lying, much to Regulus’ frustration when they were children. 

“So, you fancy a movie?” Sirius asked hesitantly. They had a lot of lost time to catch up on, and, if Sirius was being honest, he was genuinely not sure whether Regulus wanted to go back to not speaking. Now that Walburga’s lie had been fixed, maybe Regulus wouldn’t be able to forgive Sirius for never reaching out to him.

But much to Sirius’ surprise, his brother smiled back at him. “Hell, yeah,” Regulus replied, settling back into the cushions. “You still like Parks and Rec?” They had watched that show on repeat when they were younger, and Regulus had somehow memorised all the words to Season 1.

“You got it,” Sirius said, unable to prevent the grin from spreading across his face as he reached for the remote.

Maybe everything would be okay.

***

As promised, James arrived home with Mary and Marlene in tow just around lunchtime. Luna had already gone back to her house, and Peter had naturally stayed behind in the Lake District. 

James warmed to Regulus immediately; he had seen first hand just how much Sirius cared about his brother, and James even went so far as to offer his bedroom to Regulus for as long as he wanted to stay.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” James protested chivalrously, holding his palms up self-sacrificingly. “It’s honestly no problem.”

“Would it be… I mean, are you all okay with me staying for a few days?” Regulus looked first towards the girls, but his gaze landed finally on Sirius. 

And Sirius saw, above all, such _hopefulness_ in his brother’s eyes that Sirius knew, without a doubt, that whatever rift had created between them was beginning to heal.

“Yeah. Stay as long as you’d like.”

Regulus’ hesitant smile reminded Sirius so forcefully of their shared childhood that he couldn’t help but offer a smile in return.

***

That night, as Sirius was lying in his bed, unable to sleep despite the exhaustion weighing on his bones, he rolled over to grab his phone off the bedside table.

His fingers pulled up Remus’ contact by muscle memory alone, tapping out the first text to him since had left, sighing through his nose.

_Regulus is alive._

And as he rolled back over, screwing his eyes shut determinedly, Sirius thought that this might be the first time in a while that he would be able to sleep without nightmares. 

He was wrong.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW mention of childhood sexual abuse  
> song lyrics from 'i'll be your pilot' by belle and sebastian
> 
> I absolutely do have a plan, I promise!!

I got your dreams completely  
I've got them locked away  
That doesn't mean I own you  
Or control a hair of your sweet head

I won't leave you to suffer  
I won't let them prevail  
I know a trap door, short cut  
Gate into the wilds of the free air

***

Sirius had been astonished at how much he and Regulus actually had to catch up on. Six years was, in fact, a very long time to be parted.

“So, how’s uni going?” Sirius asked the following day as they all sat around the small table over a game of monopoly- minus Mary, who’d had to work.

“Yeah, it’s good,” Regulus replied, nodding earnestly. “Workload’s a bit of a handful, though.”

“What are you studying?” James asked, peering down at the monopoly board through his glasses and tossing the dice, groaning when he landed on ‘go to jail.’

“English lit,” Regulus replied, accepting James’ proffered £50 in monopoly money to get out of jail. “Fuck Harvard Referencing,” he added earnestly, shaking his head.

Sirius snorted, letting the dice roll from his fingers. Regulus was in his first year at UCL, and ever since they had been children he had always told Sirius bedtime stories instead of their parents. He had wanted to be an author for as long as Sirius could remember.

“Ugh, finally,” groaned Marlene with a dramatic eye roll. “We have someone studying a non STEM subject in our midst. Mary’s gonna be so stoked when she finds out.” 

“Hey,” James said with mock indignation. “What’s wrong with STEM students?”

“Yeah!” exclaimed Sirius, smiling.

“We’re all so fucking boring,” Marlene laughed, moving her little metal thimble across the board. “I mean, what are we doing on a Friday afternoon? Playing monopoly.”

“We? Hmm, wouldn’t _really_ call medicine a STEM subject, though, Marls,” James observed with a cheeky twinkle in his eye. He knew exactly what he was doing, saying something like that in front of her.

Sirius smiled fondly at the debate that promptly ensued, Marlene learning forwards in outrage and engaging James in an energetic debate on why he was, in fact, sorely mistaken.

“They always like this?” Regulus asked in a low tone, leaning towards Sirius. He was looking with a mildly bemused expression at where Marlene was dramatically stating that if James went into cardiac arrest right then, she would refuse to perform CPR on him.

“Honestly?” Sirius asked with a genuine laugh. “Yeah. They really are.”

Regulus looked towards Sirius then, and there was something intense in his expression that reminded Sirius forcefully of the look he usually got when he was writing.

“If I’d known,” Regulus said, his voice so quiet that Sirius had to strain to hear it, “I would have left with you six years ago. I wouldn’t have stayed with them if I’d known. I’m sorry.”

Sirius didn’t have to ask what Regulus what talking about- he knew. Bellatrix.

“If I’d known what she _did_ to you, I would have left that place without a backwards glance. I mean, I think I always knew that something was wrong, between you and the rest of the family, but I could never have guessed that it was something- I’d never have guessed that it could ever be something so _bad._ I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“I know,” Sirius replied, his voice quiet. James had engaged Marlene in an animated discussion that was perhaps slightly too loud to be normal, and Sirius felt a sudden warm rush of gratefulness for his best friend. “I didn’t- I mean, at the time, I didn’t realise that it was anything out of the ordinary, either. But,” he added slightly louder, shaking his head to clear away the cobwebs, “it was so long ago. It’s all okay now, honestly. _We’re_ okay.” He offered a small smile to Regulus, which was returned almost instantly. 

It was true- after years and years of therapy, Sirius had finally come to realise that there was nothing wrong with him- that what had happened to his as a child hadn’t been his _fault._ It had taken him almost until two years ago to actually come to that realisation, and to realise just how toxic his family actually had been. He remembered going to his mother when he must have barely been a teenager, confiding in her about what his cousin had done to him and how he sometimes had nightmares, waking up and dreaming that _she_ was standing over him, smiling with a manic grin. And sometimes, it hadn’t just been a dream. But Walburga had effectively dismissed his concerns, telling him that he was being silly and childish and to just _grow up._

Sirius had never confided in her again.

“Hey,” Sirius said suddenly to James, interrupting whatever conversation with Marlene he had been having about some image on his phone. “I think Regulus and I are gonna go for a walk- get some air. Okay if we carry on the game later?” He jerked his head towards the monopoly board, glancing toward Regulus to make sure he was okay with Sirius’ idea.

“Yeah, sound, mate,” James replied, pushing his chair back with a screeching noise, Regulus nodding at Sirius almost imperceptibly. “Hey, Marls, cup of tea?”

***

Almost an hour later, Sirius was sitting with Regulus on a bench by the central lake in Hyde Park, throwing bread aimlessly at the ducks. 

“I’ll give you a tenner if you can land a piece of bread for that loner duck in the back there,” Regulus proclaimed with a grin, offering the bag of half-finished bread to Sirius with an eyebrow raised in challenge.

“Child’s play,” Sirius tutted, squashing the bread into a ball to make it more aerodynamic and flinging it with laughable inaccuracy at the duck in question. It barely even made it half the distance to that lonely duck.

“Hey,” Regulus said suddenly. “This reminds me, remember that time we were at the beach and I obviously couldn’t go in the water cuz I can’t swim, so you went looking for pretty rocks under the water for our sandcastle and you found a crab and fucking _threw_ it at me?”

Sirius let out a sharp bark of laughter. The day Regulus was referring to was, in fact, Sirius’ most treasured memory, as he had told Remus. But, he seemed to have conveniently forgotten that one specific detail.

“I did _not_ throw it at you!” Sirius said indignantly, a grin cracking across his face at Regulus’ noise of protest. “Okay. Maybe I did. But it was only out of the shock of me accidentally picking up a whole entire crab because I just thought it was a very unusual rock.”

“You always have had the observational skills of a toaster,” Regulus muttered dryly, though there was a reluctant smile twitching at the corner of his mouth.

“Hey,” Sirius replied after a comfortable lull in the conversation. The bread bag was now completely empty, and they were watching the ducks squabble for the last scraps of bread with a distracted sort of fascination. “You found anyone special at uni?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Regulus, to his credit, merely looked mildly scandalised, shooting Siirus a shocked glance from the corner of his eye. “No!” He exclaimed with perhaps more vehemance than Sirius would have expected. 

“All right, was only asking,” Sirius laughed, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Why, have _you?_ Found anyone special, I mean?” Regulus countered, raising an eyebrow cooly.

Sirius’ smile slid off his face.

“I did,” he replied, staring unseeingly at a duck who snatched an entire piece of bread out of a smaller duck’s mouth. “He actually came with us to the Lake District- you know, where we were staying with James’ folk when you called. But he left.”

“Why?” Regulus asked curiously. To his credit, he didn’t seem fazed at all by the news that Sirius was dating a boy. Well… if they were even dating anymore. 

“Just… because,” Sirius sighed. “It’s complicated.”

“Can’t be that complicated. I mean. If you like him, and he likes you, then that’s that, right?” 

Regulus had always had a very innocent, naive sort of outlook on life, and apparently, time hadn’t stomped that out of him. For which Sirius was glad.

“Yeah, you’d think,” Sirius replied with a hint of bitterness to his tone, his eyes fixed on the water. “It’s…” He sighed. “It’s really kinda a long story.”

Regulus merely leant back against the bench, crossing one ankle over the other, the picture of sophisticated patience.

And Sirius launched into the story which he hadn’t even told James- mainly because it wasn’t really even Sirius’ story to tell. But, then again, Remus had left, after all- and Sirius absolutely _had_ to tell someone. Why should he keep the secrets of someone who couldn’t even stick around?

And the way Regulus spoke to him with a new sort of closeness afterwards, bonded now over something much deeper than blood- secrets- Sirius knew he had made the right decision.

***

If it wasn’t for the nights, maybe Sirius would have been doing all right.

Everything seemed to be reverting to some sort of normalcy- Regulus was due to leave the next day as both of their universities would be starting then, and the week with his brother had all but mended the gaping hole that his ‘death’ had inflicted upon Sirius. He could finally breathe without a restricting sort of tightness pressing on his ribcage.

And during the day, Sirius was genuinely fine- he laughed along with James and the girls, played twister and even forced Regulus to take part in ABBA karaoke alongside the rest of them, as was their monthly tradition. Regulus was almost as bad at singing at James- Sirius, however, if he did say so himself, was _wonderful._ And all of this worked well to keep his mind of Remus- to keep his mind of the phone burning a hole in his pocket, which had _still_ received no reply from the other boy.

But the nights were when the nightmares came. 

No longer about Regulus, Sirius constantly dreamt of Remus trapped with Greyback, alone and afraid and calling out for him. And as much as Sirius reached out for his boyfriend, straining to grasp his fingers and pull him away, the dream always ended before he could get to him, Remus’ scream echoing in his ears. And when Sirius woke up, shivering and drenched head to toe in sweat, he couldn’t help himself from reaching out towards the other side of the bed as though expecting to find Remus’ warm, solid presence.

And as much as Sirius wanted to be angry at Remus for walking out on him, as James most certainly was, Sirius’ mind couldn’t help going to the abusive, horrifying texts Greyback had sent Remus. And Sirius, no matter how much he tried to keep thoughts of Remus off his mind, couldn’t help but _worry._

What if Remus was in danger, and Sirius was wasting time sitting at home, sulking about how he hadn’t replied to his text?

It was the day after Regulus left when Sirius decided to take action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unironically tho why am i so obsessed with italics  
> i literally have an emotional dependance on italics help  
> or should i say  
>  _help_


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW abusive relationship, physical abuse
> 
> song lyrics from andromeda by weyes blood

Stop calling  
It's time to let me be  
If you think you can save me  
I'd dare you to try

Left the heart from the depths it's fallen through  
We all want something new  
But it can't seem to follow through  
Something's better than nothing  
Or so that I thought  
Now I know it's just one dream  
All these others gonna tear me apart

***

Lying on the cold, mildew-scented floor with only a thin sleeping mat between him and the damp, Remus wished more than anything that he could go back to the day he had left the Potters’ house- left Sirius. He wished that he could have run away to the furthest corner of the Earth, living in a hut in New Zealand maybe, cut off from technology and Greyback’s clutches. Remus had always wanted to go to New Zealand after watching Lord of the Rings when he was small- before everything in his life went to hell.

And in Remus’ fantasy, Sirius was there with him. 

But that was all it was- a fantasy. And that was all it ever could be. Because that wasn’t how the world worked- and Remus had learnt that he could never, _never_ run from Greyback. What happened to Dorcas those years ago was more than enough proof of that.

And it was selfish of him; so, so selfish to have believed that Sirius could have been a part of his life kept secret from Greyback. Selfish of him to have believed that he could keep Sirius safe from Greyback. _No one_ was safe from Greyback.

“Hey, kid.” Greyback’s voice was a snarl, a low growl from the other side of his single bedroom apartment. The conditions were barely liveable; there was a huge damp patch on the ceiling, and there was mould in the corners of the room.

Remus took a deep breath with some difficulty, all his bones screaming in protest after the beating he had taken from Greyback when he first showed up at his door. It was to teach him a lesson, Greyback had said. For his own good.

Remus had stopped seeing the irony in that many years ago.

When Remus had first met Sirius’ friends, Remus had been stunned. He hadn’t known that such good, intrinsically pure people still even existed in a world so full of creatures like Greyback. But they did. And that day in the Lake District, reading Greyback’s texts, he had been absolutely _disgusted_ by himself for putting such innocent, kind-hearted people in danger by his mere presence. Because if Greyback found out that those people meant so much to him, then they would never be safe for as long as Remus lived. 

A sharp blow to Remus’ ribs pulled him out of his thoughts.

He curled up on his side, clutching his side and wheezing- the pain was a living thing, clawing and scraping at his chest and blotting out the rest of his senses and making Remus see red. His lungs strained to draw a breath.

“Hey.” Greyback’s damp, foul-smelling breath curled against Remus’ cheek. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten your concert tomorrow. You’re allowed to leave to practice, but if you’re not back by night, remember that I know where _he_ lives.”

Remus’ stuttered breath was enough confirmation that he could practically hear the manic grin in Greyback’s voice.

“Sirius.” he purred. Remus hated the sound of his boyfriend’s name in Greyback’s mouth- Remus shuddered, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the pain blossoming beneath his ribs.

“We’re over, though.” Remus lied, his voice rough and grating. He swallowed, his tongue dry as sandpaper. “I hate him. He meant nothing to me now.”

“We’ll see about that,” was Greyback’s curt reply. 

Remus wanted to ask Greyback for his phone back, but he had learnt quickly that asking for too much would never end well. 

Remus curled into a tighter ball on the floor, ribs barking in protest as he waited for the confirming slam of the door that would tell him Greyback had left. Avery and Nott, Greyback’s cronies, were out ‘dealing with someone,’ Greyback had said. Remus didn’t even want to know what that meant- though he had a pretty good idea.

The first time Remus had seen Sirius stumbling out of the club that day- which now seemed like many, many years ago- he had seen the barest glimmer of a possibility. The barest glimmer of something that made his feel _ashamed_ about his situation with Greyback. Sirius, with his leather jacket and eyes that saw too much and black nail polish and the way he smirked at Remus- the mere thought of him made Remus’ blood heat, sparking and fizzing in his veins. Sirius, with his caring, soft personality with a shell of dry wit and sarcastic comments, who was probably worrying about Remus right now, wondering why he had walked out of him and wasn’t calling or texting.

And though the thought of Sirius thinking Remus didn’t want to contact him hurt like hell, it was better this way. Better that Sirius thought Remus had ended things by choice- that way, he would be safe from Greyback. And Remus had done his best to convince Greyback that Sirius meant absolutely nothing to him.

Which couldn’t have been further from the truth. And even as Remus lay there, determined to stay away from Sirius and his friends, he knew that his attempts would be futile, no matter how much he loathed himself whenever he was around them. Because the mere thought of that secret, sparking glint in Sirius’ eyes before he leant in to capture Remus’ lips with his own- the thought of how Sirius looked in the morning, with his shoulder length black hair mussed with sleep and the way his bleary eyes would immediately seek Remus’- it made Remus realise that he would do anything, _anything_ , if it meant they would be able to be together.

But Remus always found ways to justify his presence around Sirius. At first it was to just simply be there for him after his brother’s death; the sight of Sirius so shattered, torn to absolute shreds over the loss of Regulus had pulverised Remus’ heart, and Remus had told himself that Sirius needed him. But that hadn’t been true; there was nothing that Remus could do that James couldn’t, or wouldn’t do. Their bond was something that Remus had never seen before, or never even thought that could exist. They cared about each other for no reason other than pure, simple love- no bargains, no favours, no promises of monetary gain.

And Remus wanted that simplicity- he yearned for it more than anything.

The hollow, empty silence of Greyback’s apartment was a blessed relief. The brief moments when Remus was alone here, he often thought of running- but now, running was the last thing on his mind. Because even if he made it to the opposite side of the world, there would still be people left behind for Greyback to hurt. If not Sirius, then James, Marlene, Mary, Lily, even Peter or James’ parents. And Remus knew that Greyback didn’t see through his ruse about things being over with Sirius.

And the thing was, this was exactly what Remus had been avoiding all these years. Because until now, Greyback had never really had anything on him. There had never been anyone who he cared about- save for Alice, he supposed. But now, Remus knew that he would never stop caring about Sirius- even if it were years from now with no contact, Remus would still _care._ And Greyback knew that- Remus was sure that he knew. So now Remus would _never_ be able to leave without putting Sirius or his friends in danger.

The thought made Remus’ breath quicken, his pulse ringing in his ears. He had been trapped his whole life, but this was a different type of cage.

This was something he could not endure.

And as Remus headed out the door, limping and wincing as every motion hurt his ribs, he realised that even if he couldn’t go to Sirius, there _was_ one place he could go.

***

Sirius’ heart raced the entire way to Alice’s house. He felt as though the tube could not travel fast enough; his foot tapped impatiently on the floor, scraping a hand distractedly though his hair as though trying to pull it out from the roots out of sheer frustration.

He knew, logically, that there was a pretty good chance that Remus wouldn’t even be there. But, regardless, he had to check- and even if he wasn’t there, then maybe Alice would know where Sirius could find him.

Eventually, the tube came to a screeching halt, and Sirius followed his memory down the streets to where he remembered Remus’ old apartment had been- and, by extension, Alice’s. The dinghy building rose in front of his vision, seeming even more dilapidated and in urgent need of repair than Sirius last remembered.

The front door had been left ajar- after a brief examination, Sirius realised that it was because the lock had gone crooked, rendering it useless. All the better for him, though; with a brief, momentary flash of guilt, Sirius pushed open the door, treading up the familiar staircase in the dark gloom of the hallway.

He spared a brief glance to Remus’ old apartment door before turning to face Alice’s door, the sound of his knock seeming unnaturally loud in the eerie stillness of the building.

And Sirius wasn’t sure if he imagined it, but he could have sworn he heard a deep, male laugh from somewhere inside Remus’ old apartment, the sound gleeful and bone-chilling at the same time.

Just as Sirius made this disturbing observation, Alice’s door swung open- but Sirius had no eyes for the pretty, pixie-like girl standing in puzzlement at the door.

For his gaze was fixed on the sight of Remus in the far corner of the room, shirtless as he gingerly held an ice pack to a terrible, dark purple, discoloured bruise on his ribs.

“Sirius,” Remus said flatly, his green eyes belaying no hint of emotion as he let the ice pack fall to his side. “You shouldn’t have come.”

And those emotionless words, along with the horrible bruise and other small signs of various injuries peppered across Remus’ body made Sirius see red.

“I shouldn’t have come?” Sirius spat, striding straight past Alice as though she didn’t exist and stopping right in front of the other boy. “You look like you’ve been Greyback’s fucking punching bag, and _I shouldn’t have come?_ Don’t insult me,” Sirius scoffed.

“Maybe I should have made my meaning clearer,” Remus replied, his eyes glittering. “I don’t want you here.” The emphasis he placed on each word was like blow after shattering blow to Sirius’ heart.

But deep down, with more certainty than he had ever known anything before, Sirius knew that Remus was lying.

“Remus,” Sirius pleaded, reaching out to take Remus’ hand and feeling a cold phantom slap on the face as he jerked his hand out of Sirius’ reach. “I…”

“Just go, Sirius,” Remus said, and the dead, dull look in his eyes made Sirius’ heart clench painfully. 

“My brother’s alive, you know,” Sirius said quietly, and for the first time, there was a flicker of _something_ in Remus’ eyes before it was shut down again by his impenetrable walls.

“What, you’re scared that Greyback’s gonna do something to me like what he did to Alice?” Sirius asked- there was no malice in Sirius’ words; this time, there was only sadness.

But Sirius knew he had said something wrong by the way Remus froze with an almost unnatural stillness, his gaze shooting to behind Sirius where he knew Alice was standing.

“Do… what, exactly?” Alice asked curiously.

“Uh,” Remus began, sounding for the first time guilty. “Listen, I can explain.”

Sirius wasn’t sure to which of them Remus was talking to.

“Sirius,” Remus began, looking mildly uncomfortable, “the whole thing with Alice was a lie.”

“ _What_ whole thing with me?” Alice asked, her tone taking on a hint of impatience.

Remus turned to face her. “I said that, uh, Greyback took you and that’s why I disappeared for a few months a while back. But-” Remus took a fortifying breath, turning to Sirius- “he actually took _me_. I didn’t tell you the truth, Sirius, because I didn’t want to look weak- and I knew you’d blow it all out of proportion. But… yeah.”

Sirius frowned, confused. “But… you said Alice had disappeared? You said you were worried about where she’s gone?”

“I was at Frank’s,” Alice replied, sounding surprised. “Yeah, Remus told me that he was worried about me, but I’d broken my phone so couldn’t get in contact and was just spending some time at my boyfriend’s. It wasn’t a huge deal, really.”

Sirius whirled on Remus. “You… you knew I’d _blow it out of proportion?_ ” His tone was one of mocking disbelief.

“No… I didn’t want to look weak. I hate to think of you thinking of me like that. Don’t you see? I’m embarrassed, Sirius. You’re so perfect, you and this amazing life you have with James and your friends. And then I come along, with this huge stain across my life. And I was so selfish to believe that I could have what you all have without tainting you all with my… with Greyback. And you know where he took me, when I was gone? It wasn’t all a lie; he had captured someone who’d done him wrong. And you know what he did to them? He killed them, and made me watch. He said that that could just as easily be me. And how could I even begin to explain that to you, and expect you to understand? How could I be so selfish to bring that all to you?” Remus looked down at his feet, his eyes shining and spots of colour standing out in stark relief high on his cheekbones.

And Sirius didn’t know what to think. He had known that Greyback had killed before, but hearing Remus discuss it so calmly made Sirius’ blood run cold. All the anger drained out of him in a rush- above all, he was so, so tired with the lies and the secrecy- but he _understood_. He understood exactly what it was like to have a part of your life you felt so ashamed about, you were afraid to open up to anyone about it. He had experienced the exact same thing with Bellatrix.

“It’s okay,” Sirius said quietly, and Remus’ gaze snapped up, meeting Sirius’ with a blazing, hard look of intensity.

“It’s okay?” Remus breathed. “Neither of us are happy, but neither of us want to leave… so we keep breaking each other, and calling it love. How is that okay?”

“It’s okay,” Sirius repeated numbly, and the flicker of that same _something_ in Remus’ eyes was enough confirmation that Sirius leant forwards, gently pressing his lips against the other boy’s. And after a second, Remus kissed him back, his lips parting and his tongue sweeping lazily into Sirius’ mouth in a way that made him feel like liquid fire was coursing through his very bones. He heard Alice clearing her throat uncomfortably behind them, but none of that seemed to matter; not when Remus was standing there, kissing Sirius back with such intense ferocity like a man drowning, as though his very life depended on it.

And it felt like coming home.


End file.
